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Entries Tagged as '“helpful” advice'

More notes white (yuppie-ish) people leave

March 30th, 2009 · 247 Comments

Quelle horreur!  “A good week after using my roommate’s microplane to grate parmesan, this note showed up on the fridge whiteboard,” writes Tori in (where else?) San Francisco. “Apparently microplanes are for ZESTING ONLY!”

Microplane zester is not a cheese grater.

(unless, of course, it’s a microplane zester/grater.)

related: notes white people leave

Tags: "helpful" advice · kitchen · roommates · San Francisco · whiteboard

Oh, the Rancher and the McMansioner should be friends

March 22nd, 2009 · 221 Comments

Our anonymous submitter found several copies of this notice posted around her McMansion-filled neighborhood in Leander, Texas, just five charmingly rustic miles north of Austin proper. (If you’re a little short in the 4-H ribbon department, that’s your cue to shake your head and mutter “Pshaw, city folk!”)

Neighbors in Grand Mesa: I appreciate the concern as to the condition of my cattle. However, it is normal after calving that a cow looks "poor/starved." She also begins the nursing process that is a drain on her. I now have 6 spring calves. These are fed round bales on a regular basis as well as daily cattle feed. However, since you feel this is not enough, please feel free to contribute to their feed bill. You can send your contributions to [redacted]. Round bales are $55. Cubes $10 a bag. I do appreciate your concern and I look forward to your help in their care. And they will thank you too. Thanks too for calling the Williamson County Sheriff's Dept. It was good to see them again! They of course found no issue with the cattle.

related: If your grandma wrote PSAs

Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · horses, cows, & chickens · most popular notes of 2009 · MYOB · neighbors · Oops? · Texas · thanks (but not really)

Maybe if you had just an itty-bitty limp?

February 17th, 2009 · 342 Comments

First of all, the disclaimer: Our anonymous submitter in Houston lives in an apartment complex with very limited parking for residents. “When I come home from work late at night,” she explains, “the handicapped parking spot is typically the only one available.” That excuse, however, doesn’t seem to cut it for one of her neighbors.

As you’ll see from the note left on our submitter’s windshield, this eagle-eyed neighbor perhaps isn’t what you’d call “book-smart,” but — gosh darn it — what she lacks in basic spelling and grammar skills she more than makes up for with raw gumption and a steely sense of self-righteousness!

To my horror, you don't have a single bit of a limp.

[Rough translation, from our anonymous submitter: "I see that you are not handicapped, but you park in the handicapped parking spot in our apartment complex. I am not handicapped, and I don't know anyone in the complex who is, but I feel entitled to tell you to stop parking there.  Furthermore, I feel entitled enough to have your car towed if you park there again."]

related: Mahvelous, just mahvelous

Tags: "helpful" advice · Houston · kinda creepy · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · parking · smiley · Texas · that's illegal

A little advice for the ladies

February 12th, 2009 · 101 Comments

…courtesy of the hapless young lads of North America.

As documented by Kimberlee in Lawrence, Kansas:

a little advice for the ladies

And by Grant in Toronto, Canada:

yeah, women! seriously!

Happy breakup season, everyone!

related: Some dating advice

Tags: "helpful" advice · attire · battle of the sexes · Canada · Kansas · kinda creepy · Toronto

P.P.S. Do you really have a belly like a bowl full of jelly? If so, you might want to lay off the cookies.

December 24th, 2008 · 42 Comments

“My 8-year-old daughter was concerned about all the pictures of Santa portraying him with a whip,” says Lisa in Orlando, “so she wrote him this letter, thinking he might appreciate her helpful advice on taking care of his animals.”

Dear Santa, I was wondering if you whipped your reindeer. You should stop because if you do your deer might try to run away. You shouldn't them too many cookies either because your reindeer might get sick. P.S. Have a holly jolly Christmas! Love, Ariel

related: no girls allowed

Tags: "helpful" advice · Christmas · Florida · holiday spirit · kids · Orlando · p.s. · signed with love

An inconvenient truth

October 7th, 2008 · 87 Comments

Al Gore would likely be pleased hear that Marc in San Diego rides his bike (a vintage blue Colnago) to work in the mornings. A certain evangelical bike messenger, however, was less than impressed.

Dear Crazy Person: Buy a DECENT LOCK! Dude! You're riding a f-in COLNAGO! I should steal on PRINCIPLE, since it would take all of 10 seconds. I'm just here to help...

Marc says he’s since ditched his old cable lock. “After this note taught me the error of my ways, I now keep my bike inside where it’s safe.”

related: Next on thieves with low self-esteem

Tags: "helpful" advice · bicycle · stealing

A sign (or ten) that your HR department might have too much time on their hands

September 21st, 2008 · 146 Comments

The tenth-floor kitchen at this office has no fewer than ten of these painstakingly laminated, clip-art-covered notes — and our anonymous submitter says this kitchen is only the tip of the iceberg.

“Nearly all of the notes in our office receive the same attention to detail,” our submitter says. “Every time I come to work I have to remind myself that I’m not in a cartoon fairy-tale land of fun.”

Wanted: Refrigerator Bandit

but what about my strawberries and cream?

Mark your calendars

Watch Your Food

unattended popcorn will be given an espresso and a free puppy

no ping pong on the spaghetti with meatballs table

'mop and wet floor sign' sign

sink-side of kitchen

related: It takes a “genius” to come up with a potluck theme like this one

Tags: "helpful" advice · blitzkrieg approach · clip art catastrophe · gloriously redundant · microwave · office · office fridge · popcorn

American Analog Threat

July 20th, 2008 · 187 Comments

The manager of a Florida preschool seems to have a kindred spirit at a Missouri strip club, where our anonymous submitter spotted this note taped to a dressing-room mirror.

Day shift dancers: When the Big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 11, it's time to be ready to work! McDonald's day shift starts at 4:30 a.m. You pick!

Personally, I like the idea of an junior-high-elective-style employment program. (Dance? Restaurant management? Government? You decide!)

related: happy to be of service

Tags: "helpful" advice · McDonalds · Missouri · not-so-veiled threats · now that's management · obnoxious definition · visual aids

A deep-seated issue

July 17th, 2008 · 620 Comments

Marcus in Leicester, U.K. found this stuck to the lid of the toilet by one of his housemates. “I’d understand if it was the seat,” he says, “but the lid?”

Marcus: It seems that you are unaware of the fact that is is considered a social norm to close the toilet lid after you have used it. I hope this information is helpful.

I’m with Marcus, here — I don’t think this is some kind of Dear Abby “does the toilet paper go over or under?” type issue. Is there anyone else who considers closing the toilet lid de rigueur?

related: dearest roommate

Tags: "helpful" advice · "up for debate" · etiquette · toilet · U.K.

Sheena is a paintballer

July 9th, 2008 · 181 Comments

Where do you suppose this “anomous” Tampa, Florida resident stands on the whole nature-vs.-nurture debate?


The Apple did not fall far from the tree! Your dad = idiot, son = little idiot $250 REWARD NAME THE IDIOT THAT SHOT PAINTBALL AT MY DOOR!


Interested? here’s a free preview!

Crappy parents > Bozo kids; Caring parents > very nice kids

related: Your to lazy

Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · dubious scientific claims · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Florida · gloriously redundant · irregular capitalization · kids today · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2008 · neighbors · spelling and grammar police · Tampa · the lawn · unnecessary "quotation marks"