Entries Tagged as 'hey fatty'

A citation from the fat police

August 14th, 2011 · 175 Comments

Writes an office worker in Alabama: “A co-worker attends a weekly cooking class in town, and this week they made a Cinnamon Roll Casserole. The co-worker decided to bring it in to work and share it with the office.” The nerve of some people!

Hey J, Brining [sic] in food items that are very heavy in calories is only fueling people’s addiction to sugar. It is the same as fueling people other desire in pursuits that you might consider as sin such as alcohol or drugs. People addicted to drugs and alcohol have problems controlling themselves around these items. The same goes for high calorie foods. The consequence for quick satisfaction as you know are being fat and unhealthy. Unless you wish others to be fat and unhealthy, please bring only healthy food. Thanks, Jeff

related: Loose lips shrink hips

Tags: "helpful" advice · Alabama · e-mail · food · hey fatty · office · office cop

Your guardian angel just wants you to get ‘bikini ready’

May 26th, 2011 · 56 Comments

In this episode of targeted advertising gone awry, Jill in Nashville went the grocery store and bought a bag of chocolate chips (“to make cookies for work”) and one pint of Ben & Jerry’s (“just one, mind you!”)

If Jill sounds a little defensive, that’s probably because  — thanks to some disarmingly deadpan algorithms — she received this perky little coupon along with her receipt.

Slim-Fast! Kick start your diet!

Meanwhile, a submitter in Ohio was about to reach for the Cherry Garcia — but stopped short when she spotted this “sign from above.”

I think we both know you don't need this, brochacho.

related: Are you calling me fat?

Tags: bad sales pitch · food · hey fatty · ice cream · Nashville · Ohio

Why climb when you can RIDE?

May 17th, 2011 · 47 Comments

As it happens, our entire technical staff (a.k.a Eric) recently completed a Ph.D in computer science and took a job at the newly formed Max Planck Institute for Intelligent Systems in picturesque Tübingen, Germany. (That’s right kids, if you work hard, and get your doctorate in computer science, you too may one day be qualified enough to host a found-content blog!)

Upon arriving at MPI’s Tübingen campus, Eric immediately felt at home. Specifically, he spotted some encouraging signage right next to the second floor elevator in one of MPI’s buildings.

Why don't we take the Healthy Stairs

Besides being a powerful testament to Southern Germany’s deep love of hiking, this health conscious posting also highlights the institute’s international reach. As you can see, the note itself is actually a photograph of a sign that was originally posted at (by?) Korea University*.

Of course walking down a single flight of stairs is hardly an inconvenience, particularly since the stairs in question are literally across from the elevator and lead directly to the building’s main entrance. The folks on the third floor, however, have a different perspective on the situation. Posted next to the third floor elevator is this rather charming reply.

WHY CLIMB STAIRS WHEN YOU CAN RIDE...with the finest in home elevators

Finally, from across the Atlantic, students at the University of Virginia have brought to light an additional concern surrounding the classic elevator vs. stairs debate. The following note, spotted by Trisha, was placed by the stairs of her UVA apartment building…along with an entire box of fat-free vanilla pudding.

Please Do Not Heave Up and Down the Stairs Like a Herd of Diseased Buffalo. Utilize the Elevator if you Have a Fat Ass.

Needless to say, the pudding was gone by the end of the day.

* Perhaps you, dear reader, can keep this transcontinental chain alive. Please consider printing out your own copy of the above photo and posting it at your place of business and/or learning.

related: You’re not even wearing designer shoes, so there’s no reason why you should be taking the elevator one floor.

Tags: Charlottesville · college life · elevator · Germany · hey fatty · rebuttals

No, your children will never appreciate the weight you gained for them.

September 22nd, 2010 · 55 Comments

So, the other day, Olivia’s mother and aunt were having a conversation, and her Mom was fretting about how she’d been overeating this week and how she was going back on her diet the very next day and blahblahblahwhydon’tgrown-upsevertalkaboutanythinginteresting.

Olivia says this inspired her eavesdropping 7-year-old sister to post this helpful reminder where their Mom gets ready in the morning, just to make sure she wouldn’t forget!

mommy please do not eat to much. you must eat frutes and vechtubles. Love Amanda. and you will be butifle enitimes and you will be skiny all times.

related: Please don’t take this the wrong way, pregnant lady, but have you considered Weight Watchers?

Tags: "helpful" advice · heart · hey fatty · Houston · Mother-daughter notes · signed with love

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but mind your own damn business.

May 11th, 2010 · 105 Comments

Our Bay-Area submitter returned from lunch one day to find this note from an anonymous concerned coworker.

“I’ll admit that I’ve gained about 15 pounds recently,” she says. However, “At 4’11 and normally around 95 pounds, even with the extra 15 I’m still within an acceptable weight range for my height.” But the real kicker, says our submitter?

“I’m also 5 months pregnant. I just haven’t made a big deal about it by talking incessantly about it or demanding special treatment like I’m God’s gift to the world just because I got myself knocked up.”

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am just concerned for your health. Have you considered Weight Watchers? I lost 20lb that way!!! We even have a program here at work. Tues @ Noon - hope to see you there! :)

(So, uh, I think that’s a no, she won’t be seeing you there.)

related: I am beautiful, not matter what they say (or passive-aggressively insinuate)

Tags: "helpful" advice · Bay Area · hey fatty · most popular notes of 2010 · office · oh no you didn't · preggers · smiley · the best of intentions

Sounds like somebody needs a vacation.

April 30th, 2010 · 78 Comments

Luckily, Liz in Houston convinced her work buddy not to forward this not-at-all-passive Jerry Springer-esque rant to the entire company e-mail list, as originally intended. (Otherwise, work buddy’s much-needed vacation might have turned out to be a permanent one.)

If I catch another one of you getting on our already crammed slow a$ elevators to go down one friggin floor I might lose it. It took me 11 minutes to get to the lobby. Want to know why? Shut up, I'm telling you why. Cause you lazy mother f'ers use it to get from the 21st to the 20th floors.I see you, you aren't even wearing uncomfortable designer shoes, so you have no excuse except that pile of lard you call your a$. I'm watching you...

related: Do your stairs think you’re fat?

extra credit: How not to land an internship [gawker.com]

Tags: all-staff e-mail · elevator · hey fatty · Houston · more aggressive than passive · not so much passive-aggressive · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity

I am beautiful, no matter what they say (or passive-aggressively insinuate)

April 28th, 2010 · 143 Comments

Katie in Oklahoma City was cleaning out a box of wedding memorabilia when she rediscovered this note from her mother, written just after she paid for Katie’s wedding dress.

Although I know a lot of brides who would have immediately ripped this card (and the enclosed check) to bits, Katie accepted the gift with impressively good humor. “I found it funny,” she says, “because it’s just the way my Mom is. She signed my Dad’s name too, but it’s from her…just her.”

Dear Katie, You are beautiful now. We are sure you will be a beautiful bride. To help insure our wedding dress investment, please buy some scales of your choosing with this money and weigh yourself once a week. We love you and want you to enjoy your wedding day. This present might help with some of the stress. With love, Mom & Dad

“Oh, and just FYI,” Katie adds, “I think I weighed 115 pounds at the time this note was written.”

related: Loose lips shrink hips?

extra credit: We hope there’s a Borg scale for every bride! [LIFE magazine, 1961]

Tags: "helpful" advice · a little insensitive · hey fatty · Moms & Dads · money · most popular notes of 2010 · Mother-daughter notes · oh no you didn't · Oklahoma · signed with love · weddings and bridezillas

Sweet & Lowdown

January 18th, 2010 · 105 Comments

Sadly, not everyone shares Angela‘s compassion for the portly.

At Julie’s office in Alexandria, Virginia, one employee decided to formalize his or her grudge against artificial sweeteners (and us fatties who love them) with a little help from the reception desk label-maker. Protests Julie: “Hey, some of us just like our sucralose, okay? Or maybe we’re diabetic!”

How about going to the gym instead?

(In one office break room in the Twin Cities, meanwhile, the sugar packets themselves do the talking…)

USE REAL SUGAR...if you know what's good for you

And across town at a different office in St. Paul, the office manager (“a fitness freak,” according to our submitter) takes the (relatively) constructive approach with her fellow employees — who are, our submitter agrees, “a bunch of lard-ass geeks who don’t exercise.” Um, thanks?

$2 off Exercise DVD: Please use if you can!

related: Do your stairs think you’re fat?


Tags: "helpful" advice · hey fatty · office

Loose lips shrink hips?

November 9th, 2009 · 272 Comments

Our anonymous submitter from Herndon, Virginia and two of his friends — “all three of us on the large size” — were having lunch at a restaurant when a lady sitting nearby passed them this dear little note of encouragement.

Dear you! Excuse me 4 breaking in.  I'm sitting the next table to u.  My name is Angela.  I'm from Sofia, Bulgaria.  I'm Bulgarian, and American citizen too.  I gained 35 pounds since I got to the USA.  Please don't get hurt, but the (3) of U should loose weight.  I know it's hard.  It is certainly hard 4 me.  But U feel better afterwards, and validated and accomplished.  Best Angela

related: hey, fatty

Tags: "helpful" advice · culture clash · hey fatty · most popular notes of 2009 · unsolicited feedback

Do your stairs think you’re fat?

March 28th, 2009 · 100 Comments

Rachel in Victoria, B.C. found this somewhat puzzling bit of anthropomorphism (stairs have feelings? really?) posted in the elevator of her building. “My favourite part is ‘your bum will love it,’” Rachel says. “No better way to guilt trip people into ‘saving energy’ than by insinuating that they’re fat!”

Stairs have feelings too! They love being walked on and require no energy except your own which is LIMITLESS and FREE!  --your bum will love it

related: Hey, fatty

Tags: anthropomorphism · Canada · elevator · energy usage · excessive underlining · guilt trip · hey fatty