Entries Tagged as 'Halloween'

I EARNED THIS.

November 4th, 2013 · 75 Comments

Explains David in California: “Because of an ant problem, Julia can’t keep her candy in her room.” Thus…

If anyone eats my candy I will kill them. Seriously, stop. I didn't get very much candy and I had a terrible Halloween filled with sickness. Eat your own candy. I earned this. FIND YOUR HUMANITY.

related: There’s stealing candy from children, and then there’s…this.

Tags: candy · Halloween · most popular notes of 2013

Happy Hallow— oh.

October 30th, 2013 · 77 Comments

Well then.

Happy Hallow— oh.

related: NO CANDY GO AWAY!

Tags: Halloween · most popular notes of 2013

Another year without the Great Pumpkin

October 17th, 2013 · 43 Comments

Well, it’s that time of year again…time for heartless hooligans to smash pumpkins (and with them, the hearts of small, gourd-loving children).

David in California spotted this sign next to a small field of corn and pumpkins located next to a popular public jogging trail.

Whoever stole the Big Pumpkin you broke a little boy's heart

related: It’s hard out there for a pumpkin.

Tags: California · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Halloween · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children?

No treats, no tricks, just boos.

October 31st, 2012 · 120 Comments

So, which house do you think is the most likely to get egged by angry trick-or-treaters?

Exhibit a) From Chester Springs, Pennsylvania:

HUNGOVER. If you ring the doorbell, I will piss in your plastic pumpkin.

Exhibit b)

NO CANDY JUST SWINE FLU (It's worse than no candy.)

Exhibit c)

NO CANDY HERE WAITING FOR PIZZA MAN

Exhibit d) From Jackson, Mississippi:

Warning! No candy! All Trick-or-Treaters will be attacked by Evil Clown!

Exhibit e) Spotted by Greg in Escondido, California:

DEAR TRICK OR TREATERS: CANDY AND OTHER CONFECTIONS ARE AN AFFRONT TO THE LORD AND AS SUCH WE SHALL NOT BE PROVIDE ANY ON THIS DAY OF SIN! DEUTERONOMY 18:9-12, 1 PETER 5:8

Exhibit f) Spotted by Tyree in Oakridge, Oregon

No Candy go Away

related: Some advice for would-be pumpkin smashers

Tags: candy · go away · Halloween

The Parent Tax

July 30th, 2012 · 99 Comments

Well, Dad? What have you got to say for yourself?

Dear Daddy, Last night (4/24/12)I was looking for your hole puncher. (for mamas mothers day presant. I didn't find it. I looked inside in hopes to find the hole puncher. Instead I found my Halloween candy. I know it was Halloween because of the stickers inside of it. When (last year after Halloween) I asked you were it was you said "Oh, that's long gone by now." So you lied to my face. Also, now I'm strongly suspicious that for consecutive years you have been stealing our candy. I really want my candy back. It is rightfully mine. So I think you should give it back. Your Daughter, Callie

(Thanks to Katie in Kansas City for submitting!)

related: Why didn’t you tell me the tooth fairy wasn’t real?

Tags: candy · Halloween · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2012

Mellon Collie and the Seasonal Sadness

October 29th, 2011 · 123 Comments

Halloween: smashing children’s dreams, one pumpkin at a time. (Sigh)

MESSAGE TO THE VANDAL WHO SMASHED UP THE PUMPKIN ON THIS PLOT: The pumpkin was intended for my 4 year old niece to carve at Halloween. She has spent the last 4 months watching it grow and is now understandable rather upset that you've smashed it for no apparent reason than to

(Spotted by Toby in the U.K.)

related: Another four-year-old gets wise to the cruel, cruel world we live in

Tags: CAPS LOCK · guilt trip · Halloween · U.K. · vandalism · Won't somebody think of the children?

Some advice for would-be pumpkin smashers

October 30th, 2010 · 50 Comments

In Ohio, one household tries the proactive approach to preventing Halloween thuggery:

Instead of stealing/breaking our Halloween decorations, perhaps you could try the following activities! 1. Start an emo band 2. learn to read 3. paint a self portrait 4. build a house 5. dig for treasure that may or may not be buried in the park 6. walk around walmart 7. recreate the Battle of Gettysburg in the street 8. find your real father 9. ride a bike 10. give back the bike you probably stole  See, there are plenty of things to do besides vandalize creativity! Have fun kids, and remember, knowing is half the battle.

(We’ll have to wait to hear back from our submitter Darcy to see if it worked.)

related: Jerk-o-lanterns

Tags: Halloween · most popular notes of 2010 · Ohio · stealing · vandalism

Another 4-year-old gets wise to the cruel, cruel world we live in.

October 28th, 2010 · 128 Comments

With Halloween upon us, it’s not just uprooted flowers that are breaking the hearts of 4-year-olds around the world. Now entire families (of pumpkins) are being destroyed!

PLEASE DO NOT steal our pumpkins! Our four year old daughter was heart broken about seeing HER pumpkin busted in the street. We DID have a momma pumpkin, a daddy pumpkin and a baby pumpkin, we were planning on carving them as a FAMILY this weekend. You took our JOY when you STOLE our pumpkin.

Once again, this compulsive over-sharing seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon. As Archie in Brighton witnessed, the Brits manage to get straight to the bloody point.

Who ever stole our kids pumpkin we hope it chokes you. Sarah, Kevin and the children cared and watered the pumpkin patch for weeks.

related: People suck. (A valuable lesson for any four-year-old)

Tags: guilt trip · Halloween · kids · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?

Jerk-o-lanterns

October 29th, 2009 · 157 Comments

Chris in Valdosta, Georgia came home last Halloween Eve to find this friendly reminder taped to every mailbox in his quiet little cul-de-sac. (“It’s a little worse for wear,” Chris explains, “because I ripped it off and stomped it on a few times before scanning it.”)

A reminder from your neighborhood preacher

The underlying message, interestingly enough, actually isn’t all that different from this one, by an unhappy Halloween celebrant in Somersworth, New Hampshire.

Whoever stole my Pumpkin, I hope you ROTT [sic] IN HELL.

Meanwhile, Jake in Grand Rapids, Michigan came home last Halloween to this glowing display in his living room. “Apparently my roommate and his girlfriend had spent all day working on them,” Jake says. “I don’t think he was mad at me for any one particular thing, but he did this sort of thing on a fairly regular basis…which made living with him pretty entertaining.”

FUCK YOU JAKE...DIE

related: Pumpkin with a death wish

Tags: Halloween · holiday spirit · Jesus · roommates · you're like so going to hell

And a Happy Halloween to you, too

October 31st, 2008 · 92 Comments

Spotted by Lange from Cambridge, Massachusetts while campaigning for Obama in New Hampshire. Says Lange: “We decided against bugging them with our political spiel. (We assumed they were Obama supporters anyway.)”

To whoever stole our pumpkin: Please enjoy it since we cannot. Thank you & Happy Halloween

Meanwhile, corporate belt-tightening isn’t going over so well with the office grunts this Halloween. “This was the response to the environment/holiday committee’s lack of Halloween candy in the office after already ‘decorating’ the office with empty candy containers,” says our submitter in Los Angeles.

:(

In Oakridge, Oregon, however — as our submitter Tyree noticed — they don’t go in much for subtlety.

No Candy go Away

related: Pumpkin with a death wish

Tags: candy · Halloween · holiday spirit · office · party planning committee