Entries Tagged as 'karma’s a bitch'

No problem — ’twas a piece of a cake!

June 18th, 2013 · 91 Comments

“Our organization recently moved most of its employees from several small offices into one large office,” writes our submitter in Vancouver. “It only took five months for the kitchen conflict to ramp up into a full-blown note war.”

thank you for helping yourself to half of my birthday cake....I guess I didn't need the whole cake to share with my friends and coworkers anyways. ...and happy birthday to you too!

To the leaver of the cake: You're very welcome.

...and someone helped themselves to one of my steam buns (leftovers) in a takeout box but I have a bad cold so they'll get the bad karma back.

related: Let the rest of us eat cake.

Tags: birthday · cake · karma's a bitch · note wars · office fridge · stealing · thanks (but not really) · Vancouver

Game of Thorns

June 20th, 2012 · 19 Comments

Dear Notewriter: Clearly, you’re not a scholar of Indian religious traditions, so just FYI: “Karma” doesn’t translate from the Sanskrit as “sword-wielding mercenary” or “the guy Liam Neeson played in Taken.”

To the asshole who stole my PLANTS: KARMA WILL FIND YOU AND IT WILL KILL YOU!

(Also, the Knight of Flowers is offended by your insinuations.)

Thanks to Hannah in Oakland for submitting!

related: The Orchid (and Daffodil, and Begonia) Thief

Tags: die bitch die · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · karma's a bitch · Oakland · stealing

Karma Police

January 12th, 2012 · 55 Comments

This is what you get when you mess with us:

If you "attempt" to throw something away & miss or if the trashcan is already full & you pile it on top, or if the bag has fallen in & you don't fit it & just add your disgusting garbage to it, then WE HATE YOU! Don't worry about who "WE" are, just worry about cleaning up after yourself. IT IS BAD KARMA to leave your trash lying around!!! <3 the karma police have a nice day! :)

In other words: You’re a creep. You’re a weirdo. What the hell are you doing here? You don’t belong here!

SODA in H2O cups is BAD KARMA

Please help prevent bad karma: DO NOT flush feminine hygiene products.  Place in waste basket.  Thank you, Management.

(Thanks to Bonnie from North Carolina, Eric in California, and Paperback Writer in Pittsburgh for their submissions!)

 

related: Karma’s a bitch.

Tags: Coke · garbage · have a nice day · karma's a bitch · smiley · toilet

The Orchid (and Daffodil and Begonia) Thief

March 29th, 2011 · 58 Comments

Maya in the U.K. spotted this magnanimous display on a garden wall on her way home, in a neighborhood “that must be simply full of hundreds of passive-aggressive middle class Brits.” Says Maya: ”I was tempted to steal the daffodils myself, but refrained.”

These daffodils are for the thief, living at the bottom of the road, who obviously loves daffodils but is too poor to buy his own - even at 2 bunches for a £1. For 2 successive weekends he has stolen some from this front garden. These he can take as a gift. Enjoy.

Meanwhile, Greg’s neighbor in Washington, D.C. decided to go with even an more straight-ahead guilt-trippy approach.

To the person responsible for stealing the begonia: Please return it; no question asked. This plant is a clipping given to me by my great aunt. She is now dead. I would we happy to root a clipping for you if you indeed wish to have such a specimen. Thank you.

Lastly, Fern spotted this scarily upbeat FYI while vacationing in Key West, Florida. (Adds Fern: “We think the flower just died.”)

Hey Orchid Thief: Hope you like your flower! Just wanted to let you know stealing is bad karma! Enjoy : )

related:  Three cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves

P.S. Before settling for a ho-hum Susan Orleans reference, I must admit that when writing this post, I tried — and failed — to come up with an worthy Wordworths-riffing title. In light of my lack of inspiration, I was especially delighted by this bit of brilliance from shwo! in the comments section:

I wandered slyly as a thief
Who flows on low o’er gutter spills,
When all at once I saw a leaf,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the porch, beneath the trees,
I think I will be stealing these.

Tags: D.C. · Florida · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · guilt trip · karma's a bitch · smiley · stealing · U.K.

The circle of Hell Dante forgot to mention

December 23rd, 2010 · 51 Comments

So, I’ve been thinking about it (!) but I’m still not entirely clear about what type of eternal damnation Christmas-ornament thieves should supposedly be condemned. Perhaps some sort of Sisyphean untangling of Christmas lights?

There's a special place in Hell for people who steal Christmas ornaments! (think about it!)

One thing seems certain, however: no matter what your belief system, some type of divine retribution is in order.

For the people or kids who stole all the xmas rubber duckies and then the very last solitary duckie, I hope you realize this fence is private property and I will still call the police. Also:

Thanks to Wade in D.C., Jack in Santa Monica, and Emma in L.A. for their submissions!

related: Imagine…Christmas morning…You!!

Tags: Christmas · karma's a bitch · stealing · the po-po · you're like so going to hell

We live in a nice community with nice neighbors (before you started posting notes)

June 16th, 2010 · 135 Comments

Chris found this not-so-nice note in the laundry room of his nice townhouse complex. What’s interesting here is how the author seems to undermine his or her own logic. (As Chris put it, “I know it’s really pathetic to steal a dryer sheet and a quarter, but really, is it that big of a deal?”)

If it’s not about the 25 cents, but rather, the principle of the thing, well…which is worse? To take a quarter from an empty laundry room, knowing that one of your neighbors left it there? Or to post a dick-ish anonymous note for all to see…instead of, say, keeping your damn quarters in your pocket like everybody else?

To the INDIGENT who stole MY dryer sheet and MY quarter that I left on MY washer while MY clothes were washing..and yes, I know who you are... Are you THAT fuckin poor that you have to steal a quarter??  Grow the fuck up.  We live in a nice community with nice neighbors (before you moved here). I've left quarters and dryer sheets on my washer many times, and they've never been taken til now. You can tape a dollar to this note if you have any kind of a conscience...otherwise, expect some bad karma comin back at ya...

related: I know where you live, laundry thief

Tags: ellipses-crazed · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · grow up · I know who you are · karma's a bitch · laundry · message to all intended for one · money · neighbors · stealing · Tucson

Which is more despicable?

November 30th, 2009 · 206 Comments

Exhibit A, as seen by an anonymous submitter in Seattle?

REGAIN KARMA BACK!

…or exhibit B, as spotted by Mitch in Goldendale, Washington?

I'm sorry Tobby was stoled.

related: and god knows what

Tags: CAPS LOCK · comma diarrhea · confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · guilt trip · karma's a bitch · Seattle · spelling and grammar police · stealing · Washington state

Sincerely, Mr. Ed

July 15th, 2008 · 135 Comments

Our anonymous submitter in California — pleading innocence — says she was singled out with this note in a barn that houses 60 other horses and their hay.

Hello there, It has come to my attention that you are frequently out of hay. And there seems to be hay missing from a lot of people. My hay in particular seems to be going really fast. I keep careful track of my hay and there are people who are watching my things as well. I do realize that it is expensive to maintain a horse. And we all do what we can for the welfare of our horses. But taking someone's hay is not the answer. I really hope you find another way to deal with your situation. It this continues I will be forced to go to management. We all are here for the horses and there fore must get along, and by stealing you are breeding bad vibes. Also, if you continue to steal that is bad karma for you. What goes around comes around. Try to remember that the next time you steal my hay. Thanks

This note’s lack of obvious sitcom-ish puns — with the exception of “breeding good vibes” — makes me think that maybe I’ve been doing this too long…or perhaps that I haven’t been giving horses enough credit.

related: four legs good, two legs bad
extra credit: fourteen passive-aggressive appetizers [thenewyorker.com]

Tags: horses, cows, & chickens · I'm telling on you! · karma's a bitch · Los Angeles · stealing

Wet laundry’s a bitch

May 28th, 2008 · 212 Comments

Spotted by Anna on the wall of an apartment complex in Phoenix…

Enjoy your yeast infection! :)

Meanwhile, in Ottawa…it’s comforting to know that even when Mom isn’t there to do your laundry, she can still help you guilt-trip your neighbors.

To the person who rudely took my laundry out of this dryer and tossed it in a damp pile on the dirty shelf, I'm terrible sorry that your laundry had to wait the 5 mins it was taking me to come downstairs to remove my own laundry from the dryer. I'll tell my mom next time she shouldn't call me during laundry time as someone, such as yourself, may have to wait a few mins longer for the machine. I'm aware of the fact that there are only 2 machines for the entire building but give me a break - how rude can you possiblt be? Perhaps maybe in the future we can work out a time schedule so that my meger [sic] clothing doesn't interfere with your clearly superior laundry. Thanks for that.  P.S. I was planning on allowing my stuff to COMPLETELY dry and put more $ in the machine but your needs come first, I understand.

related: I wiped between my legs with those towels!

Tags: guilt trip · karma's a bitch · laundry · Moms & Dads · Ottawa · p.s. · Phoenix · sarcasm · thanks (but not really) · TL;DR

It’s not funny, it’s my sandwich

December 5th, 2007 · 138 Comments

Joe in Northern Virginia has amassed a pretty divine collection of office fridge notes over the years, the best of which portend various forms of karmic/economic/physical retribution.

IT's not funny! It's not a joke! It's STEALING...and it could cost you your job! Please be sure that you don't "accidentally" eat someone else's food!

BEWARE One of your coworkers is a thief and so completely lazy that they stole my sandwich. They stole a HOMEMADE sandwich. Who steals food in the first place? And honestly, who steals a non-packaged product? Do you really want something someone else handled? From now on, I suggest everyone sneezes on and profusely licks their food prior to bringing it to work. I know I will.

The the ignorant person who stole my lunch between yesterday and today: I just wanted to let you know that I have strep throat and you'll notice I had partially eaten the food. Don't be surprised if you get sick.

related: It must have been a pretty big bite

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · ellipses-crazed · food · karma's a bitch · licking · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · Reston · stealing · Virginia