Entries Tagged as 'love & marriage'

Haterade on the Rocks, with a twist

January 26th, 2011 · 133 Comments

After a night of heavy drinking, Dani in Baltimore woke up with a killer hangover that turned positively murderous when she noticed that her bottle of Gatorade — which she’d been saving in anticipation of her post-hangover re-hydration needs — was missing from the fridge.

Assuming her husband must have taken it, Dani quickly dashed off this exclamation-point-heavy tirade (which, of course, is “passive” only in the sense that she chose to sit down at the keyboard instead of going straight for the butcher knife).

A few hours later, however, says Dani, “I remembered that I had actually drunkenly finished the bottle of Gatorade the night before, in an attempt to avoid said hangover. Oops!”

Why the fuck are you continuing to steal my god damn Gatorade!!!!!!!!!! This is America, not another planet! And just because I write my name on the unopened bottle of Gatorade that is mine does not somehow mean that the open bottle that I've already drank part of is no longer mine!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!! If you do it again, so help me God I will CHOP YOUR BALLS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m  hoping this little “oops” was a come-to-Jesus moment for Dani that showed her the error of note-writing ways, but if not…well, Dani’s husband: consider yourself warned. Because seriously, this is America, not another planet!

related: You are on Uncle Paul’s list!

Tags: drizzunk · exclamation-point happy!!!! · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · questionable logic · sig o

But…but…if your relationship was never public on Facebook, did it ever really exist?

January 19th, 2011 · 49 Comments

You can be sure our submitter wasn’t the only rubbernecking bystander on Facebook to feel pained by the awkwardness on display in this public wound-picking.

Dear “C”: A word of advice? Back away from your computer. Disconnect your WiFi. Channel your feelings into a Taylor Swift song or a six-pack or something. Unless, of course, you want to end up like this 20 years down the road…

C: I think that you never changed your relationship status from single during the 11 months we dated ought to have clued me in. Hope you're doing well. S: Either that, or you're on facebook even less than I am, and all of my profile info is a few years out of date. C: Well, as I happened to mention it a few times while we were dating, and as it would have taken you 30 seconds to change it, it still follows. However, we're not dating anymore, so I don't have to be hurt by your essential ambivalence toward the relationship anymore. Cheerio!

related: Another example of why you should never publish your relationship status on Facebook

Tags: ex drama · Facebook

Local paper doing its part to keep uppity women in their place…on the society page

January 13th, 2011 · 64 Comments

While scanning the Celebrations section of the local newspaper, Caroline in Raleigh, North Carolina was amused to see this unusual little “non-wedding announcement.”

And while I’m sure the editors (bless their hearts) were just pleased by this cheeky bit of “outside the box” feature-writing — with no implied judgement regarding a young woman’s lack of an MRS. degree — the “tsk-tsking” feel of the last line (unintentional or not) still made me feel like I was reading a Junior League newsletter from 1962.

While her three siblings were hard at work planning their respective weddings, Nikelle Orellana was busy honing her creative skills. On June 24, 2010 she received a daytime Emmy for Outstanding Achievement in Main Title and Graphic Design. The award was for her work on Avec Eric, a cooking show featured on PBS. Nikelle is the daughter of Dr. and Mrs. Juan Orellana of Wake Forest, NC. She holds degrees from NC State School of Design and California Institute of the Arts (Cal Arts). Ms. Orellana is currently living in NYC where she works as a senior graphic designer for Droga 5. At present she has no plans for a wedding.

related: The “Next to Marry” List

extra credit: Dad glad for three weddings [newsobserver.com]

Tags: newspaper · North Carolina · Raleigh · weddings and bridezillas

This Christmas, give the gift of honesty

November 30th, 2010 · 93 Comments

While helping her dad clean out her grandmother’s old apartment, Amanda says she found this incredible “love note” tucked in a bottom drawer. “All my dad could say was, ‘Well, romance wasn’t always your grandfather’s strong suit.’”

12-22-88  Here is a present for you.. I'm not certain just which brand you smoke but I think that after 35 years of sneaking, lying, cheating, stealing you can try to be honest about this.  Don't sneak it any more -- I really don't give a damn if you smoke a carton a day and as a matter of fact if you will return the empty I will buy you another -- and if you have a preference let me know as these were $1.50 each. If it will hurry along the process I am all for it but don't expect me to do for your whaty you did for your mother -- get Connie to do it...

related:  I don’t want to hear another damn word about flowers.

Tags: Christmas · holiday spirit · love & marriage · old folks · smoking

Best wishes, godless heathens!

October 27th, 2010 · 94 Comments

Although at first glance this card might seem pretty harmless, our submitter in Sacramento says she’s had enough experience with her new husband’s ultra-religious cousins to be able to read between the lines. (Just add “…before you’re both condemned to eternal damnation” to the end of the last sentence and you’ll get the idea.)

Though we were saddened that you didn't marry in the church we are still happy for you. May God guide you in your new life together. May you have many years of wedding [sic] bliss.

Adds our bristling bride: “I felt like telling her she could keep her $50 and her guilt trip, too, but decided I would have my revenge by having a long, happy, secular marriage instead.”

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

extra credit: the front of the card

Tags: family · Jesus · love & marriage · Sacramento · signed with love

Merry Christmas! God told me to dump you.

October 10th, 2010 · 69 Comments

Sara says her sister in Waxhaw, North Carolina stumbled upon this personal inscription at a rummage sale of donated books.

Here’s a synopsis: Basically, our writer Robert starts out by giving himself a gold star for selecting such an “interesting” Christmas gift, then lets Leah down easy with the old “God told me I could do better” excuse, and finally peaces out with “So…see ya on christianmingle.com!”

Why Leah would want to part with such a precious gem, I have no idea.

Dear Leah, This is a very interesting Christmas present! I hope you like it! I have prayed about us since our first date.  I think we should be friends and I hope that is the same the Lord told you. Our search for our life's companion [sic] continues...Robert

Dear Leah, This is a very interesting Christmas present! I hope you like it! I have prayed about us since our first date.  I think we should be friends and I hope that is the same the Lord told you. Our search for our life's companion [sic] continues...Robert

related: The “Next to Marry” List

Tags: breakup · Christmas · God · holiday spirit · most popular notes of 2010

Way to rub it in, mates.

October 1st, 2010 · 53 Comments

Kelcy from London snapped this photo while this year’s Glastonbury Festival. “And yes, it was amazing,” she says. “Poor Tom!”

Our mate Tom (whose 12) couldn't make it this year, please text him and tell him what a great time you're having!!! THANKS

UPDATE: Prue from Manchester reports spotting a similar — slightly more aggressive — message at Glastonbury, too. “The crossed out bits were the ‘just ex’ girlfriend’s phone number and name (so one could send her an abusive message on Facebook),” Prue says. “Lovely.”

Our mate Jack was't allowed to come cos his

related: “Cheers, mate!” is not an acceptable tip in Texas

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · ex drama · text message · U.K.

Happy birthday dear what’s-his-face

September 5th, 2010 · 57 Comments

Jo in Australia received this message from an ex-boyfriend via the dating site OKCupid. “This was where we met, so I guess he was trying to be poignant,” Jo says. “For obvious reasons,” — a.k.a. THEY WERE BROKEN UP — “I neglected to call him on his birthday. This clearly brought up more deep-seated self-esteem issues.” Nothin’ sexier than that!

Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday dear what's 'is face, Happy Birthday to me. Just wanted to thank you for the care and concern you showed over the last two weeks by returning my calls and remembering me on my birthday. I think your silence spoke the volumes you wanted it to. I am hurt. I am sure it galls you to owe money to somebody who is clearly just a pest so i have included my account details below. If you could also mail back the missing Battlestar episodes I leant your brother that would be appreciated. Devastated that we fell so far.

“Replying to him is out of the question,” Jo adds — “I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of words.” Instead, she took the passive-aggressive approach: submitting it to this site.

related: So glad we’re not together!

Tags: Australia · birthday · ex drama · just not that into you · online dating · thanks (but not really)

Exes and Ohs

July 29th, 2010 · 111 Comments

It all started when Erin in Toronto sent her uncle a Christmas card. Actually, scratch that — it all started three years ago, at Erin’s wedding, the last time Erin actually saw her uncle in person.

Before the wedding, Erin explains, “Linda (my uncle’s girlfriend) RSVP’d that she’d attend, and then then didn’t bother to show up, meaning we had to pay for her meal anyway.” (Not that she’s bitter about that or anything!) “Since then,” Erin says, “I assumed they had broken up and have addressed the annual Christmas card to just my uncle and cousin.”

Now, while that might sound a bit hasty (or even, dare I say…passive-aggressive),  in Erin’s defense, the Christmas cards she received were only signed by her uncle and cousin — this year’s included. And yet, in what appears to be a last-minute back-of-the-envelope calculation, “Linda chose this year to remind me that she was still kicking around,” Erin says.

Hi Erin! In case you weren't aware I live here as well (13 years). Thanks! Linda

On the flip side of things, receiving mail addressed to one’s ex can be a disturbing experience as well. I’d say this intercepted message speaks for itself.

Nancy cheated on her husband while he was deployed to Iraq and no longer lives at this address. Return to sender.

related: There are NO pre-paid legal executives (OR FEMALES!) living here!

Tags: Christmas · ex drama · family · going postal · Oops? · Texas · Toronto · weddings and bridezillas

Sorry to break it to you

July 5th, 2010 · 101 Comments

The following message is a bit long, yes, but I had to post it because it reads uncannily like what I imagine as the epistolary novel of the future — complete with an unreliable narrator à la the Adrian Mole Diaries (or the sub-par American ripoff, Youth in Revolt).

It comes to us from Helen in Northern Ireland, who gives the following backstory:  ”So, I met a friend of a friend on a night out and he offered to ‘walk me home.’ Seeing right through that clever ruse, I left, only to be bombarded with no fewer than four texts, a Facebook message and a voicemail all saying some inebriated yet romantic things.”

Months later, Helen ran into a mutual friend of this would-be Lothario, and casually said something along the lines of, ‘He tried to walk me home once, but I think he is a bit strange.’ Shortly thereafter, she received this gem of a Facebook message. “Luckily,” Helen says, “he removed and blocked me from Facebook immediately after sending it. Nice chap!”

Don't flatter yourself

related: And women like u wonder why u get judged and labeled shallow

Tags: Facebook · just an asshole · just not that into you · oh no you didn't · spurned lover · TL;DR · U.K.