PassiveAggressiveNotes.com » martyr complex

Nobody does a “polite notice” quite like the Brits

Kerry — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 02:38:17 +0000

“One of our local parks has a busy tea shop that’s popular with walkers, cyclists, families and people exercising their dogs,” says Clive in Brighton. “I don’t blame them for getting fed up with demanding dog owners, and I suppose a note is one way to communicate, but in rhyme? And, worse, rhyme this bad?”

Next time, I’ll burn the mail.

Kerry — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 03:27:39 +0000

Jillian and her roommates in Massachusetts recently found this note — which goes from 0 to 60 in half a page — outside their apartment door. At the time it was left, says Jillian: “None of us were home except the dog, who apparently needs to lose weight.”

But hey, neighbor? Even if they had been home, ignoring a knock hardly seems grounds for jumping straight to burning the mail. Apparently it is not a good month for chilling the fuck out.

related: (Don’t Fear) The Creeper

I can feel your teeth clenching from here :)

Kerry — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 12:22:43 +0000

Be afraid, roomies. Be very afraid.

related: I don’t complain.

Not to worry, I’m alive. Not that you’d care. I’m only your mother!

Kerry — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 03:29:39 +0000

Our submitter and her brother — both adults — recently received this e-mail from their mother, who’s currently traveling (thus making telephone calls difficult). What ever did empty nesters do before e-mail?

(Actually, it’s pretty easy to imagine this in telegram form — just take out the word “email” and sub in for all those question marks.)

It’s my pity party, and I’ll whine if I want to

Kerry — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 02:24:37 +0000

If I had to choose the one thing I hate most about Facebook, I think it would have to be how it’s normalized the narcissistic idea that the day you were born (and increasingly the entire week/month leading up to it) is somehow an annual event of earth-shattering importance…and (part two), how it has turned into a venue for people who share that idea to host their own pity parties, like so:

Of course, some of those people prefer the prematurely pissy approach — this message, for example, was apparently posted at 10:50 the day before her birthday:

But on Facebook, the “proactively setting the bar low” approach (as opposed to proactively setting the bar high) might yield better results…that is, if your friends still pity you enough to put with your juvenile bullshit.

Grow some thicker bark, why don’tcha?

Kerry — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 02:52:22 +0000

“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

related: The right to bear fruit

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Parents

Kerry — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 20:10:33 +0000

When I was a kid, my mother liked to say that I had a “flair for the dramatic.” Just ask her about the My Little Pony sewing machine she promised — I mean crossed her heart and hoped to die promised — that I could have when I turned six. (I’m still waiting.)

If only my parents had sent my temper-tantrum-throwing little bratty self to time-out armed with pencil and paper! Then we might have precious mementos like this one, written by the youngest daughter of our anonymous submitter from Pennsylvania. After being sent to her room for bad behavior, darling daughter — “a chronic notewriter” — slipped this under the door for her parents to discover.

(The crossed-out “Love” is what kills me.) And of course, it’s not just little girls who resort to such melodrama.

As Sara in Phoenix explains, ”My husband and I were outside one evening, deaf to the ‘screams’ of my 9-year-old son, Eliot. Apparently, he was in his room and bumped his fish tank, causing a small amount of water to slosh out, and he panicked. When we came back inside, we found the above note shoved under our bedroom door. Upon examination of said fish tank, we could find zero evidence of leak-springing…but then, we were also laughing pretty hard at the indignant note — especially its closing and postscript.”

Adds Sara: “P.S. Bob is fine.”

related: The joys of motherhood

Because a true friend would never turn down an opportunity to play stupid games and buy you expensive crap

Kerry — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 01:00:23 +0000

…especially when the invitation is extended via your Facebook wall to everyone you know.

Or (oopsies!) almost everyone you know.

extra credit: STFU, Parents

“Really, Honey. Take your time!”

Kerry — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 05:01:38 +0000

Gail in Pennsylvania says the Ann Taylor Loft store at her local mall has a small table stocked with paper and crayons — “an offering to the busy mother who has been forced to bring her pesky little children along for a shopping trip.”

When she took a closer look at the table’s scribblings, however, she had to chuckle at the sitcom-like image of a grown man stuffed into one those kiddie-sized chairs. Adds Gail: “I wonder if Greg’s wife ever saw her wonderful husband’s little PA note to the world? Well, here’s her chance!”

Actually, I am offended…above all, by your atrocious spelling.

Kerry — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:20:18 +0000

“This was posted after the author cleaned the house which consisted entirely of her own mess,” says our anonymous submitter in the U.K.

Of course, when you live with multiple roommates, it’s always somebody else’s mess. (Or should I say…I’ts?)

Deny a man his web comics? How dare you.

Kerry — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 04:16:33 +0000

Heather in Indianapolis is the kind of gal who helps out a pal who’s down on his luck. So when her marginally employed friend needed a place to crash while he got back on his feet, she let Greg live in her house and help himself to her food and other belongings, like her laptop, “pretty much rent-free,” for three months.

One day, after several hours spent trying to get rid of all the spyware on her computer — thanks to all the porn sites she found in the browser history — she turned on parental controls. (A lil’ passive-aggressive? Maybe.) Then, when she forgot to log off one day, Greg removed them.

When Heather figured this out (after being bombarded by spyware once again) she added the parental controls back. And Greg — instead of saying something like, “Hey, did you realize those settings block stuff like Google and Careerbuilder?” — left her this charming note.

“According to this note,” Heather says, “in addition to all the horrible things I’ve done such as give him a place to live, let him eat my food, give him breaks on rent for months at a time and put up with his laziness, carelessness and filth, I have also DENIED HIM A SOCIAL LIFE! OMG!”

UPDATE: The back of the note!

Shoshana, it looks like you have some competition.

A lunch thief with serious balls

Kerry — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 15:25:55 +0000

Kim in Canberra says this A3-sized missive was posted in numerous locations on all four floors of her building. Of this numbered list, I’d say #3 is what puts it over the top.

On a related note: Did you know the word “avocado” comes from the Aztec word for testicle? (Thanks, Wikipedia!)

related: who moved my cheese?

extra credit: someone is stealing avocados, and guac cops are on the case [nytimes.com]

Dear Grandma: Thanks, I guess.

Kerry — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:00:46 +0000

Writes our anonymous submitter: “This was sent to my six-year-old step daughter by her grandma. The birthday present in question was a pack of writing paper and $5 American. We live in Canada.”

(The “did you get…” pretense combined with the oh-so-subtle post script is so classic “passive-aggressive grandma” that I cannot even handle it. Bonus points for the repurposed note paper!)

Meanwhile, Toni spotted this grandma’s thank-you note on a closed booth at a flea market in Lakewood, Ohio.

related: But…but…I didn’t forget!

I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Kerry — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:21:07 +0000

This martyr alert spotted by Randy on the breakroom fridge of his office in Chico, California…

related: hostile takeover