Our submitter’s friend in Columbia, Missouri found this on the ground beneath a tree yesterday, “and she couldn’t just leave it there. It really was the perfect tree for climbing.”

(And the accompanying note really does have the perfect rhythm for a call-a-response revival stomp, no? I’d love to see what the Gregory Brothers could do with this…)

UPDATE: The Sneaky Mister has made my year!

related: Grow some thicker bark, why donttcha?

When her company recently relocated, says Sara in St. Louis, her department and several others were thrown together in a new office where the marketing group had already staked its claim.

“Marketing had tagged the soap they supplied in the bathroom because it was getting thrown away,” says Sara, “but when the other groups moved in they started tagging their products too.”

At this point, she says, “It’s getting a little awkward. I’m not in any of these departments — I just want to wash my hands.”

related: Everything in this drawer belongs to Elaine.

Courtney in Missouri was perusing the silent auction items at a political fundraiser she was attending when she noticed the bit sheet for a gift basket called “Pamper Yourself or Someone You Love.”  Although the basket was valued at $235 (the full amount, of which, of course, was going to the fundraiser) no one seemed to have the temerity to outbid the $100 bidder. I wonder why?

When she stopped back just before the end of the auction, Courtney says, “my repeated taking of pictures of the bidding sheet seem to have led the person in question to raise their bid to $125…without any reference to possibly terminal illnesses.”

Perhaps Carol rethought her “charitable” decision to gift the basket to someone with cancer. (Chemo-induced vomiting is bad enough, but foisting Eat, Pray, Love on someone? Now that’s just cruel.)

related: Playing the Holocaust card

So, you still haven’t tried “new taste of Domino’s Pizza,” despite the barrage of marketing dollars being spent encouraging you to do so?  Not to worry! I’ll save you the heartburn incurred by a certain food-filching WashU student and his victims.

Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls. (Oh, and to the Domino’s brand managers reading this: feel free to quote us on that!)

Explains Bridget in St. Louis: “There has been a quite nefarious food thief stealing from the dorm’s community refrigerator lately, and I should know, since my stuff has been taken too. There have been a couple of complaints posted to the fridge, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It was written on a napkin duct-taped to a pizza box that had been (rather hastily) stuffed in the refrigerator.”

related: My mum bought me that pizza!

extra credit: “New York Times Discovers New Trend: Bros Icing Bros” [gawker.com]

When someone starts hiding the formerly communal toilet paper, that’s typically the beginning of the end.

Exhibit a) From Liz in Brooklyn, New York: “My old roommate was a huge pain for a lot of reasons, but what really did it for me was when she would finish the roll of toilet paper and then hide the new roll in her room so only she could use it.” Before moving out, Liz left her roomie with this parting gift.

Exhibit b) From BK in Kansas City, Missouri: “My roommate wanted us to buy separate toilet paper because he thought I used a lot, which seemed kind of ridiculous to me. Then, when he ran out of toilet paper he would use mine. I took my toilet paper out of the bathroom so he couldn’t use it anymore. Then he wrote me a passive aggressive note saying I was passive-aggressive.”

Exhibit c) From LJ at Mississipi State University: “I have no idea why my roommate felt the need to hide the toilet paper  — it wasn’t like I was using it *excessively* or anything. A few days after this happened, we had to have a meeting mediated by the Residence Director, because they were pretty sure we were going to kill each other.”

related: I’m not here to wipe your dirty butt.

Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance

At college, more often than not, your sex life is everybody’s business. But don’t worry…it’s for your own good! For example, the writer of this first note (as spotted by Ashley at Missouri State) displays a heartwarming concern for her dorm-mate’s physical safety.

And as Vic and his friends at Arizona State’s Barrett Honors College discovered, a group calling themselves “the Gods of ASU” has even deeper concerns….the fate of your everlasting soul!!!

related: “I know that it’s really none of my business, but…I’m going to tell you what I think anyway.”

Writes Josh in St. Louis: “In our university’s paper, during the first semester, parents can send in notes for their kids away at college to read. Most parents put something sweet, happy, and uplifting — ‘We love you, good luck, hope you’re well,’ that kind of thing.”  Josh’s parents, meanwhile…

related: No money, no trophy

Writes Michael in St. Louis: “I’ve tried my best to figure out the logic behind writing this note and then putting the salami back in the fridge, rather than simply throwing it away…” but so far, no luck. In any case, he says, “I’m glad that it’s been saved it for posterity.”

related: Did you ever consider the possibility that…oh, never mind.

The manager of a Florida preschool seems to have a kindred spirit at a Missouri strip club, where our anonymous submitter spotted this note taped to a dressing-room mirror.

Personally, I like the idea of an junior-high-elective-style employment program. (Dance? Restaurant management? Government? You decide!)

related: happy to be of service

“Living with your parents while still in college has it’s benefits (saving money and all) but it also has its drawbacks,” writes Laura in Springfield, Missouri. Primarily…boundaries.

“My parents regularly grab my mail and put it in a compartment on a desk in our kitchen, which I don’t always check,” Laura explains. Sometime shortly after Christmas, Laura’s mother left her daughter a thank-you note. (An oddly formal gesture, but at least she didn’t actually lick a stamp and mail it first.)

The trouble arose several weeks later, when Mom discovered the note — still unopened — mixed in with Laura’s other mail. Her reaction? Another note, of course.

On that note…Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

related: I can has guilt trip?