Entries Tagged as 'Most Popular Notes'

Merry Christmas! God told me to dump you.

October 10th, 2010 · 69 Comments

Sara says her sister in Waxhaw, North Carolina stumbled upon this personal inscription at a rummage sale of donated books.

Here’s a synopsis: Basically, our writer Robert starts out by giving himself a gold star for selecting such an “interesting” Christmas gift, then lets Leah down easy with the old “God told me I could do better” excuse, and finally peaces out with “So…see ya on christianmingle.com!”

Why Leah would want to part with such a precious gem, I have no idea.

Dear Leah, This is a very interesting Christmas present! I hope you like it! I have prayed about us since our first date.  I think we should be friends and I hope that is the same the Lord told you. Our search for our life's companion [sic] continues...Robert

Dear Leah, This is a very interesting Christmas present! I hope you like it! I have prayed about us since our first date.  I think we should be friends and I hope that is the same the Lord told you. Our search for our life's companion [sic] continues...Robert

related: The “Next to Marry” List

Tags: breakup · Christmas · God · holiday spirit · most popular notes of 2010

That must be some damn good coffee…

October 5th, 2010 · 143 Comments

“I was walking by a local café and this two-page, handwritten rant stopped me in my tracks,” says our submitter in Montreal. “I was so disturbed I went home and returned immediately with my camera, just in case the owner suddenly got sane (or had some sense talked into him) and decided to take it down. This is someone who should clearly not be dealing with the public.”

Rule 3 (c): Once the transaction is complete and the owner has given you an opening you may engage in social chit-chat.

Rule 3(b) Remember, first things first you are here to buy coffee.

Rule 3 (c): Once the transaction is complete and the owner has given you an opening you may engage in social chit-chat.

related: The Sushi Nazi

Tags: "customer service" · Montreal · most popular notes of 2010 · now that's management · restaurant

What’s harder than changing the toilet paper roll?

September 30th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Well…lots of stuff.

You! Yeah you! Listen, you know what’s really difficult? Lots of stuff. For example:  • Running a marathon • Faking your own death • Trekking across the arctic tundra • Wrestling grizzly bears • Living to be 118 years old • Building a rocket ship • Flying a rocket ship • Breaking out of jail • Swallowing 10 light bulbs • Sharpening 3 pencils simultaneously  Most people wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t accomplish these tasks. They’re hard.  You know what’s not very difficult?  • Replacing the toilet paper roll  All you gotta do is look in that cupboard to your right. There’s a whole bunch of new rolls in there. If not, there’s more in the storage room by the kitchen.  If you’re having trouble with the dispenser, fear not. It’s actually a pretty simple feat to master. All you have to do is grip onto the cylinder and pull on it in a direction parallel to the wall. You’ll notice that due to the spring mechanism inside the cylinder, there is now a space in which the cylinder can be removed, thereby freeing it from the wall-mounted assembly. Now simply slide a new roll of toilet paper onto the cylinder and reverse the cylinder-removal process so that it is securely fastened to the wall assembly. The new roll should be able to spin freely on the cylinder, ready for the next person to use.

And yet, somehow, the employees at this office in Edmonton still can’t quite make TP happen. (Maybe wrestling grizzlies is more their forte?)

You! Yeah you! Listen, you know what’s really difficult? Lots of stuff. For example:  • Running a marathon • Faking your own death • Trekking across the arctic tundra • Wrestling grizzly bears • Living to be 118 years old • Building a rocket ship • Flying a rocket ship • Breaking out of jail • Swallowing 10 light bulbs • Sharpening 3 pencils simultaneously  Most people wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t accomplish these tasks. They’re hard.  You know what’s not very difficult?  • Replacing the toilet paper roll  All you gotta do is look in that cupboard to your right. There’s a whole bunch of new rolls in there. If not, there’s more in the storage room by the kitchen.  If you’re having trouble with the dispenser, fear not. It’s actually a pretty simple feat to master. All you have to do is grip onto the cylinder and pull on it in a direction parallel to the wall. You’ll notice that due to the spring mechanism inside the cylinder, there is now a space in which the cylinder can be removed, thereby freeing it from the wall-mounted assembly. Now simply slide a new roll of toilet paper onto the cylinder and reverse the cylinder-removal process so that it is securely fastened to the wall assembly. The new roll should be able to spin freely on the cylinder, ready for the next person to use.

Perhaps a visual aid (like this one from a Los Angeles apartment share) would be helpful?

Changing the toilet paper roll: a visual guide

Or maybe just a bit more encouragement would push someone over the edge?

Very good! Every day, you get me a little closer to where I belong. Love, T.P.

(Probably not, though.)

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance

Tags: bathroom · Edmonton · Los Angeles · most popular notes of 2010 · New York · signed with love · toilet paper · visual aids

The neighborhood warning wagon

September 28th, 2010 · 157 Comments

Upon moving into their new college house this fall, Danny and his roommates at Boston College received this delightfully punctuated welcome letter from their next door neighbor — delivered via U.S. Postal Service, no less.

I, for one, can’t wait ’til the Ben Affleck adaptation comes out. We’ll have a “late night beer party” to celebrate!

Welcome to our neighborhood, I just wanted to let you know, that your house has been over the years had really bad police reports on late nigh beer parties! (10 PM to almost all night) Please keep in mind that this neighborhood will not tolerate "late night parties" Which includes: yelling, talking loud on back porches and your back yard and loud friends that visit! Especially this Labor Day Weekend! I understand that you college kids like to drink and have fun, but! After 10 PM if noise is too loud, police will be called, there are alot of elderly, kids and families in this area that will not tolerate this bullshit! I know Bill Mills very well (BC College) and if you guys "act up"! Calls will be made! Please show some respect in our neighborhood and keep the noise level low! If not! Police will be called! Have a good school year and be good neighbors, ok?

(P.S.) THIS INCLUDES

related: Passive voice abuse

Tags: alot · beer · Boston · CAPS LOCK · college life · crazypants · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · high on highlighter · I'm telling on you! · kids today · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · noise · p.s. · passive voice · smiley · spelling and grammar police · unnecessary "quotation marks" · warning · You call that punctuation?

A clue that your whole “half-caf, extra hot, non-fat dressing-on-the-side” thing might be a bit much

September 23rd, 2010 · 94 Comments

“Perhaps I was a bit too particular about what I wanted when I ordered my salad at lunch,” admits Daniel in Seattle. “I found this when I pulled it out of my bag back at the office.”

1 Bitch Salad

And from the Athens, Ohio Dept. of Disgruntled Baristas

FUCK YOU

related: Have it your way, jerk

Tags: cranky barista · most popular notes of 2010 · Ohio · restaurant · Seattle

Motivational posters for a down economy

September 14th, 2010 · 79 Comments

In a recession, how companies harness the power of positive thinking can get a little twisted.

In Roanoke, Virginia, for example, Seth says “an uptight lady I used to work with — who almost certainly used to be a hall monitor — wrote this motivational quote in the windowless trailer I shared with about 20 coworkers and a vindictive, micromanaging boss.”

 Seth says

When he eventually got laid off,  Seth says, the company tried to get him to interview for a different position —  but those inspiring words on the whiteboard set him straight. “I decided that imagining myself without a paycheck was not enough to keep me coming back to that acre of hell.”

Elsewhere in Roanoke, meanwhile, kitchen staff at this restaurant/bar are greeted by these empowering words every time they trudge through the doors.

To the staff: if you cannot do your job, please feel free to find another one.

And of course, nothing can top this classic:

To All Employees: NEW INCENTIVE PLAN - WORK - OR GET FIRED!

related: “Popcorn Thursday,” and 100o other ways to reward employees besides giving raises.

Tags: fired · most popular notes of 2010 · now that's management · office · Virginia · whiteboard

All the news that’s fit to steal

September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments

“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”

But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate”  — remarkably well, actually!  (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)

Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:

NOTICE TO WELL-READ 1809 THEIF [sic]  I would be grateful if you cease snatching my copy of the New York Times. If not, I shall have to cancel my subscription, which will deny us both the application. -JSS

Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:

To the scumbag who keeps taking my New York Times as their own, I'm not impressed. you obviously are somewhat intelligent if you are inclined to read such a quality publication, but guess what dumbass,stealing is still wrong. I've paid for it and I'd like to read it. Kindly leave it here next time.

Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:

will the person who keeps stealing my times, please stop...we're neighbors here and i shouldn't have to worry about a theif [sic] in my home. if money is that tight buy the post. -stew

Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:

ATTENTION SECOND FLOOR: NEWSPAPER THIEF ON THE LOOSE!!! I am so sick of my goddamn newspaper getting stolen every FUCKING day. I'm hiring Angela Lansbury to find out who you are, and I swear to God, she'll go BATSHIT CRAZY on your ass. I've caught a newspaper thief once, and I'll do it again. EAT SHIT YOU STUPID BITCH!

Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”

As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.

Hey!! I've ordered the Wall Street Journal to be delivered here. Please stop taking it, or I'll break your fuckin' arms! Love, Harrison

Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”

And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.

related: Free markets, free people, free papers

extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]

Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing

My cat-shit crazy neighbor

September 2nd, 2010 · 163 Comments

Edie in Bellevue, Washington wasn’t too happy with the neighbor’s cat using her lawn as its personal toilet, so she finally asked the cat’s owner if she’d please clean it up. “She did,” Edie says, “but only after explaining that the cat poops on everyone’s lawn and no one else minds.” (After asking around the neighborhood, Edie found this to be only half-true.)

Little did they know that cat’s crap was practically worth its weight in friggin’ GOLD!!! One can only imagine the reactions of Edie and her similarly ungrateful neighbors when they finished reading the photocopied letter taped to their front doors. (First place? For three years running?? What fools we’ve all been!!!)

I know you like to complain about white kitty pooping in your yard...but he has won first place at the Average Cat Show the last three years running.
related: Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

extra credit: The Radiolab episode about Toxoplasma and crazy cat ladies

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cats · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · shit · Washington state

Things not to flush down the toilet: your hopes, your dreams…your sweaters

September 1st, 2010 · 60 Comments

Linda spotted this little work of artistic genius at Louie’s Cafe in Santa Fe, New Mexico:

Don't Flush: Tampons Maxi Pads Paper Towels Cigarette Butts One Night Stands Cellphones Condoms Love Letters Junk Mail Sweaters Socks Hopes Goldfish Dreams Diapers Make-up Wallets Maps Gum Poetry Babies Puppies  Your Ex

related: Please do not flush…anything.

Tags: all clogged up · most popular notes of 2010 · restaurant · toilet

That’s…actually a totally reasonable request

August 26th, 2010 · 51 Comments

What’s frightening, of course, is that these things needed to be stated in the first place.

ATTENTION: Please stop urinating on the door handle. Thank you!

Please do not vomit on door

Smearing your bodily fluids on the fixtures is not socially acceptable. Please stop and learn some proper hygiene.

(Thanks to Jill in Des Moines, James in the U.K., and Heather and Eric in New York for submitting…and the kid from The Squid and the Whale for the, uh, inspiration.)

related: Apparently every office has someone with an insatiable need to spread the contents of their nose on the wall


Tags: actually totally reasonable · bodily fluids · hygiene · most popular notes of 2010 · piss · vomit · WTF?