Entries Tagged as 'neighbors'

Toto, I have a feeling we’re not at band camp anymore

October 20th, 2010 · 126 Comments

Michael is a music teacher in New York, and one of his students, Aleks, a clarinet player with 15 years experience, recently moved to the city to start his master’s degree. “Coming from Ohio, he had no idea what he was getting into when practicing clarinet in his apartment in Queens,” says Michael. “Now he knows.”

Dear Friend, Take take the flute and shove it up your ass. You have NO talent. Give your neighbors a break. if not we are going to break your hand's [sic]

related: Buskers & broomsticks

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · most popular notes of 2010 · music · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · Queens

Risky Business

October 11th, 2010 · 73 Comments

Tremaine spotted this note posted in the lobby his Calgary apartment building. I like to imagine it the “lust” stop on Slothful Scotty‘s Seven Deadly Sins Tour.

Apartment 406: Stop calling escorts then not answering your door.

related: Yes, Scotty, this is why you’re fat.

Tags: actually totally reasonable · Calgary · neighbors · sex sex sex

>>Crushing<< is mostly the better term

October 7th, 2010 · 90 Comments

Paul has lived in his apartment in Berlin for 15 months, but this note is the first time he’s heard a single complaint about his door. Especially annoying, Paul says, is the fact that it’s anonymous, “even though it could possibly have been written by only one of two people,” and that it’s written in English, “which most expats would consider an insult.”

Just another example of how — no matter smiley faces you sprinkle throughout — your oh-so-courteous anonymous note is probably just going to leave everyone more “pi**ed off.”

Dear Neighbours, some people livin here , are really pi**ed about the way, you close your door, when coming/leaving. >>Closing<< is usually the wrong term to describe this. >>Crushing<< is mostly the better term. If your door is broken , let it repair from our beloved [redacted] or Repair it yourself or Use your key to close it in a way, not bothering your neighbors. ....and kindly give this info your visitors too ;-) Greetz & Peace

related: Wie bitte(r)?

extra credit: “Greetz” [urbandictionary.com]

Tags: Berlin · Clearly a non-native English speaker · comma diarrhea · door-slamming · neighbors · noise · opening/closing · pointlessly self-censored profanity · sad face · smiley

The neighborhood warning wagon

September 28th, 2010 · 157 Comments

Upon moving into their new college house this fall, Danny and his roommates at Boston College received this delightfully punctuated welcome letter from their next door neighbor — delivered via U.S. Postal Service, no less.

I, for one, can’t wait ’til the Ben Affleck adaptation comes out. We’ll have a “late night beer party” to celebrate!

Welcome to our neighborhood, I just wanted to let you know, that your house has been over the years had really bad police reports on late nigh beer parties! (10 PM to almost all night) Please keep in mind that this neighborhood will not tolerate "late night parties" Which includes: yelling, talking loud on back porches and your back yard and loud friends that visit! Especially this Labor Day Weekend! I understand that you college kids like to drink and have fun, but! After 10 PM if noise is too loud, police will be called, there are alot of elderly, kids and families in this area that will not tolerate this bullshit! I know Bill Mills very well (BC College) and if you guys "act up"! Calls will be made! Please show some respect in our neighborhood and keep the noise level low! If not! Police will be called! Have a good school year and be good neighbors, ok?

(P.S.) THIS INCLUDES

related: Passive voice abuse

Tags: alot · beer · Boston · CAPS LOCK · college life · crazypants · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · high on highlighter · I'm telling on you! · kids today · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · noise · p.s. · passive voice · smiley · spelling and grammar police · unnecessary "quotation marks" · warning · You call that punctuation?

You know, there’s a pretty simple solution to that problem…

September 26th, 2010 · 68 Comments

“My housemate sometimes gets paranoid that people like to watch us going about our day-to-day lives in our apartment,” says Elizabeth in Australia. And yet, instead of, say, window coverings, this note was how she decided to deal with the problem:

Mind your own business & look the other Way. yes! you!

related: Stop looking in our window, pervert!

Tags: Australia · MYOB · neighbors · privacy

How NOT to raise your neighborhood’s property values

September 19th, 2010 · 61 Comments

Tim lives in Northwest D.C., “at the front of the gentrification wave” flowing east from Dupont Circle. “We have (only) one rundown/uninhabited house on the block,” Tim says, “and this morning one of the other neighbors decided to mow the front lawn to tidy it’s appearance a bit.” While taking out the trash later that evening, Tim noticed that his neighbor’s good deed had been rewarded by this neighborly thank-you note.

Dear whoever mowed this lawm [sic], FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. If you're actually responsible for this property, clean up the fuck hobo shit laying around. The entrance to the cellar smells like 100% human feces. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES.

(As far as the smell goes…perhaps some people were under the same mistaken impression as those near this West Hollywood residence?)

This is a lawn, not a fucking diaper, thank you. Love, The people who live here

related: Gentrification is insanit(ar)y

Tags: D.C. · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · Los Angeles · odor · shit · signed with love · thanks (but not really) · that's disgusting · there goes the neighborhood

You’re (not) welcome!

September 16th, 2010 · 48 Comments

Okay, I’m totally calling bullshit on this note (spotted by Seth in the lobby of his Brooklyn apartment building).

If one of your neighbors knocked on your door and said, “Hey, so, I’ve been really needing a doormat….can I have yours?” —  would your response really be, “Well, since you asked…here you go!!”

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: IF YOU NEEDED A WELCOME MAT THAT BADLY YOU NEEDED ONLY TO ASK FOR IT. SHAME ON YOU FOR STEALING IT!!

Shame on you for being a bold-typefaced liar, notewriter!

related: Wrath mat

Tags: Brooklyn · CAPS LOCK · neighbors · stealing

All the news that’s fit to steal

September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments

“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”

But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate”  — remarkably well, actually!  (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)

Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:

NOTICE TO WELL-READ 1809 THEIF [sic]  I would be grateful if you cease snatching my copy of the New York Times. If not, I shall have to cancel my subscription, which will deny us both the application. -JSS

Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:

To the scumbag who keeps taking my New York Times as their own, I'm not impressed. you obviously are somewhat intelligent if you are inclined to read such a quality publication, but guess what dumbass,stealing is still wrong. I've paid for it and I'd like to read it. Kindly leave it here next time.

Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:

will the person who keeps stealing my times, please stop...we're neighbors here and i shouldn't have to worry about a theif [sic] in my home. if money is that tight buy the post. -stew

Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:

ATTENTION SECOND FLOOR: NEWSPAPER THIEF ON THE LOOSE!!! I am so sick of my goddamn newspaper getting stolen every FUCKING day. I'm hiring Angela Lansbury to find out who you are, and I swear to God, she'll go BATSHIT CRAZY on your ass. I've caught a newspaper thief once, and I'll do it again. EAT SHIT YOU STUPID BITCH!

Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”

As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.

Hey!! I've ordered the Wall Street Journal to be delivered here. Please stop taking it, or I'll break your fuckin' arms! Love, Harrison

Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”

And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.

related: Free markets, free people, free papers

extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]

Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing

Welcome to the neighborhood. You’re totally screwing it up.

September 9th, 2010 · 148 Comments

Shortly after moving to Columbus, Ohio, Julie received a welcome-wagon visit from her new neighbors…in the form of a post-it note stuck to the side of her motorcycle. Her bike, which was parked on the public city street across from her house, had apparently disrupted the neighborhood’s unofficial parking “regimin.”

“I complied with the rules of their little microcosm,” Julie says, “but I also turned the note into an overhead, which was a real gold mine for the rhetoric class I was teaching at Ohio State.”

Hi, Welcome to the Neighborhod [sic]! Just wanted to Let you know that we all have a parking regimin [sic] and your Bike is totally screwing it up!!! Please park it on your side of the St. as we all have only 2 spaces in front of our homes. Thank you soooo Much!

Adds Julie: “Incidentally, when parked perpendicularly, a motorcycle uses roughly 2.5 feet of street.”

related:  I shoveled this spot. IT’S MINE.

Tags: Columbus · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · irregular capitalization · motorcycles · neighbors · parking · spelling and grammar police

Paging Jane Goodall?

September 7th, 2010 · 62 Comments

If you’re looking for an opportunity to study the unique social behavior of primates, there’s a compound in Orlando, Florida you might be interested in visiting.

Consider the package below, which a female named Misty (and no, that’s not a pseudonymous nod to Dian Fossey) recently found outside her dwelling, #14302, apparently left there by the group of lower-ranking females residing directly below.

Here's some candy. Don't be mad.

As you’ve observed, Dr. Goodall, dominant female chimpanzees have been known to deliberately kill the young of other females in the troop in order to maintain their dominance, so perhaps the preemptive Heath-bar offering accompanying the plea for quiet was an intelligent move on the part of these lesser-ranked females.

I’m sure you’ll agree, however, that further scientific study is necessary before any conclusions are drawn.

related: Please get yourself some slippers.

Tags: candy · neighbors · noise · Orlando · visual aids