Entries Tagged as 'neighbors'

All the news that’s fit to steal

September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments

“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”

But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate”  — remarkably well, actually!  (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)

Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:

NOTICE TO WELL-READ 1809 THEIF [sic]  I would be grateful if you cease snatching my copy of the New York Times. If not, I shall have to cancel my subscription, which will deny us both the application. -JSS

Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:

To the scumbag who keeps taking my New York Times as their own, I'm not impressed. you obviously are somewhat intelligent if you are inclined to read such a quality publication, but guess what dumbass,stealing is still wrong. I've paid for it and I'd like to read it. Kindly leave it here next time.

Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:

will the person who keeps stealing my times, please stop...we're neighbors here and i shouldn't have to worry about a theif [sic] in my home. if money is that tight buy the post. -stew

Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:

ATTENTION SECOND FLOOR: NEWSPAPER THIEF ON THE LOOSE!!! I am so sick of my goddamn newspaper getting stolen every FUCKING day. I'm hiring Angela Lansbury to find out who you are, and I swear to God, she'll go BATSHIT CRAZY on your ass. I've caught a newspaper thief once, and I'll do it again. EAT SHIT YOU STUPID BITCH!

Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”

As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.

Hey!! I've ordered the Wall Street Journal to be delivered here. Please stop taking it, or I'll break your fuckin' arms! Love, Harrison

Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”

And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.

related: Free markets, free people, free papers

extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]

Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing

Welcome to the neighborhood. You’re totally screwing it up.

September 9th, 2010 · 148 Comments

Shortly after moving to Columbus, Ohio, Julie received a welcome-wagon visit from her new neighbors…in the form of a post-it note stuck to the side of her motorcycle. Her bike, which was parked on the public city street across from her house, had apparently disrupted the neighborhood’s unofficial parking “regimin.”

“I complied with the rules of their little microcosm,” Julie says, “but I also turned the note into an overhead, which was a real gold mine for the rhetoric class I was teaching at Ohio State.”

Hi, Welcome to the Neighborhod [sic]! Just wanted to Let you know that we all have a parking regimin [sic] and your Bike is totally screwing it up!!! Please park it on your side of the St. as we all have only 2 spaces in front of our homes. Thank you soooo Much!

Adds Julie: “Incidentally, when parked perpendicularly, a motorcycle uses roughly 2.5 feet of street.”

related:  I shoveled this spot. IT’S MINE.

Tags: Columbus · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · irregular capitalization · motorcycles · neighbors · parking · spelling and grammar police

Paging Jane Goodall?

September 7th, 2010 · 62 Comments

If you’re looking for an opportunity to study the unique social behavior of primates, there’s a compound in Orlando, Florida you might be interested in visiting.

Consider the package below, which a female named Misty (and no, that’s not a pseudonymous nod to Dian Fossey) recently found outside her dwelling, #14302, apparently left there by the group of lower-ranking females residing directly below.

Here's some candy. Don't be mad.

As you’ve observed, Dr. Goodall, dominant female chimpanzees have been known to deliberately kill the young of other females in the troop in order to maintain their dominance, so perhaps the preemptive Heath-bar offering accompanying the plea for quiet was an intelligent move on the part of these lesser-ranked females.

I’m sure you’ll agree, however, that further scientific study is necessary before any conclusions are drawn.

related: Please get yourself some slippers.

Tags: candy · neighbors · noise · Orlando · visual aids

My cat-shit crazy neighbor

September 2nd, 2010 · 163 Comments

Edie in Bellevue, Washington wasn’t too happy with the neighbor’s cat using her lawn as its personal toilet, so she finally asked the cat’s owner if she’d please clean it up. “She did,” Edie says, “but only after explaining that the cat poops on everyone’s lawn and no one else minds.” (After asking around the neighborhood, Edie found this to be only half-true.)

Little did they know that cat’s crap was practically worth its weight in friggin’ GOLD!!! One can only imagine the reactions of Edie and her similarly ungrateful neighbors when they finished reading the photocopied letter taped to their front doors. (First place? For three years running?? What fools we’ve all been!!!)

I know you like to complain about white kitty pooping in your yard...but he has won first place at the Average Cat Show the last three years running.
related: Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

extra credit: The Radiolab episode about Toxoplasma and crazy cat ladies

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cats · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · shit · Washington state

Excuse me, I’m here to file a restraining order on behalf of my house plant

July 20th, 2010 · 40 Comments

“My next-door neighbor has some problems with controlling her rage,” says Guy in Austin. So when the apartment manager wouldn’t force her upstairs neighbors to take down their bird feeder — on the grounds that the resulting bird crap from above constituted plant harassment — she wasn’t about to let the issue drop quietly.

I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.
I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.

Meanwhile, Lucas brings us this report of a uncontrollable botanophile on the loose at his office in Toronto.

Stop molesting my plant! (I can't help it, it feels so good!)

Tags: Austin · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · neighbors · rebuttals · smartass · Toronto

Fetch. Roll over. DON’T SIT.

July 14th, 2010 · 75 Comments

Amanda in Charlestown, Mass. lives in a three-story home with an apartment on each floor and a shared patio out back. “Our downstairs neighbor is notorious for leaving us notes  — ‘Don’t slam the door,’ ‘The patio is not a storage area,’ etc. — but this note topped them all,” Amanda says. ”Oh, and she clearly cannot spell.”

Just wanted to let you guys know that I bought all the furnature [sic] out back. It is not for you to use. Thanks [redacted]

related: Thank you for not using my grill again

Tags: Massachusetts · neighbors · nice stationery · sharing is caring · spelling and grammar police

Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?

July 12th, 2010 · 40 Comments

So, according to Susan and Amber, there’s a creeper on the loose in Orlando, Florida…one who has a penchant for peering in the bathroom windows of his female neighbors. (In this case, a window that some brilliant architect decided to position essentially in the shower.)

If you can read this, stop staring in our windows, PERVERT!

Of course, there’s always another side to the story.

Stop standing in front of the window naked, EXHIBITIONIST.

So, how ever could Susan and Amber resolve this tomato/tomahto dispute (aside from, you know, buying curtains)? Dr. Tobias Fünke, never-nude, to the rescue!

Dr. Tobias Fünke, never-nude, to the rescue!

related: Be more private with yourself

Tags: "up for debate" · neighbors · note wars · Orlando

Thinking outside the box

July 7th, 2010 · 86 Comments

“I have lived in my crappy building for over two years,” says our submitter from New York’s East Village. “It provides great entertainment, as we get a new set of notes built up on the wall every few months about issues such as people stealing Internet or the building smelling like cat pee. Then someone tears them down and we start over. (Though the building does usually smell of cat pee.)”

In the latest installment of note wars, the opening strike was launched by (she thinks) the building super.

Please do not put cardboard Boxes in Front of Building by Garbage. Leave in Hallway Lobby + Super will dispose properly.

Then some other anonymous apartment dweller threw in his or hew own (slightly flashier) take on the matter.

PLEASE REMOVE THIS CARD BOARD RECYCLING IS OUTSIDE. THIS NOT A DOOR-MAN BLDG.

And lastly…

These signs contradict one another. If we can't put the boxes outside and we can't put them in the hallway, where, may I ask, are we to put them? Thank you.

UPDATE: The box weighs in.

And as for that whole “New Yorkers are jerks” stereotype? This cardboard breakdown — spotted by Dianna in Santa Barbara, California — shows that when it comes to condescending rants, East Coasters don’t have a monopoly on rudeness.

For the person who placed this discard in the trash area! Everyone or rather most people sharing this facility are aware at the ELEMENTARY level (as per the sign on the gate) that YOU break the cardboard down and place it in the recycle container. CONCLUSION: People like you will have a visceral reaction as usual and neglect your personal responsibility. You are predictable. Trash personnel and recycle pick up people are not your lackys [sic] nor are your neighbors.

related: Stick this down your garbage chute

Tags: excessive underlining · irregular capitalization · neighbors · New York · note wars · recycling

Cock fight!

July 6th, 2010 · 121 Comments

A friend of Kent in San Diego lives in an unincorporated part of the country where raising backyard chickens is legal, despite how his neighbors might feel about it. And if this anonymous note is any indication, those neighbors’ feelings aren’t exactly baby-chick warm ‘n’ fuzzy. (But of course, there’s no way it’s passive-aggressive. Just neighborly concern. After all, it’s all about the children!!!)

In the interest of neighborly relations, I recommend that you get rid of the rooster. If you don't care about all of us that live near you who have to suffer while you collect the eggs, then maybe care about your family that is embarrassed by knowing what your neighbors are thinking. Thank you for your expeditious handling of this situation. Very sincerely, An affected neighbor

related: My neighbor starves his cows!

extra credit: Urban chicken farming — a burgeoning fake trend [Slate.com]

Tags: horses, cows, & chickens · neighbors · noise · San Diego

911? I’m calling to report a serious disturbance of my beauty sleep.

June 24th, 2010 · 159 Comments

“I mean, it sucks about your black eye and all, but HELLO — do you see these dark circles under MY eyes?”

This site has seen its share of tasteless notes, but…really? The mind boggles.

Domestic Violence isn't cool but neither is keeping us all awake at 2 A.M.! Please consider others! We hear you.

related: Don’t die; it’s expensive.

extra credit: When domestic violence erupts, what should a neighbor do? [AP]

Tags: a little insensitive · Calgary · neighbors · noise · WTF?