Entries Tagged as 'New York'

…and forgive us our trespasses

April 20th, 2009 · 162 Comments

Writes Kerry in Brooklyn: “I just moved into a new apartment, and they don’t have secured outside parking for bikes. My place is NYC-sized, so naturally I decided to lock one of my bikes to the banister right outside my door. Apparently that’s a big no-no in the building.”

Please Move Your Bike!!!

Meanwhile, Melanie in Newport, Rhode Island spotted this on the lawn of the Salvation Army in her neighborhood, adding “I, for one, certainly applaud whomever had the baguettes to do such a thing.”

STOP WASTING FOOD!

related: The first thing I did when I woke up

Tags: bicycle · bread · Brooklyn · food · neighbors

Wanna touch the baby?

April 6th, 2009 · 373 Comments

“My co-worker had a ‘meet our bundle of joy’ party in a common space of his apartment building,” says our anonymous submitter in New York City, and these notes were peppered throughout the space. ”Not only did I opt out of ‘touching’ their baby, I also passed on digging into the bowl of Ruffles.”

Wanna touch the baby? Please use this on your hands first.

Meanwhile, as Carson in Atlanta points out, someone else has channeled that parental germaphobia into a bona fide business!

wanna touch the baby?

related: this is all about the childern

extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Soap

Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · hygiene · Moms & Dads · New York

A disgrace to all other encyclopedias of action figures

April 1st, 2009 · 81 Comments

Editor’s note: Eric has been trying to get me to post this note for almost a year now, and I’m usually all, “but it’s not, you know, real!” and he’s all, “but it’s real(ly) funny!” (A point I had to concede). And so, in honor of April 1 (a.k.a. Ninja Note Day on PAN) I’m offering this note amnesty. —Kerry

Writes our anonymous submitter from Dayton, Ohio: “Sent by what appears to be a group of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle aficionados*, this letter was received last year after the somewhat eccentric and always-crazy editor of a small toy magazine erroneously described one of the characters as an ‘evil enemy rat.’”

Dear Tomart, First of all: fuck you. What your Encyclopedia of Action Figures has done on page 282 is a disgrace to all other encyclopedias of action figures. To portray Splinter, the stoic sensei that coalesced the mutant turtles' angst and talent into an unstoppable ninja force for good, as the turtles'

*We had our crack research staff (read: Google) look into the authors’ identities, and the results were shocking: the letter was written by then-interns at The Onion, and sent from the publication’s New York offices.

related: On jamming

Tags: fuck fuckity fuck fuck · New York · that's irresponsible

With an extra side-helping of spite

March 26th, 2009 · 127 Comments

The village of Irvington, New York, Aaron explains, is a quiet suburb of the Big Apple in Westchester County. “iI’s got one main drag, conveniently named Main Street, where all the major businesses are located,” he says. One day, ” a public services vehicle pulled up too far on the sidewalk for the local Italian deli owner to put up his lunchtime sandwich board.” The result? well, the daily specials had to go somewhere.

WED MENU: Pastrami, Chicken Parm, Meatballs, Chicken Noodle Soup

related: How Berkeley

Tags: New York · parking · restaurant

You seem like really nice people.

February 19th, 2009 · 155 Comments

Lately, our anonymous submitter in New York has been going to the HousingWorks cafe to study for the bar exam. Because tables near electrical outlets are hot commodities, for the past few days she’s ended up sharing a table with the same “over-the-hill dude.”

Our submitter knows her table-sharing etiquette: “I always keep the table free of clutter and I don’t chat loudly,” she says. Yesterday, however, while catching up with a friend who dropped by the cafe, her tablemate interrupted to hand her this note, said, “This is for you,” and left.

You two seem like really nice people. You really do. But please don't sit with me every again. Thank you.

Adds our submitter: “I don’t know which is more irritating, the fact that this douchebag told me not to ever sit with him again, or that that he felt the need to write it down and couch it in oh-so-polite phrases.”

related: An official declaration of the silent treatment

Tags: New York · the big "but"

Cat fight!

January 24th, 2009 · 268 Comments

One night last summer, Sylvia in New York was just chillin’ out watching TV, when she noticed a cat had wandered through the open window. Sylvia, an animal-lover, assumed he was a stray (he didn’t have a collar), and because “he was super cute and affectionate,” she says, “we let him stay a little while. he decided to make himself comfortable and fell asleep.”

The cat was gone by morning, but a few days later, Sylvia saw the same feline running down the sidewalk outside her apartment. Not wanting the poor kitty to get hit by a car or picked up by animal control, Sylvia scooped him up and brought him inside.

“I was going to ask around and see if anyone nearby owned him,” she says, but her neighbor beat her to the punch. “She knocked on our door and explained that an employee at the nail salon downstairs had seen me take him inside, and I told her I thought he was a stray. The woman seemed okay, took the cat, and I thought that was the end of it.”

The neighbor, it seems, thought otherwise.

3rd Floor Chinese Girl: Please do not just "take" my cat to your apartment without asking. Thanks lot!!!

related: A new tagline for the price is right?

Tags: cats · neighbors · New York · thanks (but not really)

Mean boys

January 22nd, 2009 · 159 Comments

Our anonymous submitter in Brooklyn received this e-mail from his 28-year-old male roommate after purchasing a similar (not identical) blue toggle pea coat. “We are rarely out of the apartment together,” our submitter notes. Hmm, wonder why?

Hey, so i wanna get something off my chest. I know it's a little silly, but it really bugs me that you bought the same coat as I did. for some reason it's really gotten under my skin and it's probably made me a bit of a jerk over the past few days. you mentioned that it's the same as those shoes - but i don't really see it that way. i asked you before i bought those shoes. first. and second, they were work shoes. there was very little chance of us wearing them at the same time. i'll take back the coat, which, to be honest, sort of upsets me, but i guess i'll have to get over it. so, anyway, i guess i just wanted to say that...before i got any meaner.

related: Gossip Boy

Tags: attire · Brooklyn · e-mail · frenemies · martyr complex · roommates

Sincerely, disappointed

November 20th, 2008 · 126 Comments

Our anonymous submitter says this display is just one of many microwave missives his coworker has created. “Someone tore it down and threw it on the floor once,” he says, “but she put it back up, laminated with heavy-duty tape.”

WHOEVER HAD THE GENIUS IDEA TO BLOW UP PAPER, OR WHATEVER YOU USED, IN THE MICROWAVE AND DIDN'T CLEAN IT UP, KUDOS TO YOU AND YOUR SLOPPY BEHAVIOR. I'M ASSUMING YOU LIVE EXACTLY LIKE A PIG.

WEBSTER'S DEFINITION OF CLEAN: 1. Free from dirt; unsoiled; unstained 2. Free from foreign or extraneous matter 3. Habitually free of dirt WEBSTER'S DEFINITION OF CLEANLINESS: Neat, immaculate, clean, clear, pure refer to freedom from soiling, flaw, stain or mixture

And of course, the art-imitating-life inspiration for this post: Pam Beesly.

To whoever made the microwave mess: The microwave is a SHARED kitchen appliance.  By not cleaning it up, you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, Disappointed

To whoever made the microwave mess: The microwave is a SHARED kitchen appliance.  By not cleaning it up, you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, Disappointed

Hey anonymous Coward who left the note: Be a Man. Spend less time writing notes and more time cleaning up the microwave.

related: To each his own microwave

extra credit: The Office: “Frame Toby”

Tags: CAPS LOCK · cleaning · fiction · high on highlighter · microwave · most popular notes of 2008 · New York · not-so-veiled threats · obnoxious definition · office · spelling and grammar police

The most disgusting thing

October 30th, 2008 · 123 Comments

Says filly in New York: “I think it’s safe the assume the writer is neither a) an English major or b) a feminist.”

The most disgusting thing is a nasty lady!!!! How can you use the bathroom and not clean after yourself!!!! Be hygenical [sic] and consider others!!!! Do yourself and the rest of us a favor. Clean up after yourself, you are not at home!!!!!!!!

related: more from the frontlines of post-post feminism

Tags: bathroom · CAPS LOCK · college life · exclamation-point happy!!!! · hygiene · most popular notes of 2008 · New York · office · spelling and grammar police · that's disgusting · toilet

Lean Cuisine

October 23rd, 2008 · 83 Comments

From Sasha in New York: evidence that the financial crisis has begun to trickle down to Joe Six-Pack.

I know the DOW just dropped 600 pts. But PLEASE don't eat that are NOT YOURS.

related: Desperate Times

Tags: college life · money · New York · office · stealing · thx