Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'

Greetings from the Polar Vortex

January 8th, 2014 · 126 Comments

Writes Steve in Boston: “This note cracks me up because it is, on the one hand, a request for more civility and, on the other hand, a not so thinly veiled threat.” (How so very Boston!)

By City of Boston law, I am entitled to save this spent after having spent an hour of backbreaking work shoveling. I hope you with respect your neighbors next time, you piece of shit. Love, Vigilante Justice P.S. Happy Holidays!

related: Can you dig it?

extra credit: Boston’s “parking chair” law [washingtonpost.com]

Tags: Boston · not-so-veiled threats · p.s. · parking

The mystery of the mischievous, murderous cat

October 16th, 2013 · 77 Comments

Toby in the U.K. found this note taped to his front door, and found it a bit baffling — not to mention disturbing — given that he doesn’t own a cat. “I can only imagine what these ‘defensive measures’ might be,” Toby says. “I hope the cat in question can avoid them.”

And when it comes to the idea of “disciplining” your cat, I can’t even imagine what that might mean.

(just click the image below to enlarge)

Dear Neighbour,  Please can you stop your cat coming into my house. I have to leave my cat flap open for my cat but your cat is causing lots of mischeif. It is a black long haired cat I have seen you feeding him so I know he is your cat. She has already pooped on my rug which cost £50 (and another £30 to clean) and last week he was trying to murder the goldfish in my pond. Please discipline your cat or I will be forced to take defensive measures, and it would be better for all concerned if it does not come to that.  With Kind Regards, Howard  (From No. 32, the house with the blue door)

related: Your cat. Your choice.

Tags: cats · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · questionable logic · U.K.

My bowels are irritable, and so am I!

October 3rd, 2013 · 32 Comments

Writes our submitter in Alabama: “After the both men’s rooms in our office suffered from some serious anal explosions, our boss sent around an accusatory email,” which everyone in the office assumed was directed toward a particular coworker, Dan. “Dan vehemently maintains his innocence,” our submitter says, “and in an effort to ‘prove’ it, he posted this note above one of the desecrated toilets.”

IF YOU CLOG UP THIS TOILET AND DO NOT UNCLOG IT, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, AND PUT THE  DIRTY PLUNGER ON YOUR DESK.  I'M TIRED OF TAKING SHIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT. -DAN

related: A diarrhea-only toilet?

Tags: all clogged up · not-so-veiled threats · office · shit · toilet

Grandma, this is not your house!

October 2nd, 2013 · 78 Comments

Precious in Texas says that whenever her mother comes over to visit, “all she wants to do is clean my messy house.” One day, Precious says, her daughter, Allison — along with Allison’s 5-year-old cousin — decided to take matters into their own hands, writing this warning and handing it to their grandma “fast mail.” As for Grandma’s response, says Precious, “I had to read it to her because she was laughing so hard.”

Dear grandma this is not your house so stop cleaning it or else we will lock you in a safe and open it the day after. Did you like my [choice] of fast mail? P.S. Send the envelope back I don't have many

related: Never put nature aside for television

Tags: cleaning · family · Grandma · kids · not-so-veiled threats · p.s.

Your cat. Your choice.

July 25th, 2013 · 240 Comments

Submission-wise, it’s been a slow week. So, hey, why not open the can of worms that is The Great Outdoor Cat Debate? (Eeek.)

Amy says her Atlanta neighborhood is constantly plastered with “missing cat” signs. This one, though, was a little different.

If you own a gray tabby cat with a collar, read this. Your cat is spending its days in my backyard. I have bird feeders and there are chipmunks around. When I try to be nice to the cat to be able to read its collar and find out where its home is, it hisses and growls. This is fair warning. The next time I see your cat in my backyard, I will throw something heavy at it. I have pretty good aim. So if you don't want a vet bill, keep your cat indoors. If it kills a bird at one of my feeders, I will hire someone to catch it and take it to animal control. Your cat. Your choice.

related: Barking Mad

Tags: Atlanta · cats · most popular notes of 2013 · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · warning

Not cool, man. Not cool.

July 15th, 2013 · 76 Comments

Explains our submitter in Maryland: “Housemate is pregnant. She doesn’t like it when we leave the AC on.” (Ya think?)

I will straight up MURDER the next person who uses "Cool" and "Fan" together. STOP IT!

related: The womb that would birth a thousand excuses

Tags: die bitch die · Maryland · preggers · roommates · temperature

With some fava beans and a nice Chianti

June 9th, 2013 · 24 Comments

“It would appear my co-worker is sensitive to her plant being moved,” writes Claire in the U.K.

Move this plant and i will eat your liver. Love Jess xx

Meanwhile, in New York…

To the person that leaves a disgusting mess on the seat. If you don't stop, this person will find you and eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. So cut it out!

And in Baltimore…

PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH This is BBQ HUMAN meat and by eating this you are admitting to the office that you are a cannibal

related: Pigs do not eat bacon

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · moving/not moving · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · toilet

I know who’s not getting a merit badge for sharing…

February 27th, 2013 · 84 Comments

Now that Girl Scout cookie season has ended — here in Texas, anyway — shit’s starting to get real.

i know how many are in each box exactly...you eat. you die. ;) have a great day! ? cc

related: Killer cookie dough

Tags: die bitch die · food · heart · most popular notes of 2013 · sharing is caring

The female of the species

February 13th, 2013 · 31 Comments

All alone this Valentine’s Day? Well…more Cheetos for you!

Dear Brodie, If you forget to put an elastic band or bag clip on the crackers again, I will strangle you in your sleep. Love, Kelsey xoxo

 

Dear sweet sweet AJ, Drink all of my Sprite again and I'll rip your f*cking head off. xoxo, E

(Thanks to Brodie in Nova Scotia and redditor ajbollom. May they rest in peace.)

related: That’s just [sic]

Tags: heart · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · xoxo

A Warning Chime

February 6th, 2013 · 118 Comments

Adriana in Playa Del Rey, California said her husband found this note from a non-wind chime enthusiast taped to their outside of their condo building. “I personally love all the exclamation points,” Adriana says — “especially the cheery ‘thanks!’ at the bottom.”

CHIMES. Third Floor Front Over the Garage. People have lived here 10-20 years but now have to hear your chimes all day and night! Take them down or we will get a class action lawsuit against you and the Homeowners association! We can't stand it anymore! Have consideration or we will see you in court and get a court order! Thanks!

related: Hello, 911? My neighbors are loud walkers!

Tags: California · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats