Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'

It’s not funny, it’s my sandwich

December 5th, 2007 · 138 Comments

Joe in Northern Virginia has amassed a pretty divine collection of office fridge notes over the years, the best of which portend various forms of karmic/economic/physical retribution.

IT's not funny! It's not a joke! It's STEALING...and it could cost you your job! Please be sure that you don't "accidentally" eat someone else's food!

BEWARE One of your coworkers is a thief and so completely lazy that they stole my sandwich. They stole a HOMEMADE sandwich. Who steals food in the first place? And honestly, who steals a non-packaged product? Do you really want something someone else handled? From now on, I suggest everyone sneezes on and profusely licks their food prior to bringing it to work. I know I will.

The the ignorant person who stole my lunch between yesterday and today: I just wanted to let you know that I have strep throat and you'll notice I had partially eaten the food. Don't be surprised if you get sick.

related: It must have been a pretty big bite

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · ellipses-crazed · food · karma's a bitch · licking · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · Reston · stealing · Virginia

I’ve got my eye on you

November 27th, 2007 · 135 Comments

Laura spotted this punchline of a note (“you know it’s time to move out when…”) at her apartment building in downtown Brooklyn. Or rather, her former apartment building. It’s unclear whether the note-leaver was motivated by recent research suggesting that pictures of eyes may deter crime.

Attn: To the Ass-hole who keeps breaking & entering this building to steal the locks off the doors, you will be caught.

Meanwhile, Kim in Worcester, Massachusetts spotted a convenience store taking a similarly whimsical approach to theft prevention.

Did you know? Stealing is a crime. When we catch you we will call the police and have you arrested. We are watching you and so are the camera's [sic]. Say cheese!

Tags: apostrophe abuse · Brooklyn · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · Massachusetts · more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · the po-po · Worcester

“If it wasn’t for the toilet, there would be no books”

November 21st, 2007 · 117 Comments

Reading in the bathroom is one thing…but kicking back with a purloined Snapple? Tbat’s one step too far for this food service establishment, as spotted by Jenny in Washington, D.C.

*Attention Customers* Recently we have experienced customers stealing drinks and consuming them in our bathroom. We kindly ask that you stop this as we do not tolerate stealers in our store. If this continues to proceed, right course of action will be taken to stop this violation immediately. Thank you.

You gotta love that passive voice! Any kindly guesses re: the crossed-out word?

Tags: "customer service" · bathroom · high on highlighter · not-so-veiled threats · passive voice · restaurant · stealing

Be informed, Homeland Security will be

November 6th, 2007 · 197 Comments

PES picked this note out of an apartment building in Newark, New Jersey in 2004 because he loved the third paragraph, which is oh-so-amazing. Add in the peculiar diction and the glorious redundancy of it all, and you’ve got one fucking delicious note.

be informed, homeland security will be

related: Your to lazy

extra credit: For more deliciousness, be sure to check out the stop-motion shorts at eatpes.com.

Tags: CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · garbage · gloriously redundant · graffiti · landlords and property managers · loitering · most popular notes of 2007 · New Jersey · Newark · not-so-veiled threats · questionable logic · shameless meme-mongering · smoking · vandalism

Wake me up? Wham!

October 30th, 2007 · 248 Comments

Bradley in New York woke up yesterday to find this little love note from his girlfriend. (His explanation? “She’s a light sleeper.”) I feel her pain. If there’s a sound more irritating than a Nokia ring tone, the pathetic “I’m dying” whine of an out-of-juice cell phone just might be it.

no excuse

Meanwhile, Chris’s friend Michelle doesn’t appreciate having her beauty rest disturbed, either…

no joke

Tags: cell phone · more aggressive than passive · New York · noise · not-so-veiled threats · San Jose · sig o · signed with love

Come get some

October 26th, 2007 · 148 Comments

Lisa in Berkeley says she was doing laundry in her dorm building when someone pointed out this amazing note to her. “According to that person, who knew the note-poster through a friend, ‘The towels were actually nice. They were from Kohl’s or something.’”

I just want whoever stole my fucking towels last night, btwn the hours of 3 and 8 am, to know that u deserve to die for that shit, its [sic] trifling, and disgusting. I wiped btwn my legs with those towels! U are nasty. Please know that if either I or my roommate notice our towels in your load one day, and [sic] ass kicking will surely follow. 4th floor Slottman residents, come get some.

Lisa says the note has since been taken down. “I guess either an RA got to it, or someone got a beating.”

Tags: Berkeley · California · college life · Comic Sans Alert · comma diarrhea · die bitch die · laundry · not-so-veiled threats · RA · spelling and grammar police · stealing · that's disgusting · TMI · towels

Your to lazy

October 15th, 2007 · 178 Comments

Those troublemakers requesting more crazy apartment notes can thank our anonymous submitter (a GM at a property management firm in Springfield, Missouri) for today’s masterpiece. “One of our resident managers delivered this letter to 115 units at her property, then e-mailed me a copy because she was REALLY proud of it,” our submitter writes. “I got halfway through and realized I had to send it to you.”

IT'S FALL! HERE ARE A FEW UPDATES AND SEVERAL COMPLAINTS!

this no the ghetto

more surprises

Now, for the complaints…

Tags: cleaning · dogs · exclamation-point happy!!!! · garbage · irregular capitalization · itemized list · landlords and property managers · Missouri · more like crazy · music · noise · not-so-veiled threats · parking · rhetorical question · smoking · spelling and grammar police · TL;DR · vandalism · your/you're

Nice move

October 4th, 2007 · 88 Comments

Long-simmering roommate issues comes to a head in Toronto

(Green ink is being kicked out by black ink.)

If you come into my room one more time or touch my shit I will call the landlord/tennant [sic] board on you.

related: I can’t stand this shit anymore.

Tags: drugs · excessive underlining · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · roommates · smiley · spelling and grammar police · Toronto · touching

Losing Lisa

October 3rd, 2007 · 156 Comments

Gina from Santa Cruz lives in a dorm where ten girls share one bathroom. Says gina, “I love saga notes, and feel we need some more of them, so I figured this collection would certainly do the trick.” Indeed, Gina, indeed! The progression here from pleasantries and smileys to — well, you’ll see — is classic. And a webmd.com citation? Major bonus points.

Dear girls

dear nasty motherfucker

body hair is unsanitary

This floor is home to PIGS

Gina also sent in a (small-ish) photo of the whole scene.

UPDATE: Gina responds to team fake!

related: I think it’s going to be a long long time

Tags: "helpful" advice · all clogged up · bathroom · college life · die bitch die · eww · excessive underlining · internet citation · It's science! · mean girls · more aggressive than passive · most popular notes of 2007 · not-so-veiled threats · note wars · rebuttals · saga · Santa Cruz · shower · smiley · that's disgusting · that's unsanitary

Just in case you didn’t catch the sarcasm…

September 26th, 2007 · 94 Comments

Sounds like somebody in this Seattle office is havin’ a little ‘roid rage.

If you are going to drink my muscle milk, why dont you go ahead and drink all, there is no point to drink part of it and leave behind about 1/3 of the bottle...  IN OTHER WORDS...DON'T DRINK IT!, BUT I WILL FIND OUT WHO DRINK IT WHEN I SEE YOU ACTING STRANGE...read the content before u become steril.....thanks.

What’s Muscle Milk, you ask? Well, say its makers, “Muscle Milk is arguably America’s favorite protein.” Apparently because unlike, say, chicken, Muscle Milk comes in flavors like “egg nog,” “chocolate banana crunch” and “root beer float.”

related: Try a bite

Tags: all-staff e-mail · CAPS LOCK · Comic Sans Alert · ellipses-crazed · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · sarcasm · Seattle · spelling and grammar police · stealing