Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'
After a night of heavy drinking, Dani in Baltimore woke up with a killer hangover that turned positively murderous when she noticed that her bottle of Gatorade — which she’d been saving in anticipation of her post-hangover re-hydration needs — was missing from the fridge.
Assuming her husband must have taken it, Dani quickly dashed off this exclamation-point-heavy tirade (which, of course, is “passive” only in the sense that she chose to sit down at the keyboard instead of going straight for the butcher knife).
A few hours later, however, says Dani, “I remembered that I had actually drunkenly finished the bottle of Gatorade the night before, in an attempt to avoid said hangover. Oops!”
I’m hoping this little “oops” was a come-to-Jesus moment for Dani that showed her the error of note-writing ways, but if not…well, Dani’s husband: consider yourself warned. Because seriously, this is America, not another planet!
related: You are on Uncle Paul’s list!
Tags: drizzunk · exclamation-point happy!!!! · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · questionable logic · sig o
Just in case you were still under the impression that leaving an anonymous note will somehow allow you to maintain the moral high ground, take a look at this classic neighborly exchange from Drew‘s apartment building in Atlanta.
related: I hope your cat chokes
Tags: Atlanta · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · obnoxious definition · oh snap · rebuttals · TL;DR
Apparently, your mother does work at the Clemson University computer lab. Now take some responsibility for yourself, child!
related: These yogurts are expired. What should we do?
Tags: CAPS LOCK · college life · not-so-veiled threats · oh snap · rebuttals · South Carolina · stealing
Matt, a law student in Boston, surmises that this note posted in the school’s student lounge was written by non-native English speaker — “the other possibility being that the stress of exams has eaten away at his ability to write coherently.” But what’s curious about this note isn’t the spelling and grammar so much as the the variety and specificity of immediate punishments that are promised within.
“For example,” asks Matt: “Will the food choke the perpetrator, or will Frank be the choker? How will the burns be administered to the sleeper?” And so on. ”In any case,” he adds, “at least the various threatened deaths won’t be drawn out. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, there is no ‘video record’ of the refrigerator.)”
related: Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the dardnest threats!
Tags: Boston · Clearly a non-native English speaker · die bitch die · food · lawyers & law students · not-so-veiled threats · p.s.
Shortly after moving in to her new place in Minneapolis, Emily was greeted by this example of that famous “Minnesota Nice“ on a neighbor’s door.
related: Your are welcome to our home
Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · irregular capitalization · Minneapolis/St. Paul · Minnesota · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · shoes · spelling and grammar police
Michael is a music teacher in New York, and one of his students, Aleks, a clarinet player with 15 years experience, recently moved to the city to start his master’s degree. “Coming from Ohio, he had no idea what he was getting into when practicing clarinet in his apartment in Queens,” says Michael. “Now he knows.”
related: Buskers & broomsticks
Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · most popular notes of 2010 · music · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · Queens
Leslie in Wilmington, North Carolina says her baby sister has “always been pretty intense.” To wit: while going through some old papers recently, she dug up this card, which her then-10-year-old sister sent to Leslie’s boyfriend at the time.
(I’d like to think that beneath that thin layer of Liquid Paper lies an even more specific accusation, but baby sis’ decided that a more veiled threat would be the best way to scare Jon straight.)
related: Let the rest of us eat cake.
Tags: birthday · not-so-veiled threats · siblings · Wilmington
September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments
“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”
But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate” — remarkably well, actually! (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)
Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:
Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:
Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:
Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:
Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”
As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.
Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”
And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.
related: Free markets, free people, free papers
extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]
Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing
Frustrated by fridge thieves who continually ignore your polite (or not-so-polite) requests to keep their paws to themselves? Don’t get mad — get creative! You could end up with something so crazy it might actually work…that is, if it doesn’t totally backfire.
You could go for the classic bluff, with the hopes that you’ll inspire just enough self-doubt to encourage the thief to go for the next lunch bag over.
Or you could hold out hope that the thief in question is either very lazy, very stupid…
…or that he or she appreciates your twisted sense of humor enough to take mercy on your pathetic self.
Or you could just bring this for lunch. (Somehow, I think this would have been safe, even without the note.)
Thanks to Theresa in Birmingham, Alabama; Stacey in Manchester, New Hampshire; Alissa in Memphis, Tennessee; and Marianne in Dublin, Ireland for submitting!
related: That’s breastmilk!
Tags: beverages · cheese · fish · food · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing · tea · water
For the folks who found yesterday’s “do not come in” post a bit too “kids say the darndest things” precious, I figured I’d better even things out with a look at what happens when those neglected jealous siblings grow up…and get armed.
Exhibit A, spotted by Heather at a gas station in Gastonia, North Carolina
Exhibit B, which Steve found pinned to a tree in Athens, Ohio (where, while visiting friends, he stumbled upon the property of the local necrophiliac farmer)
And lastly, Exhibit C, spotted by Dex outside a “fairly dilapidated” house in Raleigh, North Carolina
related: The right to bear fruit
Tags: crazypants · die bitch die · gas station · more aggressive than passive · North Carolina · not-so-veiled threats · Ohio · signed with love · xoxo