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Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'

Haterade on the Rocks, with a twist

January 26th, 2011 · 133 Comments

After a night of heavy drinking, Dani in Baltimore woke up with a killer hangover that turned positively murderous when she noticed that her bottle of Gatorade — which she’d been saving in anticipation of her post-hangover re-hydration needs — was missing from the fridge.

Assuming her husband must have taken it, Dani quickly dashed off this exclamation-point-heavy tirade (which, of course, is “passive” only in the sense that she chose to sit down at the keyboard instead of going straight for the butcher knife).

A few hours later, however, says Dani, “I remembered that I had actually drunkenly finished the bottle of Gatorade the night before, in an attempt to avoid said hangover. Oops!”

Why the fuck are you continuing to steal my god damn Gatorade!!!!!!!!!! This is America, not another planet! And just because I write my name on the unopened bottle of Gatorade that is mine does not somehow mean that the open bottle that I've already drank part of is no longer mine!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!! If you do it again, so help me God I will CHOP YOUR BALLS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m  hoping this little “oops” was a come-to-Jesus moment for Dani that showed her the error of note-writing ways, but if not…well, Dani’s husband: consider yourself warned. Because seriously, this is America, not another planet!

related: You are on Uncle Paul’s list!

Tags: drizzunk · exclamation-point happy!!!! · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · questionable logic · sig o

Take a moment and look up the word RUDE.

January 6th, 2011 · 76 Comments

Just in case you were still under the impression that leaving an anonymous note will somehow allow you to maintain the moral high ground, take a look at this classic neighborly exchange from Drew‘s apartment building in Atlanta.

I have never been in your apartment and I doubt I ever will be. However, I think I would be correct in saying you have at least one bookcase. Within that selection of books, there is probably a dictionary. Take a moment and look up the word RUDE. If you do or if you already know the meaning of the world, you should know then that this describes YOU! Your radio or television wakes me up practically every morning at 5:30 and there are several nights it played late at night. I don't appreciate it and if it continues, I will take action which will not be favorable - talking to the apartment office. Thus, consider this a one time warning. I never thought anyone would be some thoughtless or rude as you but maybe you have never tried to improve on this undesired behavior. You better start before it becomes too late!

Drop the passive-aggressive posture and simply be an adult and ask next time!

related: I hope your cat chokes

Tags: Atlanta · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · obnoxious definition · oh snap · rebuttals · TL;DR

Mom, my flash drive is missing!

December 22nd, 2010 · 27 Comments

Apparently, your mother does work at the Clemson University computer lab. Now take some responsibility for yourself, child!

Whoever took my flash drive please turn it in to the sociology office. If any information is duplicated there will be [No] Consequences! [RESPONSE:] Attention students: Please stop leaving your flash drives lying around

related: These yogurts are expired. What should we do?

Tags: CAPS LOCK · college life · not-so-veiled threats · oh snap · rebuttals · South Carolina · stealing

The Ring 3: Death by Sandwich

December 7th, 2010 · 86 Comments

Matt, a law student in Boston, surmises that this note posted in the school’s student lounge was written by non-native English speaker  — “the other possibility being that the stress of exams has eaten away at his ability to write coherently.” But what’s curious about this note isn’t the spelling and grammar so much as the the variety and specificity of immediate punishments that are promised within.

“For example,” asks Matt: “Will the food choke the perpetrator, or will Frank be the choker?  How will the burns be administered to the sleeper?” And so on. ”In any case,” he adds, “at least the various threatened deaths won’t be drawn out. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, there is no ‘video record’ of the refrigerator.)”

To the asshole who stole my food this Friday between 12:00 pm - 5:00 pm on the first floor: Go to hell! You bastard! You're son of bitch! You're a jerk! You make me sick! I hate you! You will die soon! When you get out of this door, you will be hit by a car and die immediately! When you eating food, you will get choked and die immediately! When you sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately! My food has been stolen more than 5 times since last semester. I'm not going to put up with this! I'm telling you for the last time! Don't do this again! Because I'm going to check the video record and You are dead meat!  PS: People please pay attention, thief is around us! When you get him, you must kick his ass!

related: Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the dardnest threats!

Tags: Boston · Clearly a non-native English speaker · die bitch die · food · lawyers & law students · not-so-veiled threats · p.s.

What happens when you push “Minnesota Nice” one muddy step too far?

November 14th, 2010 · 81 Comments

Shortly after moving in to her new place in Minneapolis, Emily was greeted by this example of that famous “Minnesota Nice“ on a neighbor’s door.

Remove shoes before enter my place or else you will have some promblems with me. That goes for whoever whatever. Or else you won't be comming in here. And if I see any footprint mudd on my rug. I will snapout. believe that am tired of being nice to people

Remove your shoes. Or else you won't be cumming in my house. thats goes for whoever. if you don't remove your shoe's before enter my house or you ill have a promblem with me. and you will be getting my carpet clean. and the next bad as kid or whoever rip my sign off my door i will whoop there ass. I don't care who you is.

related: Your are welcome to our home

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · irregular capitalization · Minneapolis/St. Paul · Minnesota · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · shoes · spelling and grammar police

Toto, I have a feeling we’re not at band camp anymore

October 20th, 2010 · 126 Comments

Michael is a music teacher in New York, and one of his students, Aleks, a clarinet player with 15 years experience, recently moved to the city to start his master’s degree. “Coming from Ohio, he had no idea what he was getting into when practicing clarinet in his apartment in Queens,” says Michael. “Now he knows.”

Dear Friend, Take take the flute and shove it up your ass. You have NO talent. Give your neighbors a break. if not we are going to break your hand's [sic]

related: Buskers & broomsticks

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · most popular notes of 2010 · music · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · Queens

A different sort of Dear John letter

October 6th, 2010 · 50 Comments

Leslie in Wilmington, North Carolina says her baby sister has “always been pretty intense.” To wit: while going through some old papers recently, she dug up this card, which her then-10-year-old sister sent to Leslie’s boyfriend at the time.

(I’d like to think that beneath that thin layer of Liquid Paper lies an even more specific accusation, but baby sis’ decided that a more veiled threat would be the best way to scare Jon straight.)

Dear Jon, I hope you have a great birthday. I know my sister likes you, so you better not mess around or else. I mean it.

related: Let the rest of us eat cake.

Tags: birthday · not-so-veiled threats · siblings · Wilmington

All the news that’s fit to steal

September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments

“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”

But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate”  — remarkably well, actually!  (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)

Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:

NOTICE TO WELL-READ 1809 THEIF [sic]  I would be grateful if you cease snatching my copy of the New York Times. If not, I shall have to cancel my subscription, which will deny us both the application. -JSS

Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:

To the scumbag who keeps taking my New York Times as their own, I'm not impressed. you obviously are somewhat intelligent if you are inclined to read such a quality publication, but guess what dumbass,stealing is still wrong. I've paid for it and I'd like to read it. Kindly leave it here next time.

Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:

will the person who keeps stealing my times, please stop...we're neighbors here and i shouldn't have to worry about a theif [sic] in my home. if money is that tight buy the post. -stew

Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:

ATTENTION SECOND FLOOR: NEWSPAPER THIEF ON THE LOOSE!!! I am so sick of my goddamn newspaper getting stolen every FUCKING day. I'm hiring Angela Lansbury to find out who you are, and I swear to God, she'll go BATSHIT CRAZY on your ass. I've caught a newspaper thief once, and I'll do it again. EAT SHIT YOU STUPID BITCH!

Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”

As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.

Hey!! I've ordered the Wall Street Journal to be delivered here. Please stop taking it, or I'll break your fuckin' arms! Love, Harrison

Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”

And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.

related: Free markets, free people, free papers

extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]

Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing

Those heirloom tomatoes had sentimental value!

August 1st, 2010 · 87 Comments

Frustrated by fridge thieves who continually ignore your polite (or not-so-polite) requests to keep their paws to themselves? Don’t get mad — get creative! You could end up with something so crazy it might actually work…that is, if it doesn’t totally backfire.

You could go for the classic bluff, with the hopes that you’ll inspire just enough self-doubt to encourage the thief to go for the next lunch bag over.

1. Meds in here Don't drink 2. Danger: Rat Poop

My Husband has H1N1 and he made this sandwich

BOB'S URINE

Or you could hold out hope that the thief in question is either very lazy, very stupid…

An excellent theft deterrent...for thieves without opposable thumbs

"No unsecured items allowed in the refrigerator"

…or that he or she appreciates your twisted sense of humor enough to take mercy on your pathetic self.

Please stop eatin my eggs + cheese, Theyre Family Heirlooms.

Or you could just bring this for lunch. (Somehow, I think this would have been safe, even without the note.)

Apparently some sort of pickled fish?

Thanks to Theresa in Birmingham, Alabama; Stacey in Manchester, New Hampshire; Alissa in Memphis, Tennessee; and Marianne in Dublin, Ireland for submitting!

related: That’s breastmilk!

Tags: beverages · cheese · fish · food · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing · tea · water

“Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the darndest threats!”

July 27th, 2010 · 84 Comments

For the folks who found yesterday’s “do not come in” post a bit too “kids say the darndest things” precious, I figured I’d better even things out with a look at what happens when those neglected jealous siblings grow up…and get armed.

Exhibit A, spotted by Heather at a gas station in Gastonia, North Carolina

Attention thieves, rogues & no work scum: I sleep here (2) nights a week. Guess which two? My .50 cal 8 1/2 in. barrels and mean male rottweiler dog will be here to greet you. Love, Tom

Exhibit B, which Steve found pinned to a tree in Athens, Ohio (where, while visiting friends, he stumbled upon the property of the local necrophiliac farmer)

NO TRESPASSING I fuck dead people! Trespass here and I'll be fucking you too! xoxo

And lastly, Exhibit C, spotted by Dex outside a “fairly dilapidated” house in Raleigh, North Carolina

1. No loitering or trespassing on this side if I catch you I will hurt you. 2. NO TRESPASSING 3. Ignore this if you want to

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: crazypants · die bitch die · gas station · more aggressive than passive · North Carolina · not-so-veiled threats · Ohio · signed with love · xoxo