Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'

The Ring 3: Death by Sandwich

December 7th, 2010 · 86 Comments

Matt, a law student in Boston, surmises that this note posted in the school’s student lounge was written by non-native English speaker  — “the other possibility being that the stress of exams has eaten away at his ability to write coherently.” But what’s curious about this note isn’t the spelling and grammar so much as the the variety and specificity of immediate punishments that are promised within.

“For example,” asks Matt: “Will the food choke the perpetrator, or will Frank be the choker?  How will the burns be administered to the sleeper?” And so on. ”In any case,” he adds, “at least the various threatened deaths won’t be drawn out. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, there is no ‘video record’ of the refrigerator.)”

To the asshole who stole my food this Friday between 12:00 pm - 5:00 pm on the first floor: Go to hell! You bastard! You're son of bitch! You're a jerk! You make me sick! I hate you! You will die soon! When you get out of this door, you will be hit by a car and die immediately! When you eating food, you will get choked and die immediately! When you sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately! My food has been stolen more than 5 times since last semester. I'm not going to put up with this! I'm telling you for the last time! Don't do this again! Because I'm going to check the video record and You are dead meat!  PS: People please pay attention, thief is around us! When you get him, you must kick his ass!

related: Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the dardnest threats!

Tags: Boston · Clearly a non-native English speaker · die bitch die · food · lawyers & law students · not-so-veiled threats · p.s.

What happens when you push “Minnesota Nice” one muddy step too far?

November 14th, 2010 · 81 Comments

Shortly after moving in to her new place in Minneapolis, Emily was greeted by this example of that famous “Minnesota Nice“ on a neighbor’s door.

Remove shoes before enter my place or else you will have some promblems with me. That goes for whoever whatever. Or else you won't be comming in here. And if I see any footprint mudd on my rug. I will snapout. believe that am tired of being nice to people

Remove your shoes. Or else you won't be cumming in my house. thats goes for whoever. if you don't remove your shoe's before enter my house or you ill have a promblem with me. and you will be getting my carpet clean. and the next bad as kid or whoever rip my sign off my door i will whoop there ass. I don't care who you is.

related: Your are welcome to our home

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · irregular capitalization · Minneapolis/St. Paul · Minnesota · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · shoes · spelling and grammar police

Toto, I have a feeling we’re not at band camp anymore

October 20th, 2010 · 126 Comments

Michael is a music teacher in New York, and one of his students, Aleks, a clarinet player with 15 years experience, recently moved to the city to start his master’s degree. “Coming from Ohio, he had no idea what he was getting into when practicing clarinet in his apartment in Queens,” says Michael. “Now he knows.”

Dear Friend, Take take the flute and shove it up your ass. You have NO talent. Give your neighbors a break. if not we are going to break your hand's [sic]

related: Buskers & broomsticks

Tags: apostrophe catastrophe · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · most popular notes of 2010 · music · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · Queens

A different sort of Dear John letter

October 6th, 2010 · 50 Comments

Leslie in Wilmington, North Carolina says her baby sister has “always been pretty intense.” To wit: while going through some old papers recently, she dug up this card, which her then-10-year-old sister sent to Leslie’s boyfriend at the time.

(I’d like to think that beneath that thin layer of Liquid Paper lies an even more specific accusation, but baby sis’ decided that a more veiled threat would be the best way to scare Jon straight.)

Dear Jon, I hope you have a great birthday. I know my sister likes you, so you better not mess around or else. I mean it.

related: Let the rest of us eat cake.

Tags: birthday · not-so-veiled threats · siblings · Wilmington

All the news that’s fit to steal

September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments

“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”

But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate”  — remarkably well, actually!  (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)

Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:

NOTICE TO WELL-READ 1809 THEIF [sic]  I would be grateful if you cease snatching my copy of the New York Times. If not, I shall have to cancel my subscription, which will deny us both the application. -JSS

Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:

To the scumbag who keeps taking my New York Times as their own, I'm not impressed. you obviously are somewhat intelligent if you are inclined to read such a quality publication, but guess what dumbass,stealing is still wrong. I've paid for it and I'd like to read it. Kindly leave it here next time.

Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:

will the person who keeps stealing my times, please stop...we're neighbors here and i shouldn't have to worry about a theif [sic] in my home. if money is that tight buy the post. -stew

Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:

ATTENTION SECOND FLOOR: NEWSPAPER THIEF ON THE LOOSE!!! I am so sick of my goddamn newspaper getting stolen every FUCKING day. I'm hiring Angela Lansbury to find out who you are, and I swear to God, she'll go BATSHIT CRAZY on your ass. I've caught a newspaper thief once, and I'll do it again. EAT SHIT YOU STUPID BITCH!

Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”

As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.

Hey!! I've ordered the Wall Street Journal to be delivered here. Please stop taking it, or I'll break your fuckin' arms! Love, Harrison

Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”

And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.

related: Free markets, free people, free papers

extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]

Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing

Those heirloom tomatoes had sentimental value!

August 1st, 2010 · 87 Comments

Frustrated by fridge thieves who continually ignore your polite (or not-so-polite) requests to keep their paws to themselves? Don’t get mad — get creative! You could end up with something so crazy it might actually work…that is, if it doesn’t totally backfire.

You could go for the classic bluff, with the hopes that you’ll inspire just enough self-doubt to encourage the thief to go for the next lunch bag over.

1. Meds in here Don't drink 2. Danger: Rat Poop

My Husband has H1N1 and he made this sandwich

BOB'S URINE

Or you could hold out hope that the thief in question is either very lazy, very stupid…

An excellent theft deterrent...for thieves without opposable thumbs

"No unsecured items allowed in the refrigerator"

…or that he or she appreciates your twisted sense of humor enough to take mercy on your pathetic self.

Please stop eatin my eggs + cheese, Theyre Family Heirlooms.

Or you could just bring this for lunch. (Somehow, I think this would have been safe, even without the note.)

Apparently some sort of pickled fish?

Thanks to Theresa in Birmingham, Alabama; Stacey in Manchester, New Hampshire; Alissa in Memphis, Tennessee; and Marianne in Dublin, Ireland for submitting!

related: That’s breastmilk!

Tags: beverages · cheese · fish · food · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing · tea · water

“Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the darndest threats!”

July 27th, 2010 · 84 Comments

For the folks who found yesterday’s “do not come in” post a bit too “kids say the darndest things” precious, I figured I’d better even things out with a look at what happens when those neglected jealous siblings grow up…and get armed.

Exhibit A, spotted by Heather at a gas station in Gastonia, North Carolina

Attention thieves, rogues & no work scum: I sleep here (2) nights a week. Guess which two? My .50 cal 8 1/2 in. barrels and mean male rottweiler dog will be here to greet you. Love, Tom

Exhibit B, which Steve found pinned to a tree in Athens, Ohio (where, while visiting friends, he stumbled upon the property of the local necrophiliac farmer)

NO TRESPASSING I fuck dead people! Trespass here and I'll be fucking you too! xoxo

And lastly, Exhibit C, spotted by Dex outside a “fairly dilapidated” house in Raleigh, North Carolina

1. No loitering or trespassing on this side if I catch you I will hurt you. 2. NO TRESPASSING 3. Ignore this if you want to

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: crazypants · die bitch die · gas station · more aggressive than passive · North Carolina · not-so-veiled threats · Ohio · signed with love · xoxo

The 53rd Annual Punctuation Posse Round-up

July 19th, 2010 · 113 Comments

If you’d like to join a vigilante punctuation posse or a grassroots typography militia, Washington State might be the place for you.

In one Seattle suburb, for example, an underground group has targeted a certain “JS,” who sources say “has some serious control/micromanagement issues, and enjoys flaunting his power to tell people what to do a liiiittle too much. He also tends to find nasty ways to get revenge on people who contradict him.”

Please leave out apostrophe's [sic] / symbols from customer names (commas - OK)  JS Please leave out apostrophes from plural nouns.

Elsewhere in Seattle, “office professionalism” seems to have no bearing on freedom of speech…as long as you use the right typeface, of course.

Please keep the door closed!!! Thank you!!! Please don't use Comic Sans — we are a Fortune 500 Company, not a Lemonade Stand.

related: Completely valid rebuttals

Tags: "too inside fucking baseball" · apostrophe catastrophe · awk abbrev · Comic Sans Alert · Helsinki · most popular notes of 2010 · music · not-so-veiled threats

HOT FAKE TREND ALERT! “Bros slicing bros,” a.k.a. “hate-eating” Domino’s pizza

July 11th, 2010 · 61 Comments

So, you still haven’t tried “new taste of Domino’s Pizza,” despite the barrage of marketing dollars being spent encouraging you to do so?  Not to worry! I’ll save you the heartburn incurred by a certain food-filching WashU student and his victims.

Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls. (Oh, and to the Domino’s brand managers reading this: feel free to quote us on that!)

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

Explains Bridget in St. Louis: “There has been a quite nefarious food thief stealing from the dorm’s community refrigerator lately, and I should know, since my stuff has been taken too. There have been a couple of complaints posted to the fridge, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It was written on a napkin duct-taped to a pizza box that had been (rather hastily) stuffed in the refrigerator.”

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

related: My mum bought me that pizza!

extra credit: “New York Times Discovers New Trend: Bros Icing Bros” [gawker.com]

Tags: college life · die bitch die · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not-so-veiled threats · pizza · shameless meme-mongering · St. Louis · stealing

No snitchin’

June 21st, 2010 · 91 Comments

“So, this note was left in my mailbox (along with those of our other neighbors, I assume) back in March,” says our submitter in Connecticut. Although this one starts with out with seems like run-of-the-mill suburban blahblahblah, the second paragraph throws out a hell of a curveball.

Dear Neighbor: A member of the Health Department knocked on my door today to report a complaint of stagnant water in the swimming pool in my backyard. It was reported to them that the pool has been idle for two years and has standing stagnant water in it. Let me assure you that when we decided not to open the pool (to swim in) last summer, we contacted the Health Department and had to go down there and sign for (there is a public record of this) mosquito larvae killer tablets. The pool was treated all spring, summer, and fall last year (2009). Sometime after we closed the pool last fall, we noticed this winter that all of the water had drained out of it. The recent rains have left water in there for now and the pool is being treated once again with the mosquito larvae killer tablets. We hope to have the leak in the pool repaired this summer and have it operational, but until that time it will be treated appropriately. In 30 days, I will request via the Freedom of Information Act who reported this Health Violation to the city without having the courtesy to even inquire of me what the status of the pool is. At that time, I will publish that person's name as it will be a matter of public record. Thank you for your time and concern. Your Neighbor

“To be honest, I’m surprised the notewriter hasn’t taken to the street with a megaphone, demanding that the cowards who called the Health Department show themselves,” our submitter says. No such luck, however. ”My wife and I are dying to know who the snitch was,” he says, “but we’ve been left hanging!”

He adds: “I’ve considered mailing the writer an anonymous note stating that, strictly speaking, leaving notes in our mailboxes without paying postage is a violation of federal law. You know,  just to throw some fuel on the fire.” (I’d say submitting the note to this note is probably good enough.)

related: Thanks for your concern, but you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Tags: Connecticut · MYOB · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Oops?