Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'

Mothers, lock up your lawn ornaments!

April 12th, 2010 · 113 Comments

“My mother sent me this gem of a newspaper clipping from my hometown in Florida,” Kim says. “I didn’t know if she had any personal involvement in this tragedy, or if she just thought it was hilarious, like I did.”

(Perhaps it was intended as a cautionary tale. Or a warning to keep an eye out for one-legged flamingos?)

I live in Vero Lake Estates and some low-life, mother, daughter, husband son or neighbor came into my yard and took three ceramic mushrooms some time ago that I had for a few years. Now some low-life person came in my yard and took my three plastic flamingos that I have had in my yard for 20 years. They did leave one flamingo and tow of the legs from the others. I cannot understand this and please be sure when your wife, daughter, father or son comes home and says look what I bought at a yard sale, they are lying. If you have any feelings at all you, will return them with no questions asked. I will only beat you within an inch of your miserable life, thank you.

related: askin’ for it

Tags: Florida · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · stealing

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got Call of Duty 4 on pause

March 22nd, 2010 · 88 Comments

Jack and Sarah in Tacoma, Washington both spotted this note taped to the window of a coffee shop outside the Fort Lewis military base in Tillicum. While I particularly enjoy the slow crescendo of this note, I’m not sure the manager of the H&R Block across the street would feel the same.

Dear Tillicum Thieves, While I appreciate your initiative and hard work I'd like to suggest you not break our window. There is an H&R Block across the street and I'm certain their computers are much newer and nicer than ours. I live in the neighborhood and would appreciate you not stealing from a local non-profit that provides services to soldiers and veterans. Also, I will shoot you in the fucking face. Thanks! The Management

related: Raging against the little guy

Tags: most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · vandalism · Washington state

The joys of motherhood

March 2nd, 2010 · 141 Comments

Writes Sarah: “This note was written to me after I told my seven-year-old daughter to go to her room until she felt like being nice. I’m still trying to figure out what she really feels. Was it love mingled with regret…or slathering me with goodness in hopes of ending the misery in her room? Somehow I still think she meant what she originally said. Motherhood rocks!!!!”

I <3 U Mommy Dear Mom, You are my favorit [sic] mommy ever. I'm sorry for calling you a piece of poo. And I hate you and not going to my room. I love you Mommy  Love, your dauttre [sic] Karah

Meanwhile, Laura in California writes: ”My six-year-old daughter misbehaved at school, so she couldn’t go to the harvest festival. This didn’t go over well, so she wrote me this threatening note. When I laughed, she took it back to add ‘I (am) serious.’”

No luving Maggie in less you let me go I serious am

And it’s not just the girls. Liev in Gainesville, Georgia received this from her six-year-old son when — while trying to get dinner on the table for five kids clamoring for her attention — she had to tell him she did not have time to look at his latest Lego creation right this second. “This is his drawing of me yelling at him. The thing above him is his broken heart.”

The joys of motherhood

related: Mad, but not made enough to forego a French braid

Tags: art · heart · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · spelling and grammar police

Way to use those SAT vocab words!!!

February 1st, 2010 · 105 Comments

An eagle-eyed substitute teacher spotted the work of this precocious young propagandist-to-be at a Pennsylvania high school. (Psst! Philip Morris? R.J. Reynolds? Are you paying attention?)

Yearbook!!!!! Is on sale now!!! (This week!) Yearbooks are $47 and in all color!!! Buy them in lunch or A108!!! Buy one or your high school career will be a maelstrom of unfulfilling normalcy!!!

related: 2good 2b 4gotten

Tags: excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · not-so-veiled threats · now that's not true · schools & teachers

(Don’t Fear) The Creeper

January 3rd, 2010 · 170 Comments

I live in an apartment complex where most people know each other and are generally on good terms,” says Jin in California…or so he thought. As it turns out, there’s a pool of bold-underlined-all-caps-highlighted frustration simmering (oh-so-hilariously) just below the surface.

Hey you! Yes YOU! (The Peeping Tom): If I EVER catch you looking through my window again I swear on everything I hold dear that my cooter will be the last thing your pervy eyes will ever see again.

To the person who saw me peeping at you

related: Be more private with yourself

Tags: bold underlined italics · California · CAPS LOCK · double-entendre alert · high on highlighter · holiday spirit · mistaken identity · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · non-apology apology · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · rebuttals · sad face · sex sex sex

Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

December 29th, 2009 · 86 Comments

Hey, so do you remember hearing about how crazy cat ladies might be explained by the Toxoplasma parasite? (No? Then listen to this episode of Radiolab. It’s pretty awesome.) Well, Toxo may or may not explain these notes.

Exhibit a) Spotted by Shane at an office in Upland, California…

"Regarding my cat": His name is Taboo not some silly name that some of you call him. I want all of you to mind your own business and leave my cat alone. I don't want you even talking to him. If I catch anyone feeding Taboo, I want you on notice NOW!!!!!!! I will terminate your employment. IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!

Exhibit b) From an apartment building in Austin, Texas…

Please do not feed or have the grey tabby in your home.

related: Cat fight!

extra credit: Radiolab: Parasites

Tags: Austin · California · CAPS LOCK · cats · exclamation-point happy!!!! · MYOB · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · unnecessary "quotation marks"

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

November 12th, 2009 · 103 Comments

As Lachlan in Melbourne points out, for 4 and 6 years old these kids have pretty good writing skills (with the exception of that little “hyph:-colon”). But lawdy, kids today and their language!

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh…

If you know this plant over and kill it, I will fucking kill you & your fucking family! xoxo

And in Philadelphia (as spotted by Tash, who is not a yuppie)…

WARNING: People of Philadelphia, these tomatoes are not for you! Sincerely, the miserable overprivileged yuppie cunts in the condo monstrosity across the street

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · xoxo

Gone country

September 25th, 2009 · 149 Comments

Before you embark on this visual road trip through from rural North America, remember: guns don’t kill ’possums. CELL PHONES KILL ’POSSUMS. (And potentially one-thumbed former sea captains.)

rite to live

You better pray the cops get to you before I do

no carcasses in the fridge

bring back tom turkey

cowboy hats only!!!

have you seen this man?

related: The right to bear fruit
extra credit: Playing ’possum [awkwardfamilyphotos.com]


Tags: more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · spelling and grammar police

Wishin’ and hopin’

September 24th, 2009 · 120 Comments

When dealing with anonymous strangers, there’s no point in playing coy about your hopes and dreams. Tell us, kids, what do you REALLY want?

I hope your baseball team never wins another world series for the rest of your life

I hope you get the runs!

I hope your spouse leaves you for your best friend

I hope you catch on fire

Hope your balls fall off!

I hope God will kill you in a car crash before you get to your house

related: I hope your cat chokes

Tags: die bitch die · God · more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing

Comrades, take notice!

August 23rd, 2009 · 96 Comments

Sarah in San Francisco convinced her friend Tim to take a photo of this note, the third in a series of progressively sterner notes that has appeared in his office restroom.

Writes Sarah: “I am a fan of, inter alia, the fact that the author ‘buries the lead’ in the p.s. in the middle; the phrase ‘do not leave with the toilet paper,’ as if it’s something you pick up at a bar and take home before the beer goggles wear off; the statement that toilet paper ‘belongs to the public,’ like the state’s natural resources; and of course, the threat to make the perpetrator pay…and more.”

the toilet paper belongs to the public, not the individual

Meanwhile, this note from Jen in Richmond, B.C. is both more specific and more puzzling.

comrades, take note!

I mean, subbing paper towels for TP, I understand…you gotta do what you gotta do when your rations run out. But drying your hands with toilet paper? Really, comrades?

is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?

related: five approaches to TP maintenance

Tags: not-so-veiled threats · p.s. · stealing · toilet paper