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Entries Tagged as 'not-so-veiled threats'

HOT FAKE TREND ALERT! “Bros slicing bros,” a.k.a. “hate-eating” Domino’s pizza

July 11th, 2010 · 61 Comments

So, you still haven’t tried “new taste of Domino’s Pizza,” despite the barrage of marketing dollars being spent encouraging you to do so?  Not to worry! I’ll save you the heartburn incurred by a certain food-filching WashU student and his victims.

Here’s the scoop: If you order a pizza from Domino’s, there’s a 60% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls, and a 40% chance it will taste like a college student’s balls. (Oh, and to the Domino’s brand managers reading this: feel free to quote us on that!)

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

Explains Bridget in St. Louis: “There has been a quite nefarious food thief stealing from the dorm’s community refrigerator lately, and I should know, since my stuff has been taken too. There have been a couple of complaints posted to the fridge, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It was written on a napkin duct-taped to a pizza box that had been (rather hastily) stuffed in the refrigerator.”

Hey...First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My roommates hate you. Nemerov [NAME OF THE COLLEGE DORM] hates you. You're probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go Die. There's a 60% chance one of my quadmates dragged their balls through the sauce of this and yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you. Arg... Fuck you. 2030 FUCK OFF AND DIE

related: My mum bought me that pizza!

extra credit: “New York Times Discovers New Trend: Bros Icing Bros” [gawker.com]

Tags: college life · die bitch die · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not-so-veiled threats · pizza · shameless meme-mongering · St. Louis · stealing

No snitchin’

June 21st, 2010 · 91 Comments

“So, this note was left in my mailbox (along with those of our other neighbors, I assume) back in March,” says our submitter in Connecticut. Although this one starts with out with seems like run-of-the-mill suburban blahblahblah, the second paragraph throws out a hell of a curveball.

Dear Neighbor: A member of the Health Department knocked on my door today to report a complaint of stagnant water in the swimming pool in my backyard. It was reported to them that the pool has been idle for two years and has standing stagnant water in it. Let me assure you that when we decided not to open the pool (to swim in) last summer, we contacted the Health Department and had to go down there and sign for (there is a public record of this) mosquito larvae killer tablets. The pool was treated all spring, summer, and fall last year (2009). Sometime after we closed the pool last fall, we noticed this winter that all of the water had drained out of it. The recent rains have left water in there for now and the pool is being treated once again with the mosquito larvae killer tablets. We hope to have the leak in the pool repaired this summer and have it operational, but until that time it will be treated appropriately. In 30 days, I will request via the Freedom of Information Act who reported this Health Violation to the city without having the courtesy to even inquire of me what the status of the pool is. At that time, I will publish that person's name as it will be a matter of public record. Thank you for your time and concern. Your Neighbor

“To be honest, I’m surprised the notewriter hasn’t taken to the street with a megaphone, demanding that the cowards who called the Health Department show themselves,” our submitter says. No such luck, however. ”My wife and I are dying to know who the snitch was,” he says, “but we’ve been left hanging!”

He adds: “I’ve considered mailing the writer an anonymous note stating that, strictly speaking, leaving notes in our mailboxes without paying postage is a violation of federal law. You know,  just to throw some fuel on the fire.” (I’d say submitting the note to this note is probably good enough.)

related: Thanks for your concern, but you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Tags: Connecticut · MYOB · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Oops?

Violent (but amusing) threats

June 6th, 2010 · 76 Comments

So, which of these warnings would most readily scare you into compliance?

Exhibit a) from an alley in York, U.K.

If I find out who is leting their dog shit out side my house I will personaly [sic] ripp [sic] there [sic] heads off and their dogs and shit in their necks!! This not a threat it's a promis [sic]! I am watching! God help you if I catch you!

Exhibit b) from a sharehouse in Australia

I swear to god if you write one more fucking note I am going to get that wad of notepaper and and shove it so far up your ass you're going to be sneezing shopping lists for the rest of your life. I hope you get papercuts and DIE!

or Exhibit c) spotted by Robert on a film shoot in Los Angeles?

LABEL YOUR GOSH DARNED WATER BOTTLES OR I'LL DROP YOU OFF THE HIGH TURRET AND REMOVE YOU AS A FACEBOOK FRIEND

related: Wishin’ and hopin’

Tags: Australia · CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · God · Los Angeles · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · spelling and grammar police

Mothers, lock up your lawn ornaments!

April 12th, 2010 · 113 Comments

“My mother sent me this gem of a newspaper clipping from my hometown in Florida,” Kim says. “I didn’t know if she had any personal involvement in this tragedy, or if she just thought it was hilarious, like I did.”

(Perhaps it was intended as a cautionary tale. Or a warning to keep an eye out for one-legged flamingos?)

I live in Vero Lake Estates and some low-life, mother, daughter, husband son or neighbor came into my yard and took three ceramic mushrooms some time ago that I had for a few years. Now some low-life person came in my yard and took my three plastic flamingos that I have had in my yard for 20 years. They did leave one flamingo and tow of the legs from the others. I cannot understand this and please be sure when your wife, daughter, father or son comes home and says look what I bought at a yard sale, they are lying. If you have any feelings at all you, will return them with no questions asked. I will only beat you within an inch of your miserable life, thank you.

related: askin’ for it

Tags: Florida · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · stealing

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got Call of Duty 4 on pause

March 22nd, 2010 · 88 Comments

Jack and Sarah in Tacoma, Washington both spotted this note taped to the window of a coffee shop outside the Fort Lewis military base in Tillicum. While I particularly enjoy the slow crescendo of this note, I’m not sure the manager of the H&R Block across the street would feel the same.

Dear Tillicum Thieves, While I appreciate your initiative and hard work I'd like to suggest you not break our window. There is an H&R Block across the street and I'm certain their computers are much newer and nicer than ours. I live in the neighborhood and would appreciate you not stealing from a local non-profit that provides services to soldiers and veterans. Also, I will shoot you in the fucking face. Thanks! The Management

related: Raging against the little guy

Tags: most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · vandalism · Washington state

The joys of motherhood

March 2nd, 2010 · 141 Comments

Writes Sarah: “This note was written to me after I told my seven-year-old daughter to go to her room until she felt like being nice. I’m still trying to figure out what she really feels. Was it love mingled with regret…or slathering me with goodness in hopes of ending the misery in her room? Somehow I still think she meant what she originally said. Motherhood rocks!!!!”

I <3 U Mommy Dear Mom, You are my favorit [sic] mommy ever. I'm sorry for calling you a piece of poo. And I hate you and not going to my room. I love you Mommy  Love, your dauttre [sic] Karah

Meanwhile, Laura in California writes: ”My six-year-old daughter misbehaved at school, so she couldn’t go to the harvest festival. This didn’t go over well, so she wrote me this threatening note. When I laughed, she took it back to add ‘I (am) serious.’”

No luving Maggie in less you let me go I serious am

And it’s not just the girls. Liev in Gainesville, Georgia received this from her six-year-old son when — while trying to get dinner on the table for five kids clamoring for her attention — she had to tell him she did not have time to look at his latest Lego creation right this second. “This is his drawing of me yelling at him. The thing above him is his broken heart.”

The joys of motherhood

related: Mad, but not made enough to forego a French braid

Tags: art · heart · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · spelling and grammar police

Way to use those SAT vocab words!!!

February 1st, 2010 · 105 Comments

An eagle-eyed substitute teacher spotted the work of this precocious young propagandist-to-be at a Pennsylvania high school. (Psst! Philip Morris? R.J. Reynolds? Are you paying attention?)

Yearbook!!!!! Is on sale now!!! (This week!) Yearbooks are $47 and in all color!!! Buy them in lunch or A108!!! Buy one or your high school career will be a maelstrom of unfulfilling normalcy!!!

related: 2good 2b 4gotten

Tags: excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · not-so-veiled threats · now that's not true · schools & teachers

(Don’t Fear) The Creeper

January 3rd, 2010 · 170 Comments

I live in an apartment complex where most people know each other and are generally on good terms,” says Jin in California…or so he thought. As it turns out, there’s a pool of bold-underlined-all-caps-highlighted frustration simmering (oh-so-hilariously) just below the surface.

Hey you! Yes YOU! (The Peeping Tom): If I EVER catch you looking through my window again I swear on everything I hold dear that my cooter will be the last thing your pervy eyes will ever see again.

To the person who saw me peeping at you

related: Be more private with yourself

Tags: bold underlined italics · California · CAPS LOCK · double-entendre alert · high on highlighter · holiday spirit · mistaken identity · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · non-apology apology · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · rebuttals · sad face · sex sex sex

Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

December 29th, 2009 · 86 Comments

Hey, so do you remember hearing about how crazy cat ladies might be explained by the Toxoplasma parasite? (No? Then listen to this episode of Radiolab. It’s pretty awesome.) Well, Toxo may or may not explain these notes.

Exhibit a) Spotted by Shane at an office in Upland, California…

"Regarding my cat": His name is Taboo not some silly name that some of you call him. I want all of you to mind your own business and leave my cat alone. I don't want you even talking to him. If I catch anyone feeding Taboo, I want you on notice NOW!!!!!!! I will terminate your employment. IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!

Exhibit b) From an apartment building in Austin, Texas…

Please do not feed or have the grey tabby in your home.

related: Cat fight!

extra credit: Radiolab: Parasites

Tags: Austin · California · CAPS LOCK · cats · exclamation-point happy!!!! · MYOB · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · unnecessary "quotation marks"

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

November 12th, 2009 · 103 Comments

As Lachlan in Melbourne points out, for 4 and 6 years old these kids have pretty good writing skills (with the exception of that little “hyph:-colon”). But lawdy, kids today and their language!

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh…

If you know this plant over and kill it, I will fucking kill you & your fucking family! xoxo

And in Philadelphia (as spotted by Tash, who is not a yuppie)…

WARNING: People of Philadelphia, these tomatoes are not for you! Sincerely, the miserable overprivileged yuppie cunts in the condo monstrosity across the street

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · xoxo