When dealing with anonymous strangers, there’s no point in playing coy about your hopes and dreams. Tell us, kids, what do you REALLY want?

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Sarah in San Francisco convinced her friend Tim to take a photo of this note, the third in a series of progressively sterner notes that has appeared in his office restroom.

Writes Sarah: “I am a fan of, inter alia, the fact that the author ‘buries the lead’ in the p.s. in the middle; the phrase ‘do not leave with the toilet paper,’ as if it’s something you pick up at a bar and take home before the beer goggles wear off; the statement that toilet paper ‘belongs to the public,’ like the state’s natural resources; and of course, the threat to make the perpetrator pay…and more.”

Meanwhile, this note from Jen in Richmond, B.C. is both more specific and more puzzling.

I mean, subbing paper towels for TP, I understand…you gotta do what you gotta do when your rations run out. But drying your hands with toilet paper? Really, comrades?

related: five approaches to TP maintenance

This note, from Michelle in Denver, displays the remarkable lengths that some people will go to avoid confrontation.

“This bright-green gem wasn’t the only priceless thing visible,” Michelle says. “On the cubicle wall closest to the refrigerators was a camera…and it was actually connected to the computer and recording a live feed. This is why you don’t steal from the fridge when you work for a multimedia corporation!”

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Writes Dan in Seattle: “I work at a federal hospital and often ride my motorcycle to work. There is another hospital employee that also does so, and we usually park in the same area. Space is at a premium —especially around this woman and her self-proclaimed 10-foot-wide protected parking bubble. Another time she left me a note asking me not to block her in (when I hadn’t blocked her in!) but this latest note from her is the best encounter by far. I parked behind her about a foot back, leaving plenty —and I mean plenty — of room for her to pull out, but apparently that wasn’t enough for her.”

This time, Dan says, “for the safety of my motorcycle (and obviously, out of spite), I told the police.” Lucky for us, he scanned a copy of the note first. It’s the totally “biker chick” stationery that makes it, of course.

related: hello kancer!

Because nobody says “I mean business” like…Donald Duck.

Except, perhaps, Mickey Mouse? Writes our anonymous submitter in Toronto: “My sister went to do her laundry with her 2-year-old daughter who kept on saying ‘Mickey! Mickey!’” It seemed like random toddler babbling…until she saw the note.

related: How many wonders can one cavern hold?

extra credit: Didn’t Disney sue a bunch of preschools for painting Disney characters on their walls? [snopes.com]

“One of my coworkers — normally a calm, even-keeled woman — sits near the door of the office,” writes Ali in Minnesota. “When others come in at night to write reports or look up info, they apparently destroy her desk in the matter of minutes. After a series of coffee cups and chair-lowerings, up went this note. Everyone in the office found it so funny they started adding snarling animals to the note. Ferocious!”

While I can understand this woman’s frustration, one thing I’ll never be able to understand is the logic behind highlighting an entire (caps-locked!) message.

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Victoria in Foster city, California, says her brother taped this note to one of the kitchen cabinets in their mother’s house after her boyfriend took his own frozen chicken out of little brother’s grasp the night before. (Just to clarify that mess of pronouns: it was Victoria’s boyfriend’s chicken. Not that it really matters.)

“He’s 17 and constantly PMS-ing and thinks he has reign of the house,” Victoria says of her brother. So, in response, Victoria did whatever any older sibling does when a parent tells you to suck it up and act your age. (Namely: exactly the opposite.)

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You could start with a basic visual aid…

Or perhaps appeal to your readers’ sense of patriotism…

…or go with a not-so-veiled threat.

Of course, you could just let your ass do the talking.

But remember to cite your sources.

(Thanks to Ryan in West Palm Beach, Heather in Delaware, Julie in Marysville, Brian in British Columbia and bluepaintred in Canada for their advice on this matter.)

related: Four approaches to ice cube maintenance