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Entries Tagged as 'now that’s management'

From the Manager’s Book of Quotes for Inspiring Workplace Paranoia

November 9th, 2011 · 43 Comments

Writes our submitter in Madison, Wisconsin: “This note appeared in the staff bathrooms the day after a meeting I had with my boss…a meeting that included some discussion about how large parts of my day involve looking for things to do. So…I guess I’m ‘uninteresting’?”

related: A few clues that you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

Tags: message to all intended for one · now that's management · office

Wanted: Part-time Masochists

October 18th, 2011 · 65 Comments

At least with this job, you know exactly what kind of misery you’re signing up for if you decide to “enquire within.” (If only all bosses let their true characters shine through so obviously at this stage of the game.)

WANTED: Part-time sales person who won't quit after 2 months, who works hard and doesn't think she's doing me a favour by working here, who can take a joke and won't cry everyday [sic] on the floor.

related: My sadistic dungeon-master won’t let me call in sick

Tags: Canada · casual sexism · crazy boss · help wanted · now that's management

Perhaps your boss is due for a little chat with HR?

September 28th, 2011 · 31 Comments

The sign to the left was posted by the boss at an office in Oneonta, New York. (Adds our submitter: “He claims the spelling was autocorrected by Word.”)

Without even getting into the finer points of what might constitute a “hostile work environment,” I think it’s safe to say that encouraging your employees to commit suicide isn’t the best management technique.

IF YOU ARE NOT INTELLEGENT [sic] ENOUGH TO RINSE OUT THE EMPTIES, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF NOW.  [response:] What about not being able to spell

(Of course, some managers might disagree.)

You don't call retarded people retards. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

related: Signs you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

Tags: a little insensitive · crazy boss · die bitch die · more aggressive than passive · New York · now that's management · rebuttals · recycling · spelling and grammar police · that's irresponsible

In case you’d forgotten that you are but a tiny, eminently replaceable cog in this vast machine…

August 18th, 2011 · 77 Comments

Your corporate overlords would like to offer this friendly reminder of how much we value our employees!

Hi Everyone, Effective immediately, [redacted] no longer works for [redacted]. On a more positive note, [redacted] (a new Qualifier) starts on Monday! Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I hope your [sic] having a great day!! TGIF... :) Thank you

related: Recession incentive plan

Tags: all-staff e-mail · California · fired · now that's management · smiley · your/you're

Please change.

July 7th, 2011 · 55 Comments

Our submitter in Tucson, Arizona was a little perplexed by the sign hanging up in newly-assigned cubicle, but didn’t think much of it. When he finally got around to asking his bosses about it, they somewhat cryptically responded that the last person to work in that cubicle “had a problem with change.”

(It’s unclear who made the decision that a change of job was in order for that particular ex-employee.)

CHANGE is Good! We like CHANGE! CHANGE is our FRIEND!

Meanwhile, Bethany in Bakersfield, California still isn’t quite sure what to make of this note, which she found on her desk one morning at work. (“Did someone start to write a message and get distracted two words in?” Or am I living my life in such a way that they simply can’t handle it any longer?”)

Bethany, Please change

related: A little bit of psycho-therapy

Tags: California · now that's management · office · Tucson

Colonel Mustard? Meet Major Peteve.

June 9th, 2011 · 71 Comments

“As far as I know,” says Meagan in Ohio, “my boss, an early-40s white lady named Sandee, is a native English speaker.” I made sure to double-check with Meaghan on this, because, well — just read the thing.

As everyone knows major peteve of mine open wine bottles in cooler goes in a certain spot.

As Meagan points out, her boss “does not seem to understand that the pet peeve is the thing you shouldn’t do…or that ‘peteve’ is not a thing…or really, anything. How could you hit ‘print’ on this?”

Except to underline the fact that Meagan’s place of employment is a winery — one where open bottles of wine seem have to have a tendency to be strewn about willy-nilly — I must say I have no idea.

related: My pet peeve

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · now that's management · spelling and grammar police · WTF? · You call that punctuation?

No Bowl Movements Allowed

April 25th, 2011 · 34 Comments

From Jake in Richmond…another one for the “WTF?” files.

Please Do NOT Attempt To Move The Toilet! Thanks, Management.

related: All MALES using this toilet must sit.

Tags: now that's management · restaurant · Richmond · toilet · WTF?

The Year of the Rabbit is off to a lucky start!

February 10th, 2011 · 37 Comments

…at least that’s the spin the managers of this Atlanta restaurant are going with.

Great news! Terminated one server today! More shifts for others, keep up the good work!  Len & Lili

(Thanks to Nicole and her friend Sam for submitting.)

related: Recession incentive plan

Tags: Atlanta · fired · now that's management · restaurant

Clues that you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

January 20th, 2011 · 53 Comments

1. Your explanation for the following: “It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.”

"Employee Suggestion Box" (a.k.a. the office paper shredder)

2. At this point, it’s every zombie for himself.

Dear Sudoku Thief, NOT COOL! Of all the things in this office to steal, you chose a Sudoku book. You have deprived a terribly bored person of their only mind-saving activity at work. -Pissed Off Sudoku Puzzler

3. Even the visual metaphors have given up.

Morale Plant: As it Grows, So Will Company Morale. Looks like all the pilots whining and crying is killing the morale plant.

4. And those noises you’re hearing? That’s actually the sound of your life force slowly leaching out of your body.

Sighing is Contagious! Please keep your sighs to yourself! Share smiles not sighs!

(Thanks to Marcus in Indiana, David in California, Bunny in Florida, and anonymous in New York for their soul-sucking submissions.)

related: Motivational posters for a down economy

Tags: most popular notes of 2011 · now that's management · office

The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party Rules

December 5th, 2010 · 44 Comments

Our submitter spotted this amazing stream-of-consciousness manifesto inside a small tea shop in Hertfordshire, U.K. “I especially like the lack of punctuation, constantly shifting tone, and preachy generalizations,” she says. “Apparently it’s not enough to simply request that customers wipe their feet or use a trash can — it’s necessary to subject them to a generational guilt trip as well.”

No Muddy Boots - Switch off mobile phones - Keep young Children Seated  What ever next!!!  It is worth reminding ourselves why it is we feel compelled to introduce restrictions and notices of any sort on our customers.  We can assure you that we would rather not!!!  The problem seems to be that we as a society we appear to have less respect for each other than in previous generations.  For example should it really be necessary to have a rule banning people from walking through the tearoom in muddy boots or to request mobile phone be switched off or to have a notice for the Ladies Loo -  Apparently so............  Ladies, PLEASE Use the Sanitary Disposal Bags for relevant items And place in the green bin that has been provided for this sole purpose  DO NOT Flush the disposable bag or any other item that has not gone through your system down our Old and very sensitive system!!!  (Its just not nice - the exception being the loo paper)  Perhaps we should simply have a customer code of conduct that reminds every one to consider others at all times

related: That must be some damn good coffee…

Tags: "customer service" · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · kids today · now that's management · restaurant · U.K.