Facebook: always there to remind you of all the fun you’re not having.

related: Socializing (you’re doing it wrong)

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Diaries, people. Pen and ink. Lock and key. Not on the Internet for everyone to see (and cringe over)!

related: dirty, dirty bridesmaids

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Pitchfork gave this performance by Patrick (“guy in a band”) and A (“friend of guy in band”) — a 7.2. Be sure to read from the bottom up!

related: perfect for each other

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Writes our submitter in Lexington, Kentucky: “One day, I updated my Facebook status to something about how no one in my city knows how to properly use a turning lane. The next day, I got this e-mail from my mom. She often makes similar judgments about what personality traits I should have because I’m ‘such [...]

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“Oh boy,” thought Emily in New York, when she saw this mini-drama unfold on her newsfeed. “I can’t even imagine; if my dad found out that I was engaged via Facebook, there would be hell to pay.”  (Luckily, she says, “my dad has no idea how to use Facebook, or as he calls it, ‘the [...]

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As an early holiday gift to you, I present the current leading candidate in the race for “douchecanoe of the year”…

UPDATE: Our anonymous tipster passes along this follow-up status update, adding, “The best part about this situation is that, by posting her latest status update, she just encouraged more people to come see how rude [...]

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Maybe ’cause it would only draw more attention to douche-canoes like these.

related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists
extra credit: how to add a dislike button to facebook [lifehacker]

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Writes our anonymous submitter: “I know Carl to have done exactly what she’s saying — cheat on her and lie to the girls saying he didn’t have a girlfriend. But still, a mass e-mail? Really? I’m not even on her friends list…so did she send it to his friends?” (The “k-hole,” by the way, reportedly [...]

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Seriously, how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____ right now?  (you fill in the blank)

Next year, I think this guy and this girl should collaborate on a gigantic fucking birthday pity party.
related: you know, I’m getting input here that is relatively hostile
extra credit: Facebook is for narcissists

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Even more dangerous than friending your parents on Facebook?  Friending a) your boss and b) the cubicle-mate you kinda can’t stand.
exhibit a)

exhibit b)

exhibit c)

exhibit d) via “the internet”

related: busted by facebook
extra credit: study says facebook is like totally ruining your life …and gonna get you fired [mashable]

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While returning a long-lost battery charger, Kaitlin’s Dad echoes the sentiments of parents with adult children everywhere.

Meanwhile, Sarah in Greenville, S.C. shows the downside of giving in to parents’ nagging for unfettered access.

related: why you should not be facebook friends with your parents

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As always, Facebook users are keepin’ it classy.

related: tant pis, mon amie
extra credit: stfu, marrieds

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…because there’s no measure of self-worth more important than the public acknowledgment that you were, in fact, born.

related: but…but…i didn’t forget!

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“A few days after changing my status to single,” writes Meg in Red Deer, Alberta, “Facebook proves to be the creep I always knew it was.”

(Jordon is the ex-boyfriend.)

related: reason #784 why you should never list your relationship status in your facebook profile

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I’m having a hard time deciding who in this group of geniuses most deserves a smack in the head first. To make it easier, I’m going to tell myself that Krystal is using some new kind of ironic dialect of homophone-swapping slang. And Jennalyn…well, her name is Jennalyn, and therefore I think it’s safe to [...]

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Our anonymous submitter was mildly amused when he noticed this little hypothetical how-to pop up in his Facebook feed. But the real kicker, he realized, is that the one person tagged in the note happens to be (ouch) the notewriter’s current roommate.

Adds our submitter: “To my surprise, the girl never commented on it, but I’m [...]

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Writes Halley in Idaho: “Yeahhh, that’s my mom and my grandpa right there. (This is what happens when old people join Facebook.)”

related: busted by facebook
extra credit: facebook embroidery

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Facebook’s new “I like this” feature doesn’t allow you to give “thumbs down” to your friends’ status updates or posted links — a boon to both the supportive, snap-cup-loving, kindergarten-teacher-types on your friends list and the die-hard passive-aggressives on your frenemies list!

The even bigger “ouch”?

related: reason #784 why you should never list your relationship status [...]

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See, kids: this is what happens when you live in the awkward part of the Venn diagram where “Facebook friends” and “real friends” don’t overlap.

related: making time for the important things in life…like facebook apps
extra credit: bank intern busted by facebook [valleywag]

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Writes our anonymous submitter: “This girl invited every single one of her friends on Facebook into a ‘forum’ to plan for her birthday celebrations…six months in advance.”

The kicker? within a few hours, our submitter says, almost everyone had already RSVP’d.

related: an occasion Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate

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Writes Liz in Dublin: “I’m submitting a message I received via Facebook to show that while Facebook is a great place to reconnect with old friends, it is an even better place to reopen decade-old wounds of teenage angst.”
Explains Liz: “The e-mailer and I never spoke in high school, and I thought it was odd [...]

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“There’s a lot of foot traffic at a certain computer lab at our university,” says our submitter in Ypsilanti, Michigan, “but it can only seat 30 at a time.”
In order to (in theory) alleviate the problem, and in practice, to give waiting students some new clip art to focus their rage upon, the university posted [...]

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The icing on top here, says our submitter, is the second comment — the one from Billy. Why? Because, well, that’s the guy Slade just broke up with.
Adds our submitter: “Awkward pretty much sums it up.”

related: please pick up your dirty laundry asap

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Today’s Facebook Friday submission comes from an anonymous onlooker in College Park, <aryland. (read from the bottom up.)

related: I challenge you to an emoticon-off!

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Writes our anonymous submitter: “Amie and I were friends since junior high. We had plans to go out for my 22nd birthday, but she canceled the day of. I said it was cool and that we should reschedule, and then I never heard from her again…until four years later, when she requested me as a [...]

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