Diaries, people. Pen and ink. Lock and key. Not on the Internet for everyone to see (and cringe over)!

related: dirty, dirty bridesmaids

Pitchfork gave this performance by Patrick (“guy in a band”) and A (“friend of guy in band”) — a 7.2. Be sure to read from the bottom up!

related: perfect for each other

Writes our submitter in Lexington, Kentucky: “One day, I updated my Facebook status to something about how no one in my city knows how to properly use a turning lane. The next day, I got this e-mail from my mom. She often makes similar judgments about what personality traits I should have because I’m ‘such a pretty girl.’”

Annoying? Sure. But aside from the irritating Momsian/Victorian conflation of physical/moral beauty, I think I’m actually on Team Mom for this one. (Of course, had I received a similar e-mail from my own mom, I’d hardly be so clear-eyed. Such is the nature of the mother/daughter dynamic!)

related: Living with an adolescent, abridged

“Oh boy,” thought Emily in New York, when she saw this mini-drama unfold on her newsfeed. “I can’t even imagine; if my dad found out that I was engaged via Facebook, there would be hell to pay.”  (Luckily, she says, “my dad has no idea how to use Facebook, or as he calls it, ‘the Face Space.’”)

Meanwhile, writes our submitter in Austin, “I knew my brother and sister-in-law were debating another baby, and I was quite aggravated to think this is how I was going to find out.” But instead…

related: Why you really shouldn’t be facebook friends with your parents

As an early holiday gift to you, I present the current leading candidate in the race for “douchecanoe of the year”…

UPDATE: Our anonymous tipster passes along this follow-up status update, adding, “The best part about this situation is that, by posting her latest status update, she just encouraged more people to come see how rude and greedy she is!”

related: Facebook wedding drama

extra credit: DISLIKE!

Maybe ’cause it would only draw more attention to douche-canoes like these.

related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists

extra credit: how to add a dislike button to facebook [lifehacker]

Writes our anonymous submitter: “I know Carl to have done exactly what she’s saying — cheat on her and lie to the girls saying he didn’t have a girlfriend. But still, a mass e-mail? Really? I’m not even on her friends list…so did she send it to his friends?” (The “k-hole,” by the way, reportedly refers to the apartment in which Carl lives.)

related: When targeted advertising on Facebook goes terribly, horribly wrong

Seriously, how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____ right now?  (you fill in the blank)

Next year, I think this guy and this girl should collaborate on a gigantic fucking birthday pity party.

related: you know, I’m getting input here that is relatively hostile

extra credit: Facebook is for narcissists