Every day, you watch them, in horror: Those vile, germ-laden, nether-region-wiping creatures who don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Confronting the offenders directly wouldn’t work, because, well, you’re passive-aggressive, and that’s just not how you roll. So what to do next?

Well, you could dazzle them with some accusatory statistics…

…or attempt to appeal to the altruists in the audience.

And maybe try to lure in the sports fans with the promise of some fun trivia!

If they see through that little scheme, you could try patronizing your patrons outright…

…or just straight-up treat them like four-year-olds. (“Did you wash your hands?” “Yes.” “DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?” “I said yes!!!”)

Perhaps even a dash of reverse psychology?

Of course, those less-straightforward techniques just might just backfire on you.  In that case, you could play the bully with THE CLIP ART THAT MUST BE STOPPED.

Or, if your clip-art collection is a bit larger…release the dragon!

Not scary enough? Maybe it’s time to bust out the F word.

Or the even scarier F-word: FECAL-ORAL.

And if that still doesn’t work? Well, I guess you’ll just have to flounce away, invest in some latex gloves, and vow to hold it ’til you get home.

(Thanks to Jen in Houston, Jenni in Spokane, Marley in Pittsburgh, Lindsey in Memphis, Laura in Richmond, and the many anonymous submitters for their contributions.)

related: Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance

extra credit:  “On Washing Hands,” by Atul Gawande

extra extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Hand Soap

Our submitter in Amherst, Massachusetts was heading to class at UMass one day when she saw no fewer than twelve of these signs posted throughout the hallways and doors of her apartment building.  “My neighbors had a fun time responding with comments all over them,” she says, at least for the day and half before they got taken down.

I think my favorite part of this one is the handwritten notes at the bottom. One neighbor suggests, “Perhaps you should talk to the people in this building instead of making them think you’re mean, dramatic and cowardly,” and the writer, pouty-faced, responds, “Well I have said this before and nobody listens.” (Unwritten response: “Boo-FUCKING-hoo. Sounds like somebody needs to get laid.” )

related: When parking gets political

So, apparently this is a thing.

At a service station in the U.K., as Kerrie from London noticed, personal safety is the justification.

At a University in Florida, it’s cleanliness.

Meanwhile, in Canada…

related: Nobody likes electric hand dryers (except for ZOMG the Dyson Airblade!!!)

More proof that — no matter how in the right you are — writing a note about it makes you kind of an airhose, too. Especially if you’re using Comic Sans.

From Elizabeth at CMU in Pittsburgh:

And from Drake at BYU in Provo, Utah:

related: Please pickup your prints pomptly

extra credit: The man behind Comic Sans [wsj.com]

At our submitter’s college dorm in Lexington, Kentucky, one of the RAs posts an inspirational quote on the bathroom door each week. When one of the residents questioned why those “thoughts/encouragements” always happened to come from the Bible, the RA responded with a new source of inspiration.

related: No bread and circuses! But maybe an ice cream social?

“This note magically appeared one day in our letter box late last year from an obviously unhappy neighbour,” says Anthony in Melbourne, Australia. “To this day we still don’t know the cat-hater, the cat owner, or the cat.”

related: Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

Is it executive exceptionalism at work here? Supreme lack of self-awareness? A wicked sense of humor? You decide.

Exhibit a) from Reva in Reedsburg, Wisconsin

Exhibit b) from Peggy at the University of New Brunswick

Exhibit c) from Jess in San Francisco

related: Please respect my fellow employees and stop leaving notes

Writes Brittney in California: “Apparently, my mom’s boyfriend was stuck with an insufficient amount of toilet paper, and being passive aggressive (because he really is) he decides to write a note about it and stick it on the mirror, rather than confront her.”

Mom’s response?

And, in the end….everybody loses!

related: I’m not here to wipe your dirty butt