Entries Tagged as 'restaurant'

Service with a snarl

August 23rd, 2010 · 77 Comments

Fact: Working in a customer service position that necessitates long-term exposure to one’s fellow humans carries a significant risk of developing acute, potentially incurable, misanthropy. And if you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere, treatment is especially hard to find.

Exhibit a) From a roadside store in “the armpit of California, as witnessed on separate occasions by both Dirk and Danielle

We have no choice but to be here. We have already spent a fortune on this business. In order to run this business in the middle of nowhere it costs us a fortune. You have a choice to be a customer or not. Thank you for not complaining to our employees. We are here to serve you.

We have no choice but to be here. We have already spent a fortune on this business. In order to run this business in the middle of nowhere it costs us a fortune. You have a choice to be a customer or not. Thank you for not complaining to our employees. We are here to serve you.

Exhibit b) From a NON-fast food restaurant in the backwaters of Louisiana

Without any further notice: Prices subject to change without notifying the customer, yes you the customer. No refunds or exchange...once you order, once we start cooking,NO refunds or exchange. Includes anything in the store that's for sale. WE ARE NOT FAST FOOD WE ARE NOT FAST FOOD

Exhibit c) From a diner in a speck of a town called Endicott, Nebraska. (Adds submitter Jill: “They also have a stuffed two-headed calf!”)

Notice! This is not Burger King. You get it my way or you don't get the son-of-a-bitch at all

related: How’s that for a low price guarantee?

Tags: "customer service" · restaurant · retail hell

A supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again

May 23rd, 2010 · 89 Comments

Jessica from Halifax was perusing the comment board of a small restaurant on Salt Spring Island, B.C. when she  spotted this tasty tale of shellfish-related woe.

Food was great!! But, I got six prawns, and she only got two. She demanded two off of my plate. I didn't like her attitude, so I said no. She said

Meanwhile, Charlie found this scary story (and the impressively deadpan response) pinned to the comment board at the River Street Whole Foods in Cambridge, Mass.

Love this Whole Foods, best in Boston. However, the carrots are too pointy and long. It's intimidating. Can you shorten them and make them less scary?

related: The EGG SALAD BAN

Tags: Boston · British Columbia · faint praise · food · restaurant · thanks (but not really) · Too good to be real?

Did you wash your hands? Well, did ya, punk?

May 13th, 2010 · 139 Comments

Every day, you watch them, in horror: Those vile, germ-laden, nether-region-wiping creatures who don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Confronting the offenders directly wouldn’t work, because, well, you’re passive-aggressive, and that’s just not how you roll. So what to do next?

Well, you could dazzle them with some accusatory statistics…

97% of females say they wash their hands...Only 75% really do...Did you wash your hands?

…or attempt to appeal to the altruists in the audience.

Interested in a community service opportunity??? Wash your hands! Do it for the rest of us! :)

And maybe try to lure in the sports fans with the promise of some fun trivia!

Question: What is the overall record of wins and losses for Georgia versus Florida in football? To find out the answer, please wash your hands!

If they see through that little scheme, you could try patronizing your patrons outright…

Employees MUST wash hands before returning to work.Patrons SHOULD wash hands before returning to their tables.

…or just straight-up treat them like four-year-olds. (“Did you wash your hands?” “Yes.” “DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?” “I said yes!!!”)

Did you wash your hands? DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

Perhaps even a dash of reverse psychology?

Jimmy the Germ says: 1) TOUCH your nose, eyes and mouth OFTEN! 2) DON'T wash your hands with soap! 3) NEVER wash your hands for more than 30 seconds! 4) NEVER use Sanitizing Hand Gel! LET'S ALL HELP JIMMY SURVIVE!

Of course, those less-straightforward techniques just might just backfire on you.  In that case, you could play the bully with THE CLIP ART THAT MUST BE STOPPED.

WASH THOSE HANDS!

Or, if your clip-art collection is a bit larger…release the dragon!

Excuse me but could you please wash your hands so I don't have to sanitize the germs with my fire.

Not scary enough? Maybe it’s time to bust out the F word.

Flu season is back!!!! Please wash your hands before leaving the bathroom. (Washing hands is optional off season.)

WASH YOUR HANDS! You could same someone's life, OR you could cause someone's death. Yes, that means you.

Or the even scarier F-word: FECAL-ORAL.

Why wash your hands? It's the #1 activity that can reduce disease transmission! It reduces the spread of colds, flu, and bacterial conjunctivitis (

And if that still doesn’t work? Well, I guess you’ll just have to flounce away, invest in some latex gloves, and vow to hold it ’til you get home.

Several people are complaining that People on this floor are using the restroom and they are NOT washing their hands. Dirty hands spread disease. Please wash your hands. If you don't believe in washing your hands, please refrain from touching the copier, the coffee pot, the ice machine, door handles, the elevator button....etc. Please respect others around you and wash your hands! Thank you

(Thanks to Jen in Houston, Jenni in Spokane, Marley in Pittsburgh, Lindsey in Memphis, Laura in Richmond, and the many anonymous submitters for their contributions.)

related: Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance

extra credit:  “On Washing Hands,” by Atul Gawande

extra extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Hand Soap


Tags: "helpful" advice · a little patronizing · bullet points · clip art catastrophe · hygiene · office · rebuttals · restaurant · reverse psychology · rhetorical question · washing your hands

In case you were wondering why we’re closed

May 10th, 2010 · 75 Comments

…the proprietors of this Toronto bar will leave you pondering some different questions instead.

TONITE: SUNDAY 25th BANGBANG BAR IS CLOSED DUE TO FEMALE TEMPERMENT [sic] ISSUES

Meanwhile, as Will observed, a Shell station in Austin apparently abides by a similar “honesty is the best” policy.

Due To Tonyas drug habbit [sic] store will be Closed

…as does a shopping center in Tyler, Texas, where Erin spotted this explanation (on a 100-degree July day).

Temporarily closed Due to Shopping Center Mgmt. Refusal To Repair 32 Year Old A/C Unit.

Similar venting was on display at a store in Ironton, Ohio. (“For the record, I cannot validate whether or not the ‘oner’ was an in fact an asshole,” says submitter Meagan.)

CLOSED FOREVER DUE TO ASSHOLE ONER [sic]

And smetimes, of course, brutal honesty isn’t enough.

Sorry, we are CLOSED due to short staff. (Hire taller staff cause I need a taco!)

So really, why bother with an explanation at all?

Not Sorry

Fuck off we're closed

related: Closed for good! Remember that the cheese loved you more than you loved it.

Tags: "customer service" · bar · don't blame us · drugs · most popular notes of 2010 · Norway · Ohio · raging against the machine · restaurant · retail hell · spelling and grammar police · Texas · Toronto

If you could summarize BYU culture in one note…

February 7th, 2010 · 92 Comments

At least a half-dozen submitters (including Spencer, Kelsae, and Mark) would pick this one — from a pizzeria in Provo, Utah.

“For those who don’t know, “lower kingdoms” comes from Mormon theology, where they believe that people are sorted out into three kingdoms instead of the traditional heaven and hell option,” Kelsae says.

Adds Spencer: “There’s a stack of plastic cups in the public’s reach for use either for water or soda, depending on whether you paid or not. The influence this business avers on final judgment, combined with overt Mormon theology  (the the staff signatures include both Captain Moroni and Nephite #2) made me both wince and chuckle.”

PLEASE BE HONEST AND PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS  BESIDES, IS IT REALLY WORTH $1.59 TO SPEND ETERNITY IN ONE OF THE LOWER KINGDOMS?  YOUR INTEGRITY MATTERS MOST WHEN IT COMES TO THE "LITTLE" DISHONESTIES [sic]. SO THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION! P.S. REFILLS ARE FREE! f you could pick one picture to summarize the culture at BYU...

related: nosy Provo neighbors

Tags: beverages · Jesus · Provo · restaurant · Utah · you're like so going to hell

I think this is the best costume for today.

February 3rd, 2010 · 79 Comments

Noah in Richmond, Virginia spotted this earnest plea in the bathroom of “a funky little coffee shop” on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. “The sign was also on a bulletin board in the middle of the shop as well,” he says — “just in case the thief was avoiding the scene of the crime.”

And if you doubt Edie’s ability to get aggressive on your personal-art-piece-thievin’ ass, just wait ’til she catches you in the act. We’ll see how your bathroom art collection looks when she’s through with you!

To the Person(s) who keeps stealing my own personal art pieces from this bathroom... Someday this will happen to you, and you will then know just how hurtful it is! Please...You snuck them out... please be kind and thoughtful enough to sneak them back in... No questions asked. Thank you, Edie.

(I’d like to imagine the follow-up note going something like: “Damn it, Edie, no one wants to see your ‘personal art pieces.’ For the millionth time…FLUSH!“)

related: Get your “nozzle” off my “hose”

Tags: art · ellipses-crazed · North Carolina · restaurant · stealing · WTF?

The Sushi Nazi

October 14th, 2009 · 167 Comments

Jack in Baltimore spotted this notice at a Maryland Chinese restaurant with a $7 all-you-can-eat sushi buffet.  (Overall, a pretty good deal, Jack says…if you’re comfortable the idea of eating “discount” raw fish.) But while most all-you-can eat buffets make their margins by filling you up with a bounty of cheap carbolicious fare, that strategy doesn’t seem to be working out too well here.  (Either that, or the proprietors here are pretty hardcore purists about the consumption — if not the spelling — of their nigiri sushi.)

No sushi for you!

I’d like to imagine this sign (source: “the Internet”) as the next in the series.

Rice Dick

related: the all-you-can-spell buffet

Tags: Maryland · restaurant

The Patty Hearst of fish

October 7th, 2009 · 164 Comments

Laura in Los Angeles spotted this note at a tropical-themed family restaurant in Rosemead, California, where aquariums figure heavily into the decor. The biggest fish, Laura says, occupies his (her?) own tank at the front of the restaurant.

Piscine body image issues aside, as a former casual-dining restaurant hostess  — a job that generally means bearing the brunt of the bullshit from pissy customers, stressed-out servers, and douche-nozzle managers with very little power to make anyone happy — I can certainly empathize with the note writer…though I highly doubt it’s actually eliminated the litany of  the “oh, that poor fish!” comments that inspired it.

Hi! My name is Rufus (or Rufina) I am 32 years old! I have been in this tank my whole life and I LOVE it here! Please don't say I need a bigger tank, it just makes me feel FAT! (I can't afford therapy!) I am fine really!!!!

passiveaggressivenotes.com: help, my fish has stockholm syndrome!

related: no, yuppie, my cow’s not starving

Tags: anthropomorphism · California · exclamation-point happy!!!! · fish · restaurant

Gone, but not bitter or anything

August 30th, 2009 · 156 Comments

Writes Marni in Brooklyn: “We tried this restaurant back when they first opened. The food was pretty bad, it took forever to arrive, and I believe our waitress quit or was fired (either way, there was some yelling) during our meal.

“Many gimmicks involving morning coffee were attempted, but the signage made the food look really unappealing, the type of cuisine was unclear, and there are so many restaurants in Park Slope that if you can’t stand out for good reasons, you’re just not going to succeed. Trying to make the neighborhood feel guilty about it ain’t gonna work.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean they won’t try!

closed sign from Delicious on the Slope in Park Slope, Brooklyn

Another small business CLOSED FOR GOOD, as spotted by the ulterior epicure in Lawrence, Kansas:

remember the cheese loved you more than you loved it, from Lawrence, Kansas

And by Erich in London, Ontario:

yet another business closed due to urban sprawl

And in Tyler, Texas:

Thank you for not shopping at Circuit City

related: Top five musical crimes perpetrated by record store customers in the 90s and 2000s

Tags: guilt trip · restaurant · retail hell · thanks (but not really)

Iron-ic Chef America

August 4th, 2009 · 205 Comments

Writes our anonymous submitter: “I own a restaurant, and the writer of the note is a college student who has worked for me for a while now.  Yesterday, her pal flatly refused to put on her uniform (a chef coat) and I was so tired of her shenanigans that I roared at her right before service to get out. I was actually surprised that the writer of the note didn’t ‘sympathy quit’ right then, but her professionalism clearly shines through in this note.”

Why do you hate the planet?

p.p.p.p.s. God, I hope this girl shows up on a Bravo/Food Network reality show. I need more of this delicious naivete!

related: this shit is bananas

Tags: butterflies are so passive-aggressive · farewell letter · nice stationery · p.s. · restaurant · The Earth