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Entries Tagged as 'retail hell'

Could you spare a tissue for the lady?

August 18th, 2010 · 58 Comments

When Sal spotted this notice at an athletic clothing store in San Diego, he says that while he couldn’t quite picture how a tissue would get the job done in this situation — not to mention how this policy came to be —  “I figured it was best not to ask questions.”

Ladies...if you happen to have forgotten your undies, please ask us for a tissue. We would appreciate it if you didn't try on our apparel commando!

Meanwhile, when I first read this sign — from a club in Vancouver — my first thought was, “Well, that seems like a reasonable enough request.” Our submitter, Cherisse, begs to differ. “Sadly, there is no bathroom backstage,” she explains, ” wnd when a girl’s gotta go, sometimes the other end of the club is a long ways a way.” She adds: “If it wasn’t for the used paper towels being left outside, no one ever would have known.”


So… like Sal, I’m gonna say it’s probably best not to ask too many questions about this one.

related: “Who leaves their panties in the bathroom at work?  Who does that?”

Tags: actually totally reasonable · bold-underlined-caps · hygiene · piss · retail hell · San Diego · Vancouver · WTF?

The dos and don’ts of “Do not touch”

August 12th, 2010 · 52 Comments

Nadia in Greensboro, North Carolina spotted this gem of a “you break it, you buy it” specimen at a local thrift store. “Apparently,” she writes, “Secondhand Punctuation Has Its Drawbacks? You Can’t Pick And Choose? You Have To Make Do With What You Have On Hand? Handwritten Notes Are Not Exceptions?”

Please Ask For Assistance Before Touching? If You Break You Buy?

The D.C. tourist trap that Amy visited took a less tentative tack with its signage, though I doubt the “four times is better than one” approach is any more effective.

warning Kids do not touch Kids do not touch Kids do not touch Kids do not touch You break and you will pay full price.. no exceptions

These two stores, on the other hand, pretty much nail it with reverse psychology.

Go ahead, put your mouth all over these, everybody else does. God weeds out the weak.


related: As Davy Crockett once said…

Tags: bad sales pitch · confusion??? · New Jersey · retail hell · reverse psychology · touching · unnecessary "quotation marks"

God’s word is…well, a little confusing, at least for a 7-year-old.

July 18th, 2010 · 49 Comments

Larissa in Tacoma, Washington recently sent her 7-year-old son, Silas, to a week of Bible camp. When he came home, Larissa says, she wondered if the experience hadn’t left him a bit…conflicted…especially after seeing the pillow he made during craft time.

(“Rouls,” by the way, is not Silas’s last name. That’s the 7-year-old spelling of “RULES.”)

Silas [rules] —  God's Word is Comforting —  DOOM

Meanwhile, I can see how the sign below, from a candy store in Rayne, Louisiana — which I assume was intended to deter this theft — could easily send a particular type of child into a tailspin of religious guilt.

Is God smiling? How do I know if God’s smiling? Does God like chocolate? I don’t think chocolate’s in the Bible. But Proverbs says: ‘My child, eat honey, for it is good.’ So maybe I should get a Bit o’ Honey instead. But a Bit o’ Honey costs more than 50 cents, and Mom said I could only spend 50 cents. So then I’d be dishonoring my parents, and that wouldn’t make God happy. So maybe I should…maybe I should….[bursts into tears]

Remember...God is watching you. Is He smiling or is He sad?

related: What Would Jesus Do for a Klondike Bar?

Tags: candy · God · guilt trip · Jesus · kids · Louisiana · not so much passive-aggressive · retail hell · Tacoma

In case you were wondering why we’re closed

May 10th, 2010 · 75 Comments

…the proprietors of this Toronto bar will leave you pondering some different questions instead.


Meanwhile, as Will observed, a Shell station in Austin apparently abides by a similar “honesty is the best” policy.

Due To Tonyas drug habbit [sic] store will be Closed

…as does a shopping center in Tyler, Texas, where Erin spotted this explanation (on a 100-degree July day).

Temporarily closed Due to Shopping Center Mgmt. Refusal To Repair 32 Year Old A/C Unit.

Similar venting was on display at a store in Ironton, Ohio. (“For the record, I cannot validate whether or not the ‘oner’ was an in fact an asshole,” says submitter Meagan.)


And smetimes, of course, brutal honesty isn’t enough.

Sorry, we are CLOSED due to short staff. (Hire taller staff cause I need a taco!)

So really, why bother with an explanation at all?

Not Sorry

Fuck off we're closed

related: Closed for good! Remember that the cheese loved you more than you loved it.

Tags: "customer service" · bar · don't blame us · drugs · most popular notes of 2010 · Norway · Ohio · raging against the machine · restaurant · retail hell · spelling and grammar police · Texas · Toronto

What does “fashion forward” mean to you?

April 29th, 2010 · 95 Comments

When you work in the fashion business — like our submitter, a sales associate at a trendy boutique — being “fashion forward” often translates to just “forward.”

What does Fashion Forward mean to you? I challenge you to ask yourself......Is the outfit your wearing acceptable for hanging out or grocery shopping? If your answer to this is YES this means YOUR UNDERDRESSED! Please remember that this is our business, we are in the fashion business! We are not afraid to be forward in fashion. WE are fashion forward.

Or (like Lisa‘s coworker), straight-up bitchy.

Please — never wear that outfit in my presence or I will explode.

Sometimes (as Rhonda in Boston noticed) working in fashion is somewhat akin to being, say, a life coach.

Please do not have a fit in the fitting room. Your fashion life begins here.

Or, just as likely…a drug counselor.

Hello, We know you are doing coke in the bathroom. Please stop, Jesus loves you. Shamon

related: Yo, sweaty beasts!

Tags: "customer service" · attire · drugs · retail hell · your/you're

“Really, Honey. Take your time!”

April 9th, 2010 · 118 Comments

Gail in Pennsylvania says the Ann Taylor Loft store at her local mall has a small table stocked with paper and crayons — “an offering to the busy mother who has been forced to bring her pesky little children along for a shopping trip.”

When she took a closer look at the table’s scribblings, however, she had to chuckle at the sitcom-like image of a grown man stuffed into one those kiddie-sized chairs. Adds Gail: “I wonder if Greg’s wife ever saw her wonderful husband’s little PA note to the world? Well, here’s her chance!”

Greg was here waiting 'PATIENTLY' for his wife to try clothes on

related: Happy reinforcing gender stereotypes day!

Tags: actually totally reasonable · battle of the sexes · martyr complex · message to all intended for one · Pennsylvania · retail hell · sig o

The snotty video store clerk lives!

April 8th, 2010 · 66 Comments

Sure, Redbox and Netflix may have been the death of their former stomping grounds. Yet as Erin in San Diego noticed while shopping for DVDs at her local Best Buy, at least one of those condescending cinephiles has condescended to grace us with her presence (and her oh-so-artistic ampersands?) in big-box land.

New/Seasonal people- or a careless media person,

Meanwhile, as Ali noticed, a Blockbuster in Calgary seems to be having similar HR problems.

Now Hiring Please no dinosaurs with clever human costumes- fool me once, shame on you...

related: Do we look like the kind of store that sells “I just called to say I love you”?

Tags: a little patronizing · Calgary · retail hell · San Diego

How’s that for a low price guarantee?

March 16th, 2010 · 119 Comments

Wayne and his son were watching the Kite Festival in Huntington Beach, California when they noticed these signs outside a shop on the pier. Says Wayne: “It was a cool store.”

LOW PRICE GUARANTEE  We guarantee that you can ALWAYS find something for at least a little less than what you bought it for if you look long and hard enough. What's the point? You're here now.


HAGGLING POLICY  You're in Huntington Beach, Tijuana is about 3 hours south. Our pricing is excellent, and our service is even better. However, if you still want to try for entertainment value, we always enjoy an exceptional effort.

Approved Discounts

related: Just plane rude

Tags: "customer service" · blitzkrieg approach · CAPS LOCK · most popular notes of 2010 · retail hell

Just, you know, [TMI] FYI

March 5th, 2010 · 77 Comments

Alexandra and her best friend David were thrift-store shopping in Memphis, Tennessee when they spotted this sign (in the restroom, this time…not the fitting room).

What I love about this one is that, unlike most of its kind, this notice doesn’t issue any kind of directive (e.g. “Hey nitwits, don’t flush the merchandise!!!”), nor does it directly address the salient issue at hand (Does the toilet actually work now, or not?). Because, really, a simple “Out of Order” sign would have sufficed, if the latter were the case. Instead, it’s just like, “This one time, at band camp…”

SomeOne wiped with Childs T-Shirt and placed in Comode [sic] and flushed - rendering plumbing completely clogged. Thank-you

In place of “Thank You,” I think it should say “The End.” Or maybe: “Who the hell wipes with a child’s T-shirt?!”

related: What is it about thrift store dressing rooms?

Tags: all clogged up · retail hell · spelling and grammar police · Tennessee · TMI · toilet

Unattended children will be shot.

September 13th, 2009 · 135 Comments

As previously discussed, this hamfisted attempt at wit remains the scourge of retail establishments the world over.

at least it doesn't say "expresso"

As it turns out, the umpteen-million variations are even more hilariously clever!

For example, while the original version merely confuses a lot of people, this one just seems like a bizarre incentive for child abandonment.

Children left unattended will receive a free kitten

Quickly, however, things start to get very un-p.c. (And also…very creepy.)

Unattended children will be sold to Gypsies

This version, in fact, is almost as popular as the original. (Other examples here and here and here and here and here and…is that a machete?)

Unattended children will be sold as slaves

Child slavery? Now that’s comedy gold. But really, why stop there? Why not “unattended children will be trafficked into child prostitution”? “Unattended children will be sold to pedophiles”? Or anally probed? or…

Unattended children will be placed on hooks (and tortured)

unattended children will be served as sausage

All unattended children will be thrown in the dumpster

Hilarious, right?

related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry

Tags: kids · kinda creepy · most popular notes of 2009 · oh no you didn't · retail hell