Writes an anonymous roommate  in Virginia: “Apparently living with me and my roommates is so terrible that after leaving the house, this girl felt the need to advise [my other] ‘rooms’ to stay at her boyfriend’s house and not with us.” Adds our (not-at-all bitter) submitter: “The only batteries she needs to recharge are the ones that go in her vibrator.”

related: Why can’t we all just get along? Don’t be bitches!

Really, folks? You share a kitchen and a bathroom, and this is all you’ve got to complain about?

::sigh:: White bread problems…

(Thanks to Sarah Jane in Australia and Michelle in Canada for submitting!)

related: Is this a thing now?

extra credit: Toasted Toast Post-it Notes [Amazon.com]

Elana in North Rustico, Canada spotted this tart exchange inside her friend Shannon’s fridge.

Shannon, no doubt hoping to avoid getting called out for interfering with her roommate’s yogurt supply, wrote the first note. Her roommate Michael, perhaps taking issue with the note’s mildly patronizing tone, fired back with his own written retort. And as for the yogurts? Yup, still in the fridge.

related: Who’s the smartass?

So, Jen in Ontario, Canada just moved into a new shared living arrangement…with a 50-something lady. “I thought having an older person as a roommate would more peaceful,” she explains. “Turns out I was wrong.” Communication skills, it seems, aren’t one of those things that necessarily improve with age.

Within a week of moving in, Jen says, there were “helpful instructions” taped up all around the house. After that, the notes just kept coming, accusing Jen of everything from filling the dishwasher with soy sauce to sabotaging the tea kettle — always book-ended by a “Pls” and “Thank you,” of course. Because that’s how mature adults act.

related: The Post-it Wars

Hey, here’s some advice! If you’re looking to improve your relationships with your roommates, communicating through the erasable whiteboard might not be the most effective way to go.

(Above, from a sorority house in L.A.; below, from a shared apartment in Chicago.)

related: Facebook, another poor medium for mediating roommate disputes

Our anonymous submitter in Berkeley found this display in the bathroom she shares with her other roommates. “I hasten to add that the Imodium is not mine and the note is not directed at me,” she says. “Admittedly, the probable owner of said Imodium does need to get her shit together.”

So…perhaps the Vaseline was intended to help the the note-writing roommate metaphorically remove the stick up her ass?

related: (Untitled) Broken Glass

It all started, says Alex in Ottawa, when his roommate left on a note on his door, “chewing me out for not paying my share of the cable bill.” In response, Alex says, “I pointed out that he actually owed me more money for the hydro bill. Not being the kinda guy who takes well to being wrong, before paying me he decided to dock another $20 off what he owed — for random things like a burger he grilled for me six months ago.”

Eventually, Alex says, cheapskate roommate broke down and left him the 20 bucks…but not before adding a personal inscription. (Hover your mouse over the image if you’re having trouble deciphering the handwriting.)

Adds Alex: “That part about ‘my egocentric belief that I am free from wrong’ actually describes him to a T, I think,” Alex adds. “But what do I know? I’m just a ‘sleezy cheap fucker,’ off to spend my newfound drinking money…probably on a pitcher to share with all my pals.

related: “Communication needed”

extra credit: [“Defaced Presidents” pool on flickr]

When someone starts hiding the formerly communal toilet paper, that’s typically the beginning of the end.

Exhibit a) From Liz in Brooklyn, New York: “My old roommate was a huge pain for a lot of reasons, but what really did it for me was when she would finish the roll of toilet paper and then hide the new roll in her room so only she could use it.” Before moving out, Liz left her roomie with this parting gift.

Exhibit b) From BK in Kansas City, Missouri: “My roommate wanted us to buy separate toilet paper because he thought I used a lot, which seemed kind of ridiculous to me. Then, when he ran out of toilet paper he would use mine. I took my toilet paper out of the bathroom so he couldn’t use it anymore. Then he wrote me a passive aggressive note saying I was passive-aggressive.”

Exhibit c) From LJ at Mississipi State University: “I have no idea why my roommate felt the need to hide the toilet paper  — it wasn’t like I was using it *excessively* or anything. A few days after this happened, we had to have a meeting mediated by the Residence Director, because they were pretty sure we were going to kill each other.”

related: I’m not here to wipe your dirty butt.

Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance

I’m sure these ladies thank their lucky stars every day that they have each other as roommates. Wouldn’t you?

related: Your trash stinks. Grow up, thanks.

So, which of these cutesy little rhymes is least likely to make you stab yourself in the eye?

Exhibit a) from an office break room in Atlanta, Georgia?

Exhibit b) from a college dorm suite in Winston-Salem, North Carolina?

Or — smiley-face-free! — exhibit c) from a share house full of frat boys in Los Angeles?

Still there? If so, you probably need a palate-cleanser after all those cringe-worthy couplets, so I’ll leave you with this delicate haiku from an office in Washington, D.C.

related: Scatological Poetry Slam