Entries Tagged as 'signed with love'

What’s harder than changing the toilet paper roll?

September 30th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Well…lots of stuff.

You! Yeah you! Listen, you know what’s really difficult? Lots of stuff. For example:  • Running a marathon • Faking your own death • Trekking across the arctic tundra • Wrestling grizzly bears • Living to be 118 years old • Building a rocket ship • Flying a rocket ship • Breaking out of jail • Swallowing 10 light bulbs • Sharpening 3 pencils simultaneously  Most people wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t accomplish these tasks. They’re hard.  You know what’s not very difficult?  • Replacing the toilet paper roll  All you gotta do is look in that cupboard to your right. There’s a whole bunch of new rolls in there. If not, there’s more in the storage room by the kitchen.  If you’re having trouble with the dispenser, fear not. It’s actually a pretty simple feat to master. All you have to do is grip onto the cylinder and pull on it in a direction parallel to the wall. You’ll notice that due to the spring mechanism inside the cylinder, there is now a space in which the cylinder can be removed, thereby freeing it from the wall-mounted assembly. Now simply slide a new roll of toilet paper onto the cylinder and reverse the cylinder-removal process so that it is securely fastened to the wall assembly. The new roll should be able to spin freely on the cylinder, ready for the next person to use.

And yet, somehow, the employees at this office in Edmonton still can’t quite make TP happen. (Maybe wrestling grizzlies is more their forte?)

You! Yeah you! Listen, you know what’s really difficult? Lots of stuff. For example:  • Running a marathon • Faking your own death • Trekking across the arctic tundra • Wrestling grizzly bears • Living to be 118 years old • Building a rocket ship • Flying a rocket ship • Breaking out of jail • Swallowing 10 light bulbs • Sharpening 3 pencils simultaneously  Most people wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t accomplish these tasks. They’re hard.  You know what’s not very difficult?  • Replacing the toilet paper roll  All you gotta do is look in that cupboard to your right. There’s a whole bunch of new rolls in there. If not, there’s more in the storage room by the kitchen.  If you’re having trouble with the dispenser, fear not. It’s actually a pretty simple feat to master. All you have to do is grip onto the cylinder and pull on it in a direction parallel to the wall. You’ll notice that due to the spring mechanism inside the cylinder, there is now a space in which the cylinder can be removed, thereby freeing it from the wall-mounted assembly. Now simply slide a new roll of toilet paper onto the cylinder and reverse the cylinder-removal process so that it is securely fastened to the wall assembly. The new roll should be able to spin freely on the cylinder, ready for the next person to use.

Perhaps a visual aid (like this one from a Los Angeles apartment share) would be helpful?

Changing the toilet paper roll: a visual guide

Or maybe just a bit more encouragement would push someone over the edge?

Very good! Every day, you get me a little closer to where I belong. Love, T.P.

(Probably not, though.)

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance

Tags: bathroom · Edmonton · Los Angeles · most popular notes of 2010 · New York · signed with love · toilet paper · visual aids

No, your children will never appreciate the weight you gained for them.

September 22nd, 2010 · 55 Comments

So, the other day, Olivia’s mother and aunt were having a conversation, and her Mom was fretting about how she’d been overeating this week and how she was going back on her diet the very next day and blahblahblahwhydon’tgrown-upsevertalkaboutanythinginteresting.

Olivia says this inspired her eavesdropping 7-year-old sister to post this helpful reminder where their Mom gets ready in the morning, just to make sure she wouldn’t forget!

mommy please do not eat to much. you must eat frutes and vechtubles. Love Amanda. and you will be butifle enitimes and you will be skiny all times.

related: Please don’t take this the wrong way, pregnant lady, but have you considered Weight Watchers?

Tags: "helpful" advice · heart · hey fatty · Houston · Mother-daughter notes · signed with love

How NOT to raise your neighborhood’s property values

September 19th, 2010 · 61 Comments

Tim lives in Northwest D.C., “at the front of the gentrification wave” flowing east from Dupont Circle. “We have (only) one rundown/uninhabited house on the block,” Tim says, “and this morning one of the other neighbors decided to mow the front lawn to tidy it’s appearance a bit.” While taking out the trash later that evening, Tim noticed that his neighbor’s good deed had been rewarded by this neighborly thank-you note.

Dear whoever mowed this lawm [sic], FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. If you're actually responsible for this property, clean up the fuck hobo shit laying around. The entrance to the cellar smells like 100% human feces. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES.

(As far as the smell goes…perhaps some people were under the same mistaken impression as those near this West Hollywood residence?)

This is a lawn, not a fucking diaper, thank you. Love, The people who live here

related: Gentrification is insanit(ar)y

Tags: D.C. · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · Los Angeles · odor · shit · signed with love · thanks (but not really) · that's disgusting · there goes the neighborhood

(Not) So Nice, (Not) So Smart

September 15th, 2010 · 58 Comments

Joe is an elementary school teacher in Long Beach, California. On the last day of summer school, he got this goodbye letter from one of his students. “It was really cute and sweet,” Joe says. “However, she does mention in the card that I am ‘not that smart.’ I asked her why she thought that, and apparently it’s because she saw me ask another teacher a question about grammar. Hilarious.”

You are so funny, and not that smart

Brandy in Citrus Heights, California received a note with a similar mixed message from her then-six-year-old daughter, who’s now 14. Really, I’m just glad just this letter wasn’t signed “love, your girlfriend.” Because that would not be cute.

I love you very much and you are very nice. I hope you stay with me forever and ever even though you are mean to me. I still love you! Love your daughter Ocean.

related: Mommy, I love you sometimes!!!!

extra credit: So Nice, So Smart [iLike]

Tags: California · kids · Mother-daughter notes · schools & teachers · signed with love

All the news that’s fit to steal

September 12th, 2010 · 82 Comments

“New York Times reader” didn’t become a right-wing synonym for “elitist” out of nowhere. As the newspaper itself proclaims, “Times readers are a well-educated group. They expect sophisticated coverage and literate prose.”

But how does that literate sophistication hold up when the Gray Lady goes a-missin’? Well, if “self-aggrandizing smugness” counts as sophistication and “almost free of basic spelling and grammar errors” counts as “literate”  — remarkably well, actually!  (That whole “i before e” thing is pretty tricky, after all.)

Exhibit a) From Alan in Washington, DC:

NOTICE TO WELL-READ 1809 THEIF [sic]  I would be grateful if you cease snatching my copy of the New York Times. If not, I shall have to cancel my subscription, which will deny us both the application. -JSS

Exhibit b) From an anonymous submitter in Lawrence, Kansas:

To the scumbag who keeps taking my New York Times as their own, I'm not impressed. you obviously are somewhat intelligent if you are inclined to read such a quality publication, but guess what dumbass,stealing is still wrong. I've paid for it and I'd like to read it. Kindly leave it here next time.

Exhibit c) From Elizabeth in Queens:

will the person who keeps stealing my times, please stop...we're neighbors here and i shouldn't have to worry about a theif [sic] in my home. if money is that tight buy the post. -stew

Unimpressed? Well, for the sake of comparison, let’s take a look at some notes by readers of less “sophisticated” newspapers. Like, say, the Washington Post:

ATTENTION SECOND FLOOR: NEWSPAPER THIEF ON THE LOOSE!!! I am so sick of my goddamn newspaper getting stolen every FUCKING day. I'm hiring Angela Lansbury to find out who you are, and I swear to God, she'll go BATSHIT CRAZY on your ass. I've caught a newspaper thief once, and I'll do it again. EAT SHIT YOU STUPID BITCH!

Adds Robin in DC: “This person has also posted several other notes making various threats, including a promise to fill their paper with feces and glitter.”

As much as I appreciate that imagery, it’s actually New York’s other status-symbol-paper that inspires my favorite note of this genre — primarily because it so perfectly captures the essence of the Patrick Bateman/Gordon Gekko-worshipping tool I imagine the writer to be.

Hey!! I've ordered the Wall Street Journal to be delivered here. Please stop taking it, or I'll break your fuckin' arms! Love, Harrison

Our submitter, meanwhile, found the note more puzzling than anything else. Writes Danielle: “What kind of boring person steals the Wall Street Journal?”

And that, dear readers, is a question for another day.

related: Free markets, free people, free papers

extra credit: Dear Neighbors, Read This Note! [nytimes.com]

Tags: CAPS LOCK · die bitch die · i before e · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · stealing

Welcome to the neighborhood. You’re totally screwing it up.

September 9th, 2010 · 148 Comments

Shortly after moving to Columbus, Ohio, Julie received a welcome-wagon visit from her new neighbors…in the form of a post-it note stuck to the side of her motorcycle. Her bike, which was parked on the public city street across from her house, had apparently disrupted the neighborhood’s unofficial parking “regimin.”

“I complied with the rules of their little microcosm,” Julie says, “but I also turned the note into an overhead, which was a real gold mine for the rhetoric class I was teaching at Ohio State.”

Hi, Welcome to the Neighborhod [sic]! Just wanted to Let you know that we all have a parking regimin [sic] and your Bike is totally screwing it up!!! Please park it on your side of the St. as we all have only 2 spaces in front of our homes. Thank you soooo Much!

Adds Julie: “Incidentally, when parked perpendicularly, a motorcycle uses roughly 2.5 feet of street.”

related:  I shoveled this spot. IT’S MINE.

Tags: Columbus · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · irregular capitalization · motorcycles · neighbors · parking · spelling and grammar police

Don’t touch my…stuff, you little piece of…stuff.

September 6th, 2010 · 49 Comments

Chad and Cassie might want to be careful what they wish for…lest someone be tempted to “return” something they didn’t actually borrow first.

Chad's Stuff DO NOT TOUCH! BRING YOUR OWN SHIT!

If you go as far as even touching my shit, I'll fucking kill you. [heart], Cassie  PS - Thanks in advance for returning the shit you took, you ball of shit

(Thanks to Travis in Austin and anonymous in Boise for submitting.)

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

Tags: Austin · heart · Idaho · p.s. · shit · touching

The Toilet Paper Ministry

August 24th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Hey, look — it’s almost the entire 12-step program in one note! I especially like the abridged version: “To the idiot who stole: the world is your oyster.”

To the idiot who stole the toilet paper from here (Upper left-hand drawer, to be be exact) I think its time you re-examined your life. Is your main goal in life to root through drawers looking for something to wipe your ass with, or is there something I'm missing? Sure, you might have gotten away clean (Pardon the pun), but you really have to ask yourself if this is what all your hopes and dreams turned out to be.

related: Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?

Tags: "helpful" advice · heart · Orange County · stealing · TL;DR · toilet paper

A thinly veiled tattletale

August 19th, 2010 · 27 Comments

While sorting through some old papers, Christina in Natick, Massachusetts was about to throw away this childhood note she had written to her Mom (and Dad too!), when her husband, Aaron, intervened. (Apparently no amount of coaxing could tease out exactly what horrible sin Paul committed, so feel free to speculate wildly.)

Dear Mom, Paul was not nice to me while you were away. I don't want to to tell you what he did because I love you very much. (Dad, too) Hope you had a good time, you know. Love, Christina P.S. Brigid is a pain right where I sit!

P.S. Hope you enjoyed it, you know.

related: Be sure to say goodbye forever

Tags: heart · kids · Moms & Dads · p.s. · siblings · signed with love

Hard times with hard water

August 8th, 2010 · 83 Comments

This seems like a reasonable enough request to ask of your housemates…except for the fact that, as Jason explains, “Our water is full of assorted minerals (and who knows what else), and drips from the ceiling above the bathtub all day.”

Please stop urinating in the bathtub. None of us need to deal with that.

So those yellow stains in the tub? Yeah, not urine. Just evidence of a bathtub in need of some serious scrubbing. (And those pink stains on the water cooler? Probably not lipstick.)

But if your shower smells like piss…well, it’s gonna be hard to blame that on hard water.

Dear Pee Bandit,  Sometime the shower smells like urine. Whoever you are, please stop.  Love, the rest of us

related: Who takes a crap in the shower?!

Tags: bathtub · Oops? · piss · shower · signed with love