As an early holiday gift to you, I present the current leading candidate in the race for “douchecanoe of the year”…

UPDATE: Our anonymous tipster passes along this follow-up status update, adding, “The best part about this situation is that, by posting her latest status update, she just encouraged more people to come see how rude and greedy she is!”

related: Facebook wedding drama

extra credit: DISLIKE!

Today’s post is dedicated to the dirty minds in the department of double entendres. (Hey there, commenters!)

The first note, as spotted by Dana in San Francisco, needs no further introduction.

Next up: Michelle in Orlando says this note was posted on the employee mailboxes at the theme park where she works. “Our uniforms include a vest made of wool,” Michelle explains, “and when the vests get wet they smell (fittingly) like wet animal.”

related: covering all the bases

K, so, we’ve all seen a million notes like this…

(Check out that sad little orphan S!)
 

…but it actually takes a real mother to poke a hole in that logic.

related: Your mother doesn’t work here. Or here. Or here.

This note, from Michelle in Denver, displays the remarkable lengths that some people will go to avoid confrontation.

“This bright-green gem wasn’t the only priceless thing visible,” Michelle says. “On the cubicle wall closest to the refrigerators was a camera…and it was actually connected to the computer and recording a live feed. This is why you don’t steal from the fridge when you work for a multimedia corporation!”

related: ABP on the V8

Nick in Florida was in his car one day, when he “pulled up at a light, looked to my left, and immediately started laughing.” He quickly pulled out his iPhone, snapped a photo, then get stepped on the gas before daddy dearest could get out and beat the crap out of him.

Meanwhile, Lisa in Maryland spotted this in front of a small computer store near her office.

Sigh. Children are such a blessing!

related: and pull up your sign

As always, Facebook users are keepin’ it classy.

related: Tant pis, mon amie

extra credit: STFU, Marrieds

Sydney spotted this bizarrely self-satisfied bit of scripture in a friend’s downtown Berkeley apartment building.

Says Sydney: “I personally think the Bible verse adds a nice touch of guilt, but it’s the emoticon smileys that really put the whole thing over the top for me.”

(Also…what exactly has the note-writer been doing while holding those keys ransom for the past month? Formatting footnotes?)

related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

Writes Devra in San Luis Obispo, California:  “I’m visiting my parents in Napa, where they both work at wineries. They recently found out that I smoke cigarettes, and though I’m sure they disapprove, there has been little to no discussion on the matter. My mom wanted me to go with her to a tasting today, so she printed out directions from Google Maps with this note written on it. I found it waiting on my bedside table when I woke up.”

related: And pull up your pants!