Entries Tagged as 'spelling and grammar police'

The right to bear fruit

August 27th, 2008 · 172 Comments

Three U.S. cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves:

1. Austin, Texas

To the people who keep digging up and stealing plants from this garden...The surrounding neighbors have been alerted and are keeping watch now. (Some are ex-Military are not afraid to chase after you or shout.) I'm serious!!! This is private property! You are trespassing and committing a crime. I'm not rich and I like my garden go get a second job if you want plants! I'm warning you!

2. Macon, Georgia

To the Fucktard who stole my watermellon [sic]: It was not even RIPE yet. But I'm sure you didn't notice when you were high on crack. Leave my fucking plants alone! —Proud owner of a .45 and a 38 special

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

The Mayor and The Police have been notified — WATCHING for any more Flower destruction and Theft

(Thanks to Don in Austin, Elizabeth in Macon, and Jasmine in Pittsburgh for risking the wrath of some devoted gardening/second amendment enthusiasts to document these warnings.)

related: No “questions” asked

Tags: Austin · blame it on the crackhead · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Georgia · Macon · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Pittsburgh · spelling and grammar police · stealing

Cloudy with a chance of hate mail

August 14th, 2008 · 241 Comments

For their daughter’s first birthday, Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt decided it would be fun to throw a casual little backyard get-together at their home in Rochester, Minnesota.

Like the good church-going Minnesotans they are, the Schmidts sent out this e-mail invite to their small-ish congregation of about 200 people, expecting maybe 20 or 30 to stop by for some cake.

Hello St. Luke’s family! Madeleine turns ONE on 8/8/8! To celebrate, she’s hosting her very own backyard tea party on Saturday, August 9th at 1:00 p.m. No gifts necessary – your presence is present enough. :) We hope you and your family will join us as we celebrate the first of many fun birthdays with our little princess. If you have a moment, please RSVP to so we know how many cucumber sandwiches to make. :)

Mr. Schmidt happens to be the local TV weatherman, but neither of the Schmidts could have predicted the outraged response they received by mail a few days later (unsigned, with no return address).

Mr + Mrs. Schmidt: I think I've heard everything now. Who invites every adult that they know to a 1 year old's birthday? If you want free toys, baby cloths [sic] and cash gifts why doesn't Mr. Schmidt just annonce it on his always wrong weather show? Why do you have to burden every person within hearing range to run out and buy a card and a gift. You two truely [sic] are a pair of complete asses, that doesn't say to [sic] much for your parents. How long are you going to terrioze [sic] this community?

Adds Mrs. Schmidt: “We have no clue who sent it, and decided we’d have to laugh it off or go crazy trying to figure it out…so I’m doing my own passive-aggressive act and posting it here.”

related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate

Tags: birthday · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · Minnesota · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2008 · spelling and grammar police

Signed with a Glasgow kiss

August 12th, 2008 · 107 Comments

Rodti and Laura Elizabeth spotted these charming examples of local Scottish color outside an Internet cafe in Glasgow’s West End.

Folks we have toilets that only paying customers can use. I don't care who you are, how old you are, if your [sic] ill or not i have heard them all, FROM 1 - 100. The answer is no you can't use our toilet! Thank the person who smashed my toilet, don't take your energy out on the staff this was the owners statement!

Toilet poem! for all non customers who wish to use our toilet please read and take note! The pee house! for all the people who need the loo, heres a poem just for you, wether its a 1 or a 2 our lovely toilet is not for you! jog on!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, a grocery story elsewhere in Glasgow displays a similar plea for clemency…one that seems intended for a similar clientele.

Do to delivery error I regret to inform that this shop has no Buckfast at ALL please do not abuse the staff as it is not their fault. Thanks

related: Blame it on Coke

extra credit: Buckfast tonic wine [wikipedia]
The worst toilet in Scotland [youtube]

Tags: "customer service" · apostrophe abuse · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Glasgow · irregular capitalization · not my fault · pure poetry · spelling and grammar police · toilet · U.K.

The two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire

August 3rd, 2008 · 182 Comments

An anonymous submitter in Ann Arbor, Michigan received this e-mail from a guy who just moved into her co-op (“basically a co-ed frat house”) for the rest of the summer. “We’ve tried to reason with him,” she says, to no avail. “When asked why he has to get up so early, he says, ‘I have important things to do in the morning,’ and that’s it.”

the two-word compromise you're looking for: zip wire

The even bigger mystery? Wonders our submitter: “Why, if he needs complete silence at night, did he move in with 16 other college kids on summer break?”

related: there will come soft pains

Tags: and that's an order · college life · drizzunk · e-mail · Michigan · noise · questionable logic · roommates · sleeping · spelling and grammar police · thanks (but not really)

The Powerseller of Pompano Beach

July 27th, 2008 · 318 Comments

If you’ve ever tut-tutted over the consequences of big-box stores and online retailers overtaking small businesses, you’ll be heartened to hear that some folks have figured out how to bring those old-fashioned mom-n-pop ideas about customer service into the digital age…with the help of a big ol’ corporation called eBay!

While browsing the auction site for some new shades, my pal Josh stumbled across one such example — a listing from a Florida-based eBayer who goes by the name of whiteblizzard70.

PLEASE READ MY SHIPPING AND REFUND (RETURNS) RULES, AS THAT IS IMPORTANT.

This goes on for several more paragraphs (see for yourself), but I’ll skip to my favorite part — the postscript.

PS I LOVE OVERSEAS BUYERS! NEVER A PROBLEM.

(Josh decided not to bid.)

related: Top five musical crimes perpetrated by record store customers
extra credit: How do you get out of an ebay auction? [consumerist.com]

P.S. This post reminded me of another note my friend Josh told me about a few months back — a piece of reader mail he’d received as an editor at the music mag Blender. Granted, most readers who take the time to write in to magazines like Blender are at least a little bit…off, to say the least. But the last part of this letter — a response to an “Ask Blender” column about the urban legend that Debbie Harry of Blondie was once abducted by Ted Bundy — is genuinely spine-chilling. (Passive-aggressive? Not so much. Creepy? Um, yes.)

Tags: "customer service" · CAPS LOCK · college life · eBay · Florida · more aggressive than passive · Pompano Beach · spelling and grammar police

Sheena is a paintballer

July 9th, 2008 · 181 Comments

Where do you suppose this “anomous” Tampa, Florida resident stands on the whole nature-vs.-nurture debate?

PAINTBALL "PUNK" YOU WERE RAISED BY: TOTAL IDIOT PARENTS!

The Apple did not fall far from the tree! Your dad = idiot, son = little idiot $250 REWARD NAME THE IDIOT THAT SHOT PAINTBALL AT MY DOOR!

PARENTING 101 LEARN TO BE A REAL PARENT 10 LESSONS FREE CLASS

Interested? here’s a free preview!

Crappy parents > Bozo kids; Caring parents > very nice kids

related: Your to lazy

Tags: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · dubious scientific claims · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Florida · gloriously redundant · irregular capitalization · kids today · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2008 · neighbors · spelling and grammar police · Tampa · the lawn · unnecessary "quotation marks"

Graham, this means you

July 6th, 2008 · 126 Comments

Eli says this sign has been hanging in the window of the local pizza place for several weeks now. (Really, with that whole “talking and working” requirement, are you surprised they weren’t deluged with applications?)

Cardo's Pizza is now hiring. Please do not apply if your oversleep, have no babysitter, expirience [sic] flat tires every week, have to leave early for probabtion meetings, can't go 10 minutes without talking on a cell phone or smoking. Must be able to talk and work at the same time.

related: Bizarre pardoning accident

Tags: CAPS LOCK · help wanted · now that's management · spelling and grammar police

An official declaration of the silent treatment

July 1st, 2008 · 354 Comments

Nadia received this letter from her boyfriend’s cousin, Amy, who recently relocated with her boyfriend from Saskatoon to Victoria, B.C…and have been shacking up with Nadia and her boyfriend even since. Over the past month, roomie relations have become a bit strained, to say the least.

“We had to send a stray cat she was harboring to a friend’s house temporarily (my allergies were killing me),” Nadia says, and Amy proceeded to pout for three days straight. A minor-blow out ensued, which was then followed by this untitled composition. Nadia and her boyfriend are scheduled to move out on Wednesday.

This is to notify you that I wish to NOT be on speaking terms with you.

Adds Nadia: “A friend of mine (a B.A. in professional writing and linguistics) and I (a high school science and math teacher with a zoology degree and a B.Ed.) corrected all of the mistakes in the letter.” Then, fighting ire with ire, they posted it on the fridge.

Despite the poor quality of this piece, I submitted it to passiveaggressivenotes.com.

related: Nice move

Tags: "helpful" advice · Canada · family · p.s. · roommates · spelling and grammar police · TL;DR

There is a poor speller among us

June 30th, 2008 · 99 Comments

Writes our anonymous submitter from Kentucky: “I work at a gym. I was checking the women’s locker room to make sure it wasn’t a fetid stinkpit (it wasn’t) when I saw three of these lying on the counter. I went to throw them out and found a whole mess of them in the trash can, too.”

there is a poor speller among us

related: like a rotten sponge

Tags: CAPS LOCK · gym · Kentucky · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police · stealing · warning

You’re toast, Melba.

June 25th, 2008 · 110 Comments

Courtney in California spotted this in the front yard of a neighborhood she happened to be cruising through today — one she says is “full of blue-hairs.”

MELBA!!!! Your Letter Upset Your Friend. And For no good reason. Mind Your Own BUISNESS [sic]

Adds Courtney: “I just may be knocking on this person’s front door sometime this week. I HAVE to know what Melba’s letter said!”

related: You can do it. We can’t help

Tags: California · crazypants · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · most popular notes of 2008 · MYOB · old folks · spelling and grammar police