Entries Tagged as 'stealing'

Dirty, dirty bridesmaids

January 21st, 2010 · 77 Comments

“I was forced to go wedding dress shopping with a total bridezilla I know,” writes our submitter in Fredericksburg, Virginia. “Another girl with us is also engaged to be married, and she wanted to try on dresses too. Bridezilla just smiled sweetly and pointed to the sign posted in the dressing room. Her exact words: ‘Sorry, only the bride is allowed, and today is my day.’”

There will be a $75 cleaning fee for wedding gowns being tried on by anyone other than the bride.

Apparently you’d better keep an eye on those shifty bridesmaids when they’re shopping for the bachelorette party, too. (Or else…cow them into submission with more threats of an unenforceable nature?)

Yeah, good luck with that

(Spotted by Molly at “Kitty House” boutique in Irvine, California.)

related: What say you, Emily Post?

Tags: California · stealing · Virginia · weddings and bridezillas · WTF?

An e-mail from my arteries

January 19th, 2010 · 66 Comments

Filching someone’s McDonald’s coupons…the “aggressive” flipside of the passive-aggressive offering of coupons for fitness DVDs?

“The person who sent this e-mail is actually a great and very well-liked individual at my place of work,” our submitter says. (Assuming, I guess, that one doesn’t come between him and his Egg McMuffins.)

I really have you have a great day...

related: sympathy for the devil

extra credit: Shaking things up at Dairy Queen

Tags: all-staff e-mail · Canada · ellipses-crazed · guilt trip · sarcasm · spelling and grammar police · stealing · thanks (but not really)

“What if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus?”

December 16th, 2009 · 214 Comments

As this note from Columbus, Ohio demonstrates, ’tis the season to be hilariously self-righteous!

Dear Sir (or Madam), While taking things that do not belong to you, at any point in the year, is highly unacceptable, doing so during the Christmas season is far more dissapointing [sic]. I mean, what if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus? You would have ruined the whole holiday instead of just mine by taking my delicious Lean Cuisines (yes plural). All I can say is that you have now doomed yourself to at best a lump of cole [sic] + at worst Salmonella! Happy Holidays, Theif [sic]!!

related: All I want for Christmas

extra credit: Baby Jesus Theft [Wikipedia]
Roundup of stolen Baby Jesus reports [Wonkette]
Baby Jesus found! [FOUND Magazine]

Tags: Christmas · Columbus · holiday spirit · i before e · Jesus · office fridge · rhetorical question · spelling and grammar police · stealing · TL;DR

Which is more despicable?

November 30th, 2009 · 206 Comments

Exhibit A, as seen by an anonymous submitter in Seattle?

YOU TOOK THE VIDEO CAMERA AND ALL THE TAPES OF MY FIRST BORN CHILD'S BIRTH

…or exhibit B, as spotted by Mitch in Goldendale, Washington?

I'm sorry Tobby was stoled.

related: And God knows what

Tags: CAPS LOCK · comma diarrhea · confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · guilt trip · karma's a bitch · Seattle · spelling and grammar police · stealing · Washington state

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

November 12th, 2009 · 103 Comments

As Lachlan in Melbourne points out, for 4 and 6 years old these kids have pretty good writing skills (with the exception of that little “hyph:-colon”). But lawdy, kids today and their language!

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh…

If you know this plant over and kill it, I will fucking kill you & your fucking family! xoxo

And in Philadelphia (as spotted by Tash, who is not a yuppie)…

WARNING: People of Philadelphia, these tomatoes are not for you! Sincerely, the miserable overprivileged yuppie cunts in the condo monstrosity across the street

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · xoxo

…since we’re a community

October 25th, 2009 · 147 Comments

Chris in Providence brings us this show-stopper from the Computer Science department at Brown University. My head is still spinning a little bit.

cream cheese in the fridge with diamonds

Meanwhile, in Lake Forest, California…

Dear Bagel Thief

related: the nerd’s guide to passive-aggressive behavior

Tags: CAPS LOCK · college life · signed with love · stealing

Sympathy for the Devil

October 4th, 2009 · 146 Comments

This good-humored e-mail was send out to the entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!

(click the image below to enlarge)

Turns out she was a vampire herself

related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

Tags: all-staff e-mail · God · guilt trip · ice cream · schools & teachers · stealing · you're like so going to hell

Wishin’ and hopin’

September 24th, 2009 · 120 Comments

When dealing with anonymous strangers, there’s no point in playing coy about your hopes and dreams. Tell us, kids, what do you REALLY want?

I hope your baseball team never wins another world series for the rest of your life

I hope you get the runs!

I hope your spouse leaves you for your best friend

I hope you catch on fire

Hope your balls fall off!

I hope God will kill you in a car crash before you get to your house

related: I hope your cat chokes

Tags: die bitch die · God · more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing

Another wacky round of “steal the bacon”

September 19th, 2009 · 109 Comments

First up: Ami in London spots the fallout over what we can only assume was an onslaught of hungry breakfast bandits.

Due to high levels of theft, we have to take bacon, cheese and sausages off sale. If you require a certain item a member of staff will get it for you. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yup, we’ve got those in the States, too…as Molly noticed at a grocery store in Ohio.

PLEASE DO NOT OPEN THE BOXES OF BACON!

Adds Molly: “Why anyone would want to take a single slice of bacon out of a box I can’t really say, but if they needed to post three notes it must have been a pressing issue.” (Um, maybe she needed a replacement underwire?) But perhaps she should have checked the lost & found first…

Is this your bacon?

Meanwhile, this Post-it (from a Mom in Florida) and its subsequent responses (from her punctuation-conscious, pork-loving children) bring to mind the oh-so-creepy phenomenon that is thoroughly documented on the stellar blog Suicide food.

Pigs do not eat bacon. Lies! They are Cannibals!

This note appears to have been written by an actual pig (at least the Orwellian kind), but it appears instead to have been penned by the young son of submitter Irsh, of the aptly named blog Daily Piglet. Irsh says she found this note taped to the laundry room door when she got home later after her son had already gone to bed. “I’m not sure why he thought I was going to eat the bacon,” she says, “but I have to admit the idea of him not talking to me was briefly appealing.”

Mom Do! Not! eat one peace [sic] of baken [sic] or I not talk to you

Happy Rosh Hashanah, everyone!

related: p.s. bacon is life
extra credit: “bacon bandit arrested”suicidefood

Tags: bacon · kids · Moms & Dads · stealing

Totally fried green tomatoes

September 9th, 2009 · 94 Comments

Shannon in New York saw this note posted on the fence of the nearby community garden while she and her roommate were taking her dog for a walk for. The thought of a little old lady glued to her binoculars at 4 in the morning, this had them laughing for many prepositional phrases of time.

if you have a key, the return for that key will be ask for

related: the right to bear fruit

Tags: CAPS LOCK · Clearly a non-native English speaker · excessive underlining · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · New York · spelling and grammar police · stealing · WTF?