Entries Tagged as 'stealing'

Oh, sure, blame it on the housekeeper

February 20th, 2009 · 73 Comments

Says Corrine in Los Angeles: “I walked into my friends’ building and saw these posted ALL OVER.” (Trifling much?)

Did someone's housekeeper take my 2 DOZEN white bath towels from the top dryer by mistake? PLEASE return to Paula #101!

related: come get some

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · excessive underlining · laundry · Los Angeles · stealing

Venting machine

February 10th, 2009 · 92 Comments

If you’ve ever bought Twizzlers from a vending machine, you probably know that there’s a good one-in-three chance that one tiny corner of the plastic packaging is gonna get stuck — and bang on the glass all you want — only yielding after an extra 75 cents is inserted. Some folks, however, aren’t willing to condone that kind of stubbornness in their packaged sweets.

DO NOT BUY THE LICORICE IT DOES NOT WORK. The licorice doesn't work? No, it doesn't. It just lays around on it's mothers couch all day watching Judge Judy and collecting unemployment. (smart ass!)

related: Who’s the smartass?

Tags: Canada · CAPS LOCK · office · rebuttals · smartass · stealing · Toronto · vending machine drama

The classic all-staff e-mail

February 5th, 2009 · 99 Comments

Shirley in Canada says one of her coworkers sent this e-mail to the entire building — several hundred people in all — after what we can only assume was an unsuccessful half-day cooling-off period. (Or perhaps just several hours spent choosing the most whimsically enraged font/color combination.)

To Whomever helped themselves to my Jarhead poster that hung in my cubicle. there are many other pictures you forgot to steal as well, along with things in drawers and foodstuffs you could have claimed as your own. I guess I'll just leave these out for you when the feeling strikes again that you'd like to pillage my cubicle for your own gain.

Meanwhile, this all-staff e-mail was sent to over 400 employees in Australia — “more than half of whom don’t even work in the same postcode.”

I'd like to thank who ever left the car magazine on my desk for me to read. That was really lovely. Thank you.

related: fight or flight

Tags: all-staff e-mail · Australia · Canada · e-mail · guilt trip · office · stealing · thanks (but not really)

Panty raid!

January 14th, 2009 · 104 Comments

Caitlin at Ontario College didn’t write this note, but she feels for the person who did — she and four friends on her floor also had panties go missing from the dorm laundry room. “The thief seemed to particularly prefer black thongs,” she says. (Unlike the notewriter, however, they don’t necessarily want them back.)

Whoever Keeps Steeling [sic] Panties form the Dryers PLEASE STOP!! AND BRING THEM BACK!!!

Since then, however, it seems the thief may have (ahem) moved south of the border. The female residents of Alexis’s apartment building in Seattle are now facing a similar problem.

ATTENTION ALL RESIDENTS...I'VE RECEIVED CALLS ABOUT MISSING GIRLS UNDER GARMENTS AND IF CAUGHT WILL BE EVICTED!!!! HAVE SPIES WATCHING!!!!

And then…well, then there’s Japan. Jason spotted this note in Tokyo when he was staying there a few years back. Unfortunately, he never got the whole story, but that might be for the best.

To whoever stole 4 pairs of my underwear off the roof: You are one sick fucking individual. How fucking pathetic that you can't afford your own so you go and steal mine. Enjoy the crabs & bad karma you piece of shit.

related: Are you there, Margaret?

extra credit: Panty thief busted, then busted up [the smoking gun]
Panty thief jailed for laundry larceny [msnbc]

Tags: Canada · college life · kinda creepy · laundry · Ontario · Seattle · sex sex sex · stealing · Tokyo · WTF?

Merry Christmas, you junkie scumbag lowlife

December 26th, 2008 · 68 Comments

Libby from Sydney, Australia found this note taped to the wall of the IGA supermarket in Newtown, Sydney. “Feeling sympathetic though somewhat amused, I took a photo of it — I didn’t really think it would be fair to take it with me.” (That is, of course, more than can be said for a certain junkie scumbag lowlife.)

If it was you that stole the wheel off my bicycle when it was locked here, about 11, on Christmas fucking eve, rest assured that I look forward to hunting you down and separating your head from your body, you junkie scumbug lowlife

related: an inconvenient truth

Tags: Australia · bicycle · Christmas · die bitch die · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · Sydney

Just wait ’til he finds out the truth about the whole “fat guy down the chimney” thing

December 22nd, 2008 · 86 Comments

Sarah was taking a little stroll in Berkeley, California last December when she saw a house that clearly belonged to the “more is more” school of holiday decorating.

You know the type: “Giant candy canes, red bows, lights, even one of those life-sized plastic snow globes that blows confetti snow all around inside — all in a yard about the width of the sidewalk I was walking on,” Sarah says. “This note was tacked onto the fence, above an empty space in the row of candy canes.”

Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Shame on you! My son will not understand your behavior. He will be confused and sad. Please control yourself and don't vandalize the Xmas decorations.

Adds Sarah: “Poor little boy. Now he’s not going to know it’s Christmas.”

related: a holiday wish

Tags: Berkeley · Christmas · excessive underlining · guilt trip · holiday spirit · Moms & Dads · stealing · vandalism · Won't somebody think of the children?

We didn’t “steal” your muffin — we leveraged it

November 10th, 2008 · 128 Comments

Sigh. Half the people in your department just got pink-slipped, your 401(k) is worth shit, and now, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse…they’re coming for your muffin, too.

All in the name of shareholder value!

Stealing food, especially Muffins, is UNACCEPTABLE!

(Leaked by Sayf in Greenwich, Connecticut.)

related: Lean cuisine
extra credit: Morgan Stanley cancels Christmas, jobs [dealbreaker]

Tags: Connecticut · Greenwich · money · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · rebuttals · stealing · touching

Lean Cuisine

October 23rd, 2008 · 83 Comments

From Sasha in New York: evidence that the financial crisis has begun to trickle down to Joe Six-Pack.

I know the DOW just dropped 600 pts. But PLEASE don't eat that are NOT YOURS.

related: Desperate Times

Tags: college life · money · New York · office · stealing · thx

An inconvenient truth

October 7th, 2008 · 87 Comments

Al Gore would likely be pleased hear that Marc in San Diego rides his bike (a vintage blue Colnago) to work in the mornings. A certain evangelical bike messenger, however, was less than impressed.

Dear Crazy Person: Buy a DECENT LOCK! Dude! You're riding a f-in COLNAGO! I should steal on PRINCIPLE, since it would take all of 10 seconds. I'm just here to help...

Marc says he’s since ditched his old cable lock. “After this note taught me the error of my ways, I now keep my bike inside where it’s safe.”

related: Next on thieves with low self-esteem

Tags: "helpful" advice · bicycle · stealing

Dear assholes

October 3rd, 2008 · 104 Comments

I think we’ve received some of your mail by mistake. Just wanted to pass these along!

xoxo, PAN

Dear Assholes, I do not steal. I have never stolen from you. Why should you do that to me? CAN'T AFFORD A DOLLAR...GET A JOB

Dear Assholes, It's all good and well if you want to sneak out here to drink your beer, but please CLEAN UP after yourselves. This is the woods, not your trash can. Sincerely, The trees, the ferns, the groundhogs, all the other creatures that have to live in your mess

Dear Asshole, 6 spaces? Park the boat, then go out. I hope you can appreciate that I took the time to write + place this. I also hope, as much as I hope to get a cordless drill this X-mas, that you get towed. God.

Dear Assholes, Hope you enjoyed me liquor. It was my last bottle EVER and it was GREAT to wake up and find it all gone. Especially since I barely got any myself. Congratulations, you stole from a homeless, dirt-poor alcoholic minor. Hope you feel great about that.

related: Arrivederci, asshole

Tags: "customer service" · beer · garbage · God · parking · stealing · The Earth