Entries Tagged as 'stealing'

Sincerely, Commando

March 1st, 2012 · 51 Comments

“I love my neighbor’s passion,” says Del in Chicago. “This is totally something I would do.”

Hmm, Del. To which of  your two neighbors are you referring?

To the Fucking Asshole that stole all of my underwear: This is the 2nd time that this has happened. Yes, they are nice underwear, yes, they are expensive, but why can't you just go to Cram on Broadway and buy your own? I am going to do everything in my power to find you, and I'm going to fuck your world up. I am going to sand paper fist fuck your asshole. Get ready for a world of pain mother fucker. Sincerely, Commando

related: Panty raid!

Tags: Chicago · laundry · most popular notes of 2012 · not-so-veiled threats · stealing

Wanted: Justice, with a side of fries.

February 2nd, 2012 · 65 Comments

A few days ago, says our submitter in Louisiana, a co-worker left her meal on the lunchroom table while she went to the restroom. When she came back, she discovered that some brazen mo-fo had jacked her sandwich, leaving the empty bag behind.

“Being from the Creative Marketing department,” our submitter says, “she decided to fight back against the food thief with this.”

Wanted: Justice. With a Side of Fries.

related: Creative approaches to food thievery

extra credit: Crime Scene Sandwich Bags

Tags: Baton Rouge · food · stealing

I Can’t Believe It’s Not (My) Butter

January 15th, 2012 · 29 Comments

Tommy in Norway isn’t the only one getting butt-hurt over butter.

From the U.K…

I don't know your name, but you have seen stealing my butter. Put it back in the fridge or I will lick EVERYTHING.

to Australia…

Beck' s butter: Lisa if you touch it ur dead!!!!

to Ireland…

Stop eating our butter, and anything else that is ours.

it’s beginning to look like this butter crisis might be going global.

Meanwhile, in America…

related: A bitter butter battle

Tags: butter · licking · stealing

In the spirit of the holidays…enjoy the pipe bomb!

December 16th, 2011 · 36 Comments

My friend Amy and her husband recently had a UPS package stolen from their front porch. Thanks to the wonders of a home security camera, they were able to see that the thieves were actually their next-door neighbors. After a few rounds of “WHAT? WHO DOES THAT? REALLY?” they called the cops and had the fools arrested. (Score: Technology – 1; Humanity – 0.)

Meanwhile, the residents under siege at this Denver apartment building seem to be taking the vigilante approach to justice. Somehow, unless Batman shows up, I just don’t see this ending well.

Dear Grinch Stealing Packages from His and/or Her Neighbors, In the Spirit of the Holidays, I am choosing to let you know that I have sent myself (and a cooperating neighbor on another floor, from whom you have also stolen) one or more extra special presents, JUST FOR YOU! I really hope that you like them! I spent a lot of time and care on them as I wanted to make sure you know just how special you are to me!

related: Creative approaches to food thievery

Tags: Christmas · Denver · holiday spirit · kinda creepy · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · stealing

So…atheists shop for free?

December 8th, 2011 · 43 Comments

Spotted by Analee at Houston’s annual Nutcracker Market, “a holiday shopping wonderland“…

This business belonds to God. If you steal from us you are stealing from Him. It's much cheaper to pay our price than His. Thanks!

related: No, He uses Vaseline.

Tags: God · guilt trip · Houston · retail hell · stealing

Soda stealers are the lowest forms of life!

November 22nd, 2011 · 66 Comments

The subtle version (from Denver, Colorado):

If you change your mind from water to soft drink, we will gladly assist you at the register.

And the not-so-subtle version (spotted by Ariana in Boulder, Colorado):

FREE REFILLS if you purchase a soda at the cash register, otherwise... ATTENTION: Soda stealers are the lowest form of life! If we catch you, we will break you down mentally and ridicule you in front of your friends. FAIR WARNING: Stop Stealing Soda. -Sorry - Deb

related: Is it really worth $1.59 to spend eternity in one of the lower kingdoms?

extra credit: Coke, Sprite, or Ice-T

Tags: beverages · Boulder · Colorado · Denver · restaurant · stealing

Your Ultra Charmin Neighbor

November 21st, 2011 · 61 Comments

Writes our submitter in Philadelphia: “In our apartment building, packages are left by the block of mailboxes, relatively near where your individual mailbox is. I’ve never had a problem, but apparently not everyone was so lucky…this sign was on every floor of the building.”

Dear whoever stole my Amazon package: I can understand your need for 30 rolls of toilet paper considering you're a huge asshole. Enjoy, Your Friendly Neighbor

related: I hope your cat chokes.

Tags: most popular notes of 2011 · neighbors · Philadelphia · stealing · toilet paper

Happy National Sandwich Day!

November 3rd, 2011 · 80 Comments

Would you care to furnish the last line of this haiku?

Who stole my sandwich! (Could it be the) SANDWICH THIEF!!

related: Sandwich guilt

extra credit: Lunch Bugs Anti-Theft Sandwich Bags

Tags: food · London · office fridge · smartass · stealing

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