Entries Tagged as 'stealing'

The Accidental Communist

April 18th, 2011 · 78 Comments

“The crayon note showed up about two months before the response,” says Monica at Goucher College, “but both have been a source of great entertainment.”

Goucher College is a COMMUNITY. In communities we share. We do not steal other people's things like corporate America. Share share, that's fair. Go watch an episode on Barney, learn some manners, AND STOP STEALING!

related: Comrades, take notice!

extra credit: A lesson from Barney! **********

Tags: a little patronizing · Baltimore · college life · food · questionable logic · rebuttals · sharing is caring · stealing

On the next episodes of Hoarders…

April 6th, 2011 · 44 Comments

Many months ago, one of our submitter’s coworkers decided to fortify the entire office freezer with family-sized bricks of monosodium glutamate.

(Was there an amazing “buy 20, get one free” special at Wal-Mart? Is someone filming a processed-foods version of Super Size Me? Or just stocking up for the End Times?) Whatever the reason, this person made very clear (via post-it note) that these frozen delights were not for general consumption, thanks.

Finally, after months had gone by with no obvious signs of attrition on the Banquet line, another coworker decided to add a defiant note of protest (which in turn spurred a third note, from the office smartass.) Sadly, the real question (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FROZEN — WHY????) remains unanswered.

1. Please do NOT take these dinners. Thanks. 2. Why not! You don't seem to use them. 3. Don't worry the last time I stole them they SUCKED!

related: Please remove the rabbit carcasses from this freezer

Tags: Colorado · food · office fridge · rebuttals · stealing

The Orchid (and Daffodil and Begonia) Thief

March 29th, 2011 · 58 Comments

Maya in the U.K. spotted this magnanimous display on a garden wall on her way home, in a neighborhood “that must be simply full of hundreds of passive-aggressive middle class Brits.” Says Maya: ”I was tempted to steal the daffodils myself, but refrained.”

These daffodils are for the thief, living at the bottom of the road, who obviously loves daffodils but is too poor to buy his own - even at 2 bunches for a £1. For 2 successive weekends he has stolen some from this front garden. These he can take as a gift. Enjoy.

Meanwhile, Greg’s neighbor in Washington, D.C. decided to go with even an more straight-ahead guilt-trippy approach.

To the person responsible for stealing the begonia: Please return it; no question asked. This plant is a clipping given to me by my great aunt. She is now dead. I would we happy to root a clipping for you if you indeed wish to have such a specimen. Thank you.

Lastly, Fern spotted this scarily upbeat FYI while vacationing in Key West, Florida. (Adds Fern: “We think the flower just died.”)

Hey Orchid Thief: Hope you like your flower! Just wanted to let you know stealing is bad karma! Enjoy : )

related:  Three cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves

P.S. Before settling for a ho-hum Susan Orleans reference, I must admit that when writing this post, I tried — and failed — to come up with an worthy Wordworths-riffing title. In light of my lack of inspiration, I was especially delighted by this bit of brilliance from shwo! in the comments section:

I wandered slyly as a thief
Who flows on low o’er gutter spills,
When all at once I saw a leaf,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the porch, beneath the trees,
I think I will be stealing these.

Tags: D.C. · Florida · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · guilt trip · karma's a bitch · smiley · stealing · U.K.

Jesus is my copilot…and my home security system.

March 17th, 2011 · 75 Comments

Gloria in Pennsylvania spotted this warning — sort of a New Testament twist on the old “lamb’s blood on the doorpost” trick — posted on a neighbor’s apartment door.

You - trying to get in: This Household is protected by the blood of Jesus. The LORD Rebuke You. Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91; Malachie 3:11-12. How is it that you are NOT afraid to come against God's Anointed???

Now, maybe it’s because I’m a godless heathen, but if I ever took up a life of crime, I think I might find this sign from a West Virginia convenience store (as photographed by Matt in Brooklyn) just a bit more convincing.

Attention burglars I sleep here if you break in you will be shot and may die

related: When sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately!

Tags: God · Jesus · most popular notes of 2011 · not-so-veiled threats · Pennsylvania · questionable logic · stealing · warning · West Virginia

Dear nice person: you will get caught or cancer and that makes me happy.

February 23rd, 2011 · 62 Comments

Laura in Tempe, Arizona found this note posted in the laundry room of her apartment complex, where it’s common knowledge that if you wash your clothes late at night, you’d best grab as they’re done.

Now, I realize not everyone will appreciate the subtlety of this kind of crazy. And sure, notes about stolen laundry aren’t all that uncommon. But for some reason, the peculiar syntax and semi-twisted tone of this one really got me. English majors, can we get a close reading here?

Dear nice person whom stole my laundry out of dryer 17, you are a low-life and I still recall your acts. You will get caught, or cancer and that makes me happy.

related: Panty raid!

Tags: Arizona · laundry · neighbors · spelling and grammar police · stealing · Tempe

We will not stand for this crap.

February 16th, 2011 · 31 Comments

Nope, the note below isn’t from a old folks home: it’s actually from a music camp for the young’uns.

So, is the writer taking liberties using the royal we? Or is the entire woodwind section really so backed up that prune juice has become a hot commodity? These are questions I’d rather not think about.

Please do not eat. We are really constipated & we really need to eat this. Do not eat.

On that note, when you complain about your missing Activia — the yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis euphemistically claims will “regulate your digestive system” — referring to said yogurt as “ma shit” may not be the best choice of words to get your point across.

I would appreciate if you fuckin stop taking my stuff. Whoever took my Activia if I find you I will kick the shit out of you. I am a student just like you with no money! So please STOP TAKING MA SHIT

related: Live and not-so-active roommate culture

extra credit: Activia Won’t Cure your Constipation, says FTC [cbsnews.com]

(Thanks to Isaac in Missouri and Kim in Chicago for their submissions!)

Tags: eww · not-so-veiled threats · shit · stealing · TMI · yogurt

The circle of Hell Dante forgot to mention

December 23rd, 2010 · 51 Comments

So, I’ve been thinking about it (!) but I’m still not entirely clear about what type of eternal damnation Christmas-ornament thieves should supposedly be condemned. Perhaps some sort of Sisyphean untangling of Christmas lights?

There's a special place in Hell for people who steal Christmas ornaments! (think about it!)

One thing seems certain, however: no matter what your belief system, some type of divine retribution is in order.

For the people or kids who stole all the xmas rubber duckies and then the very last solitary duckie, I hope you realize this fence is private property and I will still call the police. Also:

Thanks to Wade in D.C., Jack in Santa Monica, and Emma in L.A. for their submissions!

related: Imagine…Christmas morning…You!!

Tags: Christmas · karma's a bitch · stealing · the po-po · you're like so going to hell

Mom, my flash drive is missing!

December 22nd, 2010 · 27 Comments

Apparently, your mother does work at the Clemson University computer lab. Now take some responsibility for yourself, child!

Whoever took my flash drive please turn it in to the sociology office. If any information is duplicated there will be [No] Consequences! [RESPONSE:] Attention students: Please stop leaving your flash drives lying around

related: These yogurts are expired. What should we do?

Tags: CAPS LOCK · college life · not-so-veiled threats · oh snap · rebuttals · South Carolina · stealing

Won’t someone think of the children?

December 16th, 2010 · 57 Comments

Part 2 in our “How to be the worst neighbor ever” series comes to us courtesy of Chris in Fort Worth, Texas.

When he first saw the note go up in his apartment complex, says Chris, “I thought it was pretty funny, but it wasn’t until the thief wrote a response that I had to take a picture.”

[Typewritten:} Stop taking my newspapers, you goddamn jerk.

related: All the news that’s fit to steal

Tags: Dallas/Fort Worth · neighbors · newspaper · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children?

Providing a “friendly holiday spirit”

December 13th, 2010 · 42 Comments

Halloween was just a prelude, really —it’s Christmas that brings the real bounty of guilt-trip opportunities, often with a bonus side helping of irony.

To wit: Jaime in Canada says his neighbor (okay, “neighbour”) went totally Clark Griswold with his Christmas decorating this year, creating a sparkling extravaganza that is, Jaime says, “quite the treat for the eyes.”

But the best part of the display might be what stands in front of Santa and his team of reindeer  — an ellipses-and-exclamation-fueled cautionary tale about the true meaning of Christmas…consumerism!!! (Take that, Tiny Tim!)

Dear Potential Rotten Kid!!!!!!!! This display was a Christmas gift from my children. I, plus my neighbours enjoy providing a friendly holiday spirit. Let your conscience be your guide! ...Imagine...Christmas Morning...You!! Mom...Dad...Hey, where's my presents? SORRY...SON!!! Somebody stole everything from our car!!

related: Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Who stole the baby Jesus??

Tags: Canada · Christmas · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · guilt trip · holiday spirit · neighbors · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children? · you're like so going to hell