Entries Tagged as 'thanks (but not really)'

But…but…I’m a grown-up now!

August 21st, 2013 · 65 Comments

Writes our submitter in Michigan: “My sister-in-law graduated high school recently, and apparently calling to congratulate her — as opposed to driving 1200 miles to attend the ceremony —  was a major slight.” (A slight I’m guessing she’d be willing to graciously overlook in exchange for 50 bucks or so.)

Dear [redacted],  Thank you for the card you didn't send me and the text I never got! I also appreciate all the effort you put into trying to come to my party! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH Love, Your baby sister

related: Congratulations! At some point in time, through no effort of your own, you were born.

Tags: family · sarcasm · signed with love · thanks (but not really)

No problem — ’twas a piece of a cake!

June 18th, 2013 · 91 Comments

“Our organization recently moved most of its employees from several small offices into one large office,” writes our submitter in Vancouver. “It only took five months for the kitchen conflict to ramp up into a full-blown note war.”

thank you for helping yourself to half of my birthday cake....I guess I didn't need the whole cake to share with my friends and coworkers anyways. ...and happy birthday to you too!

To the leaver of the cake: You're very welcome.

...and someone helped themselves to one of my steam buns (leftovers) in a takeout box but I have a bad cold so they'll get the bad karma back.

related: Let the rest of us eat cake.

Tags: birthday · cake · karma's a bitch · note wars · office fridge · stealing · thanks (but not really) · Vancouver

Presenting the new Mercedes-Benz No-Class

May 16th, 2013 · 84 Comments

Writes our submitter in Brisbane, Australia: “It wasn’t me that reported the rich guy to the council, but it sure gave me a few laughs.”

To whom it may concern, Thank you so much for having my car booked today. You must have nothing better to do than make petty complaints to council. Never mind it is only $100, I make that much in half an hour every day. You must not be a very good driver if you were not able to get out of your driveway that had about 3 meters of room still available. I could have easily driven in and out of there without any issue with the huge amount of space left. Perhaps you should re-sit your driving exams again? I think you are jealous I have a new Mercedes-Benz and you don't? You do not seem to be very well educated in that you can not even spell inconsiderate. Kind regards, A Mercedes-Benz Driver

related: I know, all black sedans look the same

extra credit: This Is Why People Think Mercedes-Benz Drivers Are Asshats [jalopnik.com]

Tags: Australia · car · money · parking · thanks (but not really)

A pre-emptive strike

May 2nd, 2013 · 44 Comments

Eddy shares a house in Providence, Rhode Island with his sister. “We’re both busy with school and work,” Eddy says, “so we take turns cleaning the bathroom.” Well, sort of. “I usually put it off for weeks,” Eddy admits.

Dear Eddy, Thank you for taking the time out of your busy week to clean the bathroom. I have bought cleaning supplies for your endeavor. ? Carissa

Adds Eddy: “By the way, the heart translates loosely to ‘I’ll f’ing kill you.’”

related: The patron(izing) saint of roommates

Tags: bathroom · cleaning · family · Providence · thanks (but not really)

Do you pocket like it’s hot?

October 23rd, 2012 · 108 Comments

If the consequences of eating a Hot Pocket aren’t enough to deter you from buying them, you should know that storing them in your freezer at work or school is still a risky proposition. (And no, Snoop won’t be there to back you up.)

Exhibit a) Spotted by Anna in Oakland, California:

Dear Hot Pocket Eater: How can you eat three boxes of hot pockets in less than a week?? Especially when the food in question does not belong to you!! I will be going to bed hungry because you ate all my hot pockets. IF YOU DIDN'T BUY THE FOOD, DON'T EAT IT. Some of us have jobs to buy our own food. Thanks for wasting an hour's worth of work, scum.

Exhibit b) Spotted by Diana in Green Bay, Wisconsin:

To the Hot Pocket thief: I hope you are happy that you have now stolen a pregnant

Exhibit c) Spotted by David in Austin, Texas:

Please read the labels on food. Someone ate my lean pocket & I'm hungry now. -Thanks JJ

Exhibit d) Spotted by Charlie in New York:

To whoever ate my Lean Pockets: This picture should help when you go to the store to replace them

Exhibit e) Spotted by Angie in Atlanta, with apologies for the blurriness:

To the Person who stole my lean pockets. Yours must be a truly unfortunate life to steal from someone currently receiving food stamps from the gov't because their current wage is insufficient to cover their living expenses, tuition, and food. I will now go hungry today as I'm at the limit of my budget for this week. It is my sincere wish that you burn in a lake of boiling cheese and ham not dissimilar to those found in my leanpockets. There you would dwell for a thousand years, with your skin constantly regenerating so that you can feel it being burned off your body yet again. Sincerely, Lean Pocket Less TL;DR I hate you.

(Delicious, you say? Michelle? Is that you?) And lastly…

Exhibit f) From Princeton, New Jersey:

To whom it may concern: It's not a hard concept: If you DID NOT put it in the Fridge, DO NOT take it out! Leave my Lean Pockets ALONE. [Response:] I am so sorry, but your Lean Pockets are so savory and irresistible. They call to me in my dreams. IN MY DREAMS, I SAY! I know it is wrong to covet another's frozen, microwaveable, turnover-like lunch entree filled with a delicious combination of meat, cheese and vegetables. But life moves so fast-and Lean Pockets know this. But do you know the dark pleasure of a forbidden Lean Pocket? Oh, it must be experienced. Take care; once you start down this path of frozen, microwaveable delights, it is hard to go back. BTW, the pretzel bread variety is my favorite. I'm just sayin'-in case you want to stock up.

related: Hot Pockets are the car radios of the communal freezer

Tags: guilt trip · have a nice day · office fridge · preggers · stealing · thanks (but not really) · TL;DR

Canadian is Angry; Still Says “Thank You”

August 12th, 2012 · 18 Comments

Rachael in Edmonton spotted this billboard-on-wheels in the lot at the RV dealership where she works. “The guy was buying a trailer from us, but after seeing seen his van, I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

Thank you, Crysler Canada & Crosstown Motors for selling me the most unreliable vehicle I have ever owned!  2.5 year old Sprinter Van now for sale - Only been towed 1,2,3, 4 times - Only been in for repairs 1,2,3,4, 5 times - Replaced Tires 1st year - Replaced battery 2nd year - Replaced radiator fan assembly - Replaced Alternator and cables - Rusting everywhere - Many other problems included ... (no extra charge)

After all, you wouldn’t want a full-blown Canadian protest on your hands…

related: Good God, Lemon.

extra credit: A Canadian robbery [CTVNews.ca]

Tags: Canada · car · Edmonton · public shaming · thanks (but not really)

We can put a man on the moon, but…

June 11th, 2012 · 33 Comments

This [plagiarized] note comes to us from a staff restroom at NASA’s Johnson Space Center. “This is just great,” says our submitter. “We can put a 7-degrees-of-freedom robotic arm in space that can build a space station, but we can’t get a ‘wall robot’ to work…or even send in a work order request to get it fixed.”

Thank you...motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, would you care to test out this motion sensor hand towel machine for yourself?

Aaaaand…there you have it.

related: It’s not rocket science.

extra credit: “Nice Work If You Can Get It” [This American Life]

Tags: bathroom · Houston · office · thanks (but not really)

A belated birthday/thank you card

May 2nd, 2012 · 104 Comments

Ashley in Sheffield received this lovely belated birthday card from a neighbo(u)r.

(Nicely done, Laura.)

Dear Ashley, Happy Birthday. Hope you had a great evening. Thanks very much for keeping me awake by you and your friends screaming and shouting in the street. Enjoy your day of sleeping it off. I have to go to work and function on no sleep. Thanks again, Laura.

related: If you were the one who was so drunk or so stupid…

Tags: birthday · most popular notes of 2012 · neighbors · noise · sleeping · thanks (but not really) · U.K.

Cactus killer, qu’est-ce que c’est?

April 29th, 2012 · 76 Comments

She likes her humor like she likes her cactus: dry.

Dear Cactus Killer, Thank you for being so helpful as to water my cactus. No doubt you felt it was in desperate need of TLC, as I seldom seem to pay it any mind whatsoever. However, in being such a super helpy-helperton, you seem to have murdered it, and now I am sad. In the future, please kindly refrain from caring for any sort of plant or plant-like object on my desk. Sadly, a former owner of an awesome catcus [sic]

related: “Just feed me to the cat.”

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · most popular notes of 2012 · office · thanks (but not really)

A serenity prayer with bite

April 27th, 2012 · 44 Comments

Kelli in North Dakota says one of her neighbors plastered the entire building with these notes, directed to a certain wannabe baseball player/bull rider/oral cancer patient.

(Some not-so-fun facts: At 15.3%, North Dakota has the second-highest rate in the country of tobacco-chewing high schoolers. Among North Dakotan adult males, about 1 in 10 chews.)

Dear God, Please do not let me find out who put their chew on my door handle. Grant me the strength to not want to rip their bottom lip off when I find out who it was!

Meanwhile, here in Texas, submitter Katie is unsure whether her neighbors’ cars are being pelted with the likes of Copenhagen or queso. (In Texas, it really could go either way.)

TO WHOEVER IS THROWING DIP ON OUR CARS. I HOPE I CATCH YOU!

related: My garbage can is not your spit cup. 

Tags: God · neighbors · North Dakota · not-so-veiled threats · Texas · thanks (but not really)