Michael says this chaotic jumble of parenthetical-underlined-CAPSLOCK has been up since he started working at this California sushi restaurant, much to his amusement.

Adds Michael: “I don’t care how much a customer tips me, I am not going to satisfy all of their needs.” (So, no rice dicks, then?)

Honestly, it’s that last missing parenthesis that really gets me. Just close it up! Do it now!

related: Under no circumstances shall any chef make a Rice Dick.

Our submitter spotted this unusual sales pitch while driving in Livermore, California. (“The dealership sucks, the car sucks, but it’s for sale if you want to buy it!”)

related: You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard.

While perusing the magazines at Barnes & Noble, Shelly found this bit of divine snark affixed to the latest XBOX magazine.

Haterz still will hate, I guess?

related: Cigarettes & energy drinks

“For the past couple of weeks,” writes Anna in Oakland, “someone in the alley or the building next door to mine has started clapping every day at 8:30 a.m. Just clapping. For at least ten minutes at a time. It’s been driving me crazy, and apparently I’m not the only one.”

Yeah, I can see how that would get old.

related: What the hell is going on at this office?

Writes Daniel in Oakland: “I love the tension between the ‘student of the month’ sticker on top and the totally passive-aggressive ‘every child is honored’ sticker below it.”

related: The car you drive can say a lot about you as a person.

Bob from San Francisco’s explanation: “Partied till 5 am, slept in and missed work, found this note under my door, had to take the walk of shame to find the hose and wash the sidewalk down.” Pooooor Bob, right?

Meanwhile, in Kentucky…

related: “Please stop urinating on the door handle” — and other totally reasonable requests.

Well played, Jerry Brown.

related: We hope you enjoy these jobs…because we paid for them!

extra credit: “Look at that antelope driving a car!” [via thinkprogress.com]

When Shelby‘s third-grade son was having trouble with his homework assignment (two paragraphs of creative writing a day), her suggestion was to just write about what came to mind first. As she realized later when she found the page in a stack of old school work: “He did not hold back.”

related: “Drunk Mommy”

extra credit: “Don’t Write What You Know” [theAtlantic.com]

Your corporate overlords would like to offer this friendly reminder of how much we value our employees!

related: Recession incentive plan