Entries Tagged as 'California'

Signed, R. Mutt

February 12th, 2011 · 35 Comments

What’s wrong with America today? If you ask Jason in Los Angeles, it’s people who don’t return their shopping carts. At least, that’s the action that prompted this note (which was originally attached the the upright cart itself).

Do you really have to be this ghetto, trashy, and lazy? Take your carts back so this apartment doesn't look like trash.

That note, in turn, inspired this Dadaist creation:

It's ART now. Happy? ya Bitch! —Santa

related: Untitled (Broken Glass)

Tags: art · Los Angeles · neighbors · smartass · that's trashy

Yes, this is from a college campus.

February 7th, 2011 · 113 Comments

Okay, crazy cat lovers — enough. Let’s get back to a topic we can all agree on, like, say, how some people are OMG soooo dumb. (Lawls all around!) For example, Jeremy claims the colorful banner to the left was posted by an R.A. at a dorm on his California college campus.

related: You say “debackle,” I say…who let you into college?

extra credit: How do you pronounce “Qatar”? [Slate]

Tags: California · college life · RA · rainbow-colored · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police

Best wishes, godless heathens!

October 27th, 2010 · 94 Comments

Although at first glance this card might seem pretty harmless, our submitter in Sacramento says she’s had enough experience with her new husband’s ultra-religious cousins to be able to read between the lines. (Just add “…before you’re both condemned to eternal damnation” to the end of the last sentence and you’ll get the idea.)

Though we were saddened that you didn't marry in the church we are still happy for you. May God guide you in your new life together. May you have many years of wedding [sic] bliss.

Adds our bristling bride: “I felt like telling her she could keep her $50 and her guilt trip, too, but decided I would have my revenge by having a long, happy, secular marriage instead.”

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

extra credit: the front of the card

Tags: family · Jesus · love & marriage · Sacramento · signed with love

What’s harder than changing the toilet paper roll?

September 30th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Well…lots of stuff.

You! Yeah you! Listen, you know what’s really difficult? Lots of stuff. For example:  • Running a marathon • Faking your own death • Trekking across the arctic tundra • Wrestling grizzly bears • Living to be 118 years old • Building a rocket ship • Flying a rocket ship • Breaking out of jail • Swallowing 10 light bulbs • Sharpening 3 pencils simultaneously  Most people wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t accomplish these tasks. They’re hard.  You know what’s not very difficult?  • Replacing the toilet paper roll  All you gotta do is look in that cupboard to your right. There’s a whole bunch of new rolls in there. If not, there’s more in the storage room by the kitchen.  If you’re having trouble with the dispenser, fear not. It’s actually a pretty simple feat to master. All you have to do is grip onto the cylinder and pull on it in a direction parallel to the wall. You’ll notice that due to the spring mechanism inside the cylinder, there is now a space in which the cylinder can be removed, thereby freeing it from the wall-mounted assembly. Now simply slide a new roll of toilet paper onto the cylinder and reverse the cylinder-removal process so that it is securely fastened to the wall assembly. The new roll should be able to spin freely on the cylinder, ready for the next person to use.

And yet, somehow, the employees at this office in Edmonton still can’t quite make TP happen. (Maybe wrestling grizzlies is more their forte?)

You! Yeah you! Listen, you know what’s really difficult? Lots of stuff. For example:  • Running a marathon • Faking your own death • Trekking across the arctic tundra • Wrestling grizzly bears • Living to be 118 years old • Building a rocket ship • Flying a rocket ship • Breaking out of jail • Swallowing 10 light bulbs • Sharpening 3 pencils simultaneously  Most people wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t accomplish these tasks. They’re hard.  You know what’s not very difficult?  • Replacing the toilet paper roll  All you gotta do is look in that cupboard to your right. There’s a whole bunch of new rolls in there. If not, there’s more in the storage room by the kitchen.  If you’re having trouble with the dispenser, fear not. It’s actually a pretty simple feat to master. All you have to do is grip onto the cylinder and pull on it in a direction parallel to the wall. You’ll notice that due to the spring mechanism inside the cylinder, there is now a space in which the cylinder can be removed, thereby freeing it from the wall-mounted assembly. Now simply slide a new roll of toilet paper onto the cylinder and reverse the cylinder-removal process so that it is securely fastened to the wall assembly. The new roll should be able to spin freely on the cylinder, ready for the next person to use.

Perhaps a visual aid (like this one from a Los Angeles apartment share) would be helpful?

Changing the toilet paper roll: a visual guide

Or maybe just a bit more encouragement would push someone over the edge?

Very good! Every day, you get me a little closer to where I belong. Love, T.P.

(Probably not, though.)

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance

Tags: bathroom · Edmonton · Los Angeles · most popular notes of 2010 · New York · signed with love · toilet paper · visual aids

Three never-ending office arguments

September 27th, 2010 · 61 Comments

I’d nominate all three of these for inclusion in the encyclopedia entry for “petty office debates.”

Exhibit a) From  San Francisco:

Your mother does not work here. This is disgusting for others who use this restroom. {Response:] YOU SURE NAG LIKE MY MOTHER

Exhibit b) From Jeron in Dallas:

To conserve energy, please turn off the dupe deck when you are done. Tks [RESPONSE:] food for thought: it may in fact consume more energy to continually turn it off + on.

Exhibit c) From Monterey, California:

Covering your food keeps microwave clean. Thnx! [RESPONSE:] Please state the obvious here...

related: Completely valid rebuttals

Tags: California · cleaning · Dallas/Fort Worth · energy usage · microwave · office · oh snap · rebuttals · San Francisco · that's disgusting · thx · Your mother doesn't...

How NOT to raise your neighborhood’s property values

September 19th, 2010 · 61 Comments

Tim lives in Northwest D.C., “at the front of the gentrification wave” flowing east from Dupont Circle. “We have (only) one rundown/uninhabited house on the block,” Tim says, “and this morning one of the other neighbors decided to mow the front lawn to tidy it’s appearance a bit.” While taking out the trash later that evening, Tim noticed that his neighbor’s good deed had been rewarded by this neighborly thank-you note.

Dear whoever mowed this lawm [sic], FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. If you're actually responsible for this property, clean up the fuck hobo shit laying around. The entrance to the cellar smells like 100% human feces. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES.

(As far as the smell goes…perhaps some people were under the same mistaken impression as those near this West Hollywood residence?)

This is a lawn, not a fucking diaper, thank you. Love, The people who live here

related: Gentrification is insanit(ar)y

Tags: D.C. · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · Los Angeles · odor · shit · signed with love · thanks (but not really) · that's disgusting · there goes the neighborhood

(Not) So Nice, (Not) So Smart

September 15th, 2010 · 58 Comments

Joe is an elementary school teacher in Long Beach, California. On the last day of summer school, he got this goodbye letter from one of his students. “It was really cute and sweet,” Joe says. “However, she does mention in the card that I am ‘not that smart.’ I asked her why she thought that, and apparently it’s because she saw me ask another teacher a question about grammar. Hilarious.”

You are so funny, and not that smart

Brandy in Citrus Heights, California received a note with a similar mixed message from her then-six-year-old daughter, who’s now 14. Really, I’m just glad just this letter wasn’t signed “love, your girlfriend.” Because that would not be cute.

I love you very much and you are very nice. I hope you stay with me forever and ever even though you are mean to me. I still love you! Love your daughter Ocean.

related: Mommy, I love you sometimes!!!!

extra credit: So Nice, So Smart [iLike]

Tags: California · kids · Mother-daughter notes · schools & teachers · signed with love

In case of emergency…well, you’re on your own.

August 30th, 2010 · 72 Comments

In one of my clearest memories of first grade, I distinctly remember my teacher telling us, on the first day of school, that the bathroom in the back of the classroom was only for emergencies. For non-emergencies, we’d have to wait until lunchtime. In my six-year-old mind, however, “emergency” meant only one thing: “throwing up.”  And so, when I had to go, I held it. And held it. Until…well, I wasn’t holding it anymore.

That’s right: It actually took wetting my pants for me to learn that the word “emergency” means very different things to different people — a concept some people apparently still haven’t figured out.

It’s unclear, for example, what might constitute a “citrus emergency” at this Pleasanton, California optometrist’s office. (Perhaps a masochistic mandarin peeling itself?)

NO CUTIE FINGERS IN THE LAB! CUTIE FINGER BUSINESS CAN BE CONDUCTED OUTSIDE THE LAB UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY. THANK YOU.

You might think people would be a little more precise in their language on a military base. At Arizona’s Fort Huachuca, you’d only be about half right.

NO WALK-INS EXCEPT FOR EMERGENCIES SUCH AS DEATHS & PAYROLL PROBLEMS

At Gustavo’s new office building in Seattle, it only took about a week — and about a bazillion false alarms— before someone decided a little clarification was necessary. (Sorta sounds like something you’d expect from a classroom of first-graders, no?)

Do not push this button unless the building is on fire and it is a big fire. Thank you. -Floor 21

Meanwhile, Andrew in Cirencester, England only noticed this sign after pushing open one of his office’s alarmed fire doors (triggering a sudden and unforeseen occurrence — i.e., ear-shattering noise).

SECURITY NOTICE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY EXIT AND SHOULD ONLY BE USED IN AN EMERGENCY. THEREFORE, PLEASE DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY. THE MEANING OF THE WORD EMERGENCY IS AN UNFORESEEN OR SUDDEN OCCURRENCE. e.g. YOU OR OTHERS ARE IN DANGER AND NEED TO EXIT THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY.

related: Gee, thanks for the clarification

Tags: Arizona · California · CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · obnoxious definition · office · Seattle · U.K. · WTF?

The cycle of (not) recycling

August 29th, 2010 · 49 Comments

These notes — the first from on office in California, the second from an office in Arkansas — both seem like they’re following the same not-quite-finished flowchart for acceptable office paper usage.

Before you take a sticky... Could this be done in Notepad?? (or Text Edit) If not, recycle when you're done!

A FULL PAGE FOR THIS?? HEAR OF 'POST-IT NOTES'?

Really, you’re in for a scolding no matter what. And as our submitter Hannah noticed — in this bizarre exchange from the copy room at a school in Spartanburg, South Carolina — contrition only seems to further incense the office Paper Nazis.

I am sorry for wasting this paper. It's people like you that should be struck from the earth!!!

related: Nothing fosters community like shared networked printers!

Tags: Arkansas · California · confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · office · recycling · South Carolina

The Toilet Paper Ministry

August 24th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Hey, look — it’s almost the entire 12-step program in one note! I especially like the abridged version: “To the idiot who stole: the world is your oyster.”

To the idiot who stole the toilet paper from here (Upper left-hand drawer, to be be exact) I think its time you re-examined your life. Is your main goal in life to root through drawers looking for something to wipe your ass with, or is there something I'm missing? Sure, you might have gotten away clean (Pardon the pun), but you really have to ask yourself if this is what all your hopes and dreams turned out to be.

related: Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?

Tags: "helpful" advice · heart · Orange County · stealing · TL;DR · toilet paper