Entries Tagged as 'Florida'

Playing chicken

March 23rd, 2015 · 70 Comments

So, this is what happens in Jacksonville, Florida when one neighbor accuses another of harboring illegal backyard fowl:

NO!!! WE DON'T HAVE CHICKENS OR ROOSTERS!

inappropriate hashtag

related: Cock fight!

extra credit: On the backyard chicken trend [npr.org]

Tags: #inappropriatehashtag · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Jacksonville · Oops?

Yours Truly, The Skid Marker

February 3rd, 2015 · 143 Comments

Our submitter says this note (and the accompanying response) was posted in the ladies restroom of a busy medical complex in Florida.

Yours Truly, The Skid Marker

related: POEP!

Tags: Florida · office · rebuttals · shit · toilet

Sinners in the hands of an angry American

January 29th, 2015 · 76 Comments

Amanda in Florida works near a lovely bridge where, she says, “you are almost assured to see manatees at every visit.” On one side of this bridge is “a very beautiful home”…and now this very disturbing sign.

I hope God takes pity on your soul because my nostrils are eager to be filled with he stench of your burning flesh as you descend into the depths of hell

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: die bitch die · Florida · not-so-veiled threats · public shaming · you're like so going to hell

But what does the fox say?

July 8th, 2014 · 97 Comments

Writes Kate in Pensacola, Florida: “There’s a new subdivision going up near me, and the farmer next door is NOT happy about it.”

NOTICE: This property is a farm Farms have animals. Animals make: Funny sounds Smell bad, and Have sex outdoors UNLESS YOU CAN TOLERATE Noise, Odors, and Outdoor sex DON'T BUY PROPERTY NEXT TO A FARM!

(And then, of course, there’s the city version…)

related: Oh, the rancher and the McMansioner should be friends

Tags: Florida · horses, cows, & chickens

A Snowball’s chance

November 20th, 2013 · 205 Comments

Our unapologetic submitter, Patrick from Orlando, Florida, says he’s always been more of a dog person. One day, he says, “I got fed up with the perpetual harassment of this neighborhood cat: getting into my trash, jumping onto my car, and might have even given me ringworm once.” His response?

I have shitty owners who don't feed me and let me run wild so I harass the neighbors. Signed, Snowball

Adds Patrick: “Crazy cat ladies must have some sort of sixth sense because I had an angry visitor at my front door within 15 minutes. To this day, Snowball still roams free.”

Snowball

related: The story of STUPID CAT

extra credit: Call for Cat Curfew [thecourier.com.au]

Tags: cats · neighbors · Orlando

Drag Queen Problems

September 22nd, 2013 · 47 Comments

Spotted backstage at a resort in St. Petersburg, Florida — drama! 

ALL DRAG QUEENS: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT JOBS AS A QUEEN IS LIPSYNCHING!!!!!! WE HAVE RECEIVED MANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT PERFORMERS NOT KNOWING THEIR WORD. THEREFORE WE WILL BE WATCHING VERY CLOSELY WEATHER [SIC] YOU KNOW YOUR WORDS OR NOT!!!! WATERMELON, WATERMELON, MOTHER FUCKER, WATERMELON WILL NOT WORK ANYMORE. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW YOUR WORDS YOU WILL NOT BE PAID FOR THAT NUMBER!!!! THATS ALL QUEEN.............

Or, as RuPaul put it:

related: Stripper Problems

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Florida · most popular notes of 2013 · spelling and grammar police

Dear toilet fairies: You totally suck at poetry.

September 5th, 2013 · 66 Comments

Katie says this was propped up in the ladies room at a senior citizen apartment building in Florida. Adds Katie: “I don’t care that they think the floor is dirtier, I’m not touching the floor either!”

Tinkle, tinkle, little star, Above the potty you hover so far. Crouching but high and almost motionless, Trying to avoid any germs, I guess. Very little do you know, More trouble lurks far below. You needn't worry about germs on the seat, Because the real germs to avoid are below you. Go ahead and plop your hinny right on down, You're sitting on the cleanest seat in town. Now, it you still insist on standing to pee, You are just leaving a mess for me. Author: Un-expecting Victim

related: Hover & Flow(chart); The Rhyme That Must Be Flushed

Tags: clip art catastrophe · Florida · old folks · pure poetry · toilet

Raging against the (vending) machine

August 28th, 2013 · 19 Comments

Writes Katy in Tampa: “The vending machines in my office are old, and they eat someone’s money at least once a week. The vending machine guy told us to put a sticky on the machine saying how much money you lost and he’ll refund it when he comes to fill the machine. Apparently the machine was hungry this week.”

Um...You might want to stop putting money in here!  Just a thought.

So, that was two weeks ago. Katy just wrote again with a follow-up: “Since the vending machine company has ignored our pleas to fix the machine, the notes just keep on coming.”

  I didn't lose any money, I just want to feel included. I didn't lose any money also, but I need to make my car payment - $275.00 Skip

related: The Candyman Can’t

Tags: money · office · smartass · Tampa · vending machine drama

Toilet: Not a Redneck Washing Machine

August 20th, 2013 · 41 Comments

Keith passed along this gem from his friend Ben, a professional musician, who spotted this on the wall of a restroom at a Central Florida club. (Another one for the “How many times did this have to happen before they made a sign about it?” files.)

Toilet: Not a Redneck Washing Machine!! You poop your pants Trash your underwear Do not hide in toilet!!

related: Hey you, you dumb redneck

Tags: bathroom · Florida · so this is a thing? · that's disgusting · that's trashy · toilet · WTF?

Free creamer!

June 26th, 2013 · 43 Comments

Writes our submitter in Florida: “My husband walked into his office breakroom to find this note. He immediately went back to his desk to write a response, but by the time he made it back to the fridge, he found that someone else had beat him to it.”

If you want to borrow my creamer PLEASE ask!!! Do not take it upon yourself to take it!!!

FREE CREAMER! Just grab out of bag

related: Coffee, mate?

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · Florida · office fridge · smartass