Entries Tagged as 'Florida'

Mothers, lock up your lawn ornaments!

April 12th, 2010 · 113 Comments

“My mother sent me this gem of a newspaper clipping from my hometown in Florida,” Kim says. “I didn’t know if she had any personal involvement in this tragedy, or if she just thought it was hilarious, like I did.”

(Perhaps it was intended as a cautionary tale. Or a warning to keep an eye out for one-legged flamingos?)

I live in Vero Lake Estates and some low-life, mother, daughter, husband son or neighbor came into my yard and took three ceramic mushrooms some time ago that I had for a few years. Now some low-life person came in my yard and took my three plastic flamingos that I have had in my yard for 20 years. They did leave one flamingo and tow of the legs from the others. I cannot understand this and please be sure when your wife, daughter, father or son comes home and says look what I bought at a yard sale, they are lying. If you have any feelings at all you, will return them with no questions asked. I will only beat you within an inch of your miserable life, thank you.

related: askin’ for it

Tags: Florida · newspaper · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · stealing

Coffee, mate?

April 7th, 2010 · 72 Comments

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

Not Community Property

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

To the person or persons who continue to consume my Coffee-Mate coffee creamer in spite of my name being clearly marked on the container: PLEASE STOP!!!!

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Dear Coffee Creamer Thief,  What part of DO NOT TOUCH don't you understand? This is NOT your creamer and I know you didn't ask me if you could have some. Get your own coffee creamer! >:( Querido Ladron de Crema! Que parte de NO TOCAR no entiende? Esta no es su crema y yo seque usted no me pregunto si podia tomasla. Compre tu propia crema para cafe!

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

BREAST MILK. Drink at your own risk. : /

URINE sample for my parole officer. Don't Touch.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Tags: California · coffee · New York · Northern Virginia · office fridge · Orlando · piss · stealing · Texas

Those that have the most to gain

November 19th, 2009 · 159 Comments

Shawna in Toronto spotted this note during a visit to her grandparents’ condo in Miami. The only remaining evidence of “despicable vandalism,” she says, was a bit of scratched paint. Making “those that have the most to gain”…the painting contractors?

passiveaggressivenotes.com: Enemies of the Building

related: be informed, homeland security will be

Tags: elevator · excessive underlining · Miami · vandalism

Sounds like you two deserve each other

September 21st, 2009 · 89 Comments

Danielle in Tampa, Florida found this note in the hallway of her apartment building. Writes Danielle: “I don’t know what the official story is, but I can assume that it is the same as every other ‘my roommate is a slob’ story. I’m a little confused about why this girl thought that leaving her garbage in our hallway would make people feel sorry for her, though.”

This garbage belongs to Kristina

sounds like you two deserve each other

related: Why the “seething and waiting” strategy will never work

Tags: college life · garbage · group bitchfest · neighbors · roommates · Tampa

And Jesus said “oh, snap!”

September 7th, 2009 · 137 Comments

Another sign of the times: Nick in Tampa, Florida says the sodas in his small office used to be free, but now they cost 50 cents. And yet, Nick says, “when they’re left out unguarded and unsecured, naturally, people steal them.”

Eventually, one coworker thought instilling the fear of god would make for a good theft-deterrent…which inspired another coworker to quote scripture in protest of the new drink policy.

jesus is watching you steal diet cokes

related: no, He uses vaseline

Tags: Diet Coke · Jesus · most popular notes of 2009 · office · oh snap · stealing · Tampa

Daddy’s little smartass

August 16th, 2009 · 47 Comments

Nick in Florida was in his car one day, when he “pulled up at a light, looked to my left, and immediately started laughing.” He quickly pulled out his iPhone, snapped a photo, then get stepped on the gas before daddy dearest could get out and beat the crap out of him.

I'm sorry Dad, Chelsea :)

Meanwhile, Lisa in Maryland spotted this in front of a small computer store near her office.

My Dad said change the sign so...I did :P

Sigh. Children are such a blessing!

related: and pull up your sign

Tags: car · Florida · kids · Maryland · Moms & Dads · smartass · smiley

Know sweat

July 7th, 2009 · 92 Comments

Writes Jaime in Austin: “My husband and I lift weights at Gold’s Gym and we love it (no, really!) — except for their new signage reminding people to mop up their sweat.”

Know you can wipe off the machine when you're done. (No, really you can.)

Meanwhile, next door…

(Well, sort of.) Kathryn spotted this similarly understated/backhanded message in an upscale Orlando, Florida boutique.

NOTICE WELCOME  Dear ladies,  Please, ladies if you just worked out next door and not showered we ask for your consideration, please do not try any clothing.   Thank you, Management

related: Like a rotten sponge

Tags: Austin · gym · hygiene · Orlando · retail hell

Free to be you and me

April 12th, 2009 · 95 Comments

Writes Jay in Miami Beach: “The woman who lives in Apt. 2, right next to the front door of the building, had such a stinky dog smell emanating from her apartment that you could smell it through the closed door.”

Presumably, she could hear everyone’s complaints through the closed door, too.

I'm Dirty and I LOVE it. I LOVE my dirty dog BAD smell. I DON'T CARE If it bother you. -Dirty Lady #2

Dirty Lady #2

related: When you can’t blame the dog

Tags: dogs · Miami · neighbors · odor · oh no you didn't

No, it’s not passive-aggressive

February 18th, 2009 · 114 Comments

…but this nail salon’s signage — photographed by Faye in Miami — is just too incredible not to share.

QT NAILS & SPA: Professionally Done By Asians QT NAILS & SPA: Professionally Done By Asians

related: Why I hate Miami, exhibit a

extra credit: Why are so many nail salons owned by Asians, anyway? [businessweek.com]

Tags: Florida · Miami · oh no you didn't · tangent time

P.P.S. Do you really have a belly like a bowl full of jelly? If so, you might want to lay off the cookies.

December 24th, 2008 · 42 Comments

“My 8-year-old daughter was concerned about all the pictures of Santa portraying him with a whip,” says Lisa in Orlando, “so she wrote him this letter, thinking he might appreciate her helpful advice on taking care of his animals.”

Dear Santa, I was wondering if you whipped your reindeer. You should stop because if you do your deer might try to run away. You shouldn't them too many cookies either because your reindeer might get sick. P.S. Have a holly jolly Christmas! Love, Ariel

related: no girls allowed

Tags: "helpful" advice · Christmas · Florida · holiday spirit · kids · Orlando · p.s. · signed with love