Entries Tagged as 'Chicago'

I’d second that request…

October 7th, 2013 · 38 Comments

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

This gum is really Gross :(  Is there a way you can collect this gum in your room? or throw it out?  Sincerely,  Your roommate who also showers here  Added comments: I have to second this request/ statement.  there is a garbage right over there!

related: Dear mother of hair baby

Tags: bathroom · Chicago · sad face · that's disgusting

A high-concept take-down of Chicago-style politics

September 12th, 2013 · 49 Comments

Earlier this week, on her usual walk to work across the UChicago campus, Lauren noticed a board topped by a cement block covering an open manhole. Then other day, however, she walked past the same spot to find this ingenious work of civic protest/prankery.

Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,  Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.  After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.  Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.  Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.  Office of the Mayor,  Rahm Emanuel  Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

Adds Lauren: “I’m most impressed by the obvious work involved in the sign’s construction, but bonus points are due for capturing the speaking style of our salty mayor.” (And yes, Lauren says: Chicago’s city seal really does include the image of a baby floating on a cloud.)

Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,  Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.  After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.  Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.  Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.  Office of the Mayor,  Rahm Emanuel  Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

related: Governor of California to State Senate: “Get Stuffed.”

Tags: Chicago · most popular notes of 2013 · raging against the machine · smartass

Sincerely, Plastic Bag

May 29th, 2013 · 86 Comments

I know this note has like, a lot of words in it, but seriously, all I see is wah wah wah.

An open letter to refrigerate-ers: Okay....YOU. The one who has a thermally-efficient backpack of a lunch bag. Really? Really? I bet's it's totally convenient, because no matter what you are bringing for lunch, you've got enough room in that thing, amiright? Plus it probably keeps your stuff nice and cool; yeah, specially designed for that. Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that you are going through airport security. If TSA size regulations require that your put that thing through the baggage scanner by itself, it probably doesn't belong in a refrigerator. I promise you there is enough empty space in there to hold an ice pack, which will get your leftovers through the lean hours between home and lunch quite nicely. I know this, because every time I have to extract it and plan an impromptu solo game of countertop Jenga, just so I can see into the refrigerator to find my super thin grocery store plastic bag with only my cold items it in, I can tell you've maybe used half the space you are taking up. Friendly suggestion...go on using that thing to keep your tasty morsels cold on the way to work, maybe even at your desk, but consider adding a more reasonably-sized extra layer of container around the guts inside of the monster, and putting that smaller package in the community refrigerator. (There are Sharpies in the supply closet if you need visual cues which lunch bundle is yours.) Bonus - less material in here makes it colder for everyone. That can of Coke you've got tastes better when it's had room to breathe.

related: Dear “Desperate for Salad”

Tags: Chicago · office fridge · TL;DR

Tacky, you say?

May 15th, 2013 · 35 Comments

Explains our submitter in Chicago: “Colleague A left the following note — an attempt to enforce an ambigious personal space decoration policy via shame — on Colleague B’s Eiffel Tower clip. (Note: Colleague A has no official authority over Colleague B.) I find the phrasing both poetic and hilarious.”

THIS EIFFEL TOWER IS TACKY. DON'T PUT IT ON TOP.

related: Do not lean on my pod!!!

Tags: a matter of taste · Chicago · office · office cop

The don of donut discipline

April 28th, 2013 · 144 Comments

Don is the organizer of a doughnut co-op in his Chicago office, in which each co-worker takes a turn bringing in doughnuts every Friday to share with the rest of the group. “One of my co-workers is notorious for cutting doughnuts in half and leaving the other half behind in the box,” Don says, “which annoys some of the other members of the co-op. Apparently a co-worker felt that I was failing to maintain doughnut discipline and took it upon himself to post this warning.”

Adds Don: “Half-doughnuts are no longer showing up.”

Bad: Thinking of cutting a donut. Worse: Actually cutting a donut. Worst: Cutting a donut and leaving the other half behind. Better: Cutting a donut and throwing the other half away. Best: Eat the whole damn donut!

related: The Office Breakroom Nibbler

Tags: Chicago · etiquette · food · most popular notes of 2013 · office

Gee, thanks for the advice.

February 20th, 2013 · 66 Comments

Steve in Los Angeles says his dog has been having some separation anxiety, typically crying for about 30 minutes to an hour after Steve leaves for work. He recently found this oh-so-helpful advice taped to his front door. (His response: “WTF?!”)

Hello, I'm not sure if you're aware but your dog barks almost non stop when you're gone. He seems very unhappy. I had a similar problem but finally worked it out. Good luck.

Steve, just to put things in perspective, you might want to take a look at the Chicago approach:

To the inconsiderate asshole on the third floor who's dog won't shut the fuck up. If you don't start closing your window, the dog is gonna take a bullet. You've been warned.

related: My bite is work than your bark

Tags: "helpful" advice · Chicago · dogs · Los Angeles · neighbors · noise · warning

Is this a toilet?

December 19th, 2012 · 54 Comments

Apparently, when is comes to judging the average person’s ability to correctly assess, “Should I urinate here?” you really can’t be too careful.

In the interest of health these toilets have been sealed. DO NOT USE!!!

Due to persons repeatedly urinating in the elevator, it has been turned off until further notice. If you have any information about the persons responsible, please contact Bill in Centennial 144. Your honesty will be appreciated and will lead to a speedy return of the elevator. Fun Fact: You and your roommate share a bathroom with your suitemates. In this bathroom there should be a toilet. If you are missing a toilet, please call the Fix-It Line at x4687

Health Notice Toilet Issues The Tanning Room is not a Restroom!  It is extremely dangerous for A Total Tan employees to clean up trash cans and under rugs that people have used instead of the public toilet. This will no longer be tolerated!  A Total Tan has a computer record of everyone using each tanning room. In the future, using the tanning room as a toilet will not be tolerated. This will be very embarrassing to you!  It is not embarrassing for us to restart your bed if you need to stop before or during your session. Simply put on your clothes and ask the employee to stop your session.

Especially, it seems, in Chicago — as witnessed by both Julie and Whitney. Although, “To be fair,” Whitney adds, “the entire city seems to be fair game for public urination.”

ObviouslyPlease do not USE this bathroom! I thought the lack of a door indicated that fact, obviously I was wrong.I was wrong

Please - this is not a toilet

related: What is it about thrift store fitting rooms?!

extra credit: Street art by ELBOW-TOE

This is not a urinal.

Tags: Chicago · piss · toilet

So this is what a “compassionate conservative” looks like?

June 21st, 2012 · 108 Comments

Jen in Concord, Massachusetts is pretty sure she has a Romney supporter to thank for the friendly note left on her car during a recent trip to Target.

Dear Friend, Someone defaced your car w/ an Obama sticker, just thought you should know, hate to see you look like an idiot.

“Fortunately,” she says, “the Obama sticker (which is actually a magnet and very easily removed) was left intact, as was the Darwin fish.”

The sticker

UPDATE: Closer to the election, Samantha was surprised to find a similar (copycat?) note on her car in the President’s hometown of Chicago.

Hi! We noticed that someone vandalized your car and put this Obama bumper sticker on it.  Just making sure you noticed it so you can take it off before you are mistaken for a total dufus. —A good Samaritan

related: Herbie goes to Washington; When Mavericks Attack

Tags: "helpful" advice · Chicago · Massachusetts · politics

Sincerely, Commando

March 1st, 2012 · 51 Comments

“I love my neighbor’s passion,” says Del in Chicago. “This is totally something I would do.”

Hmm, Del. To which of  your two neighbors are you referring?

To the Fucking Asshole that stole all of my underwear: This is the 2nd time that this has happened. Yes, they are nice underwear, yes, they are expensive, but why can't you just go to Cram on Broadway and buy your own?  I am going to do everything in my power to find you, and I'm going to fuck your world up.  I am going to sand paper fist fuck your asshole.  Get ready for a world of pain mother fucker.  Sincerely, Commando

related: Panty raid!

Tags: Chicago · laundry · most popular notes of 2012 · not-so-veiled threats · stealing

The milk chocolate…not in your hand

February 12th, 2012 · 32 Comments

There’s a vending machine troll on the loose in Chicago!

My Peanut M&Ms got stuck, so I'd either like my 80 cents back or my peanut M&Ms. Thanks! Deanna Response: I GOT 2 PEANUT M&Ms FOR THE PRICE OF 1! WHAT A GLORIOUS WEDNESDAY!

related: The Candyman Can’t

Tags: candy · Chicago · smartass · vending machine drama