Entries Tagged as 'New Jersey'

Which one of these is not like the other?

January 5th, 2014 · 116 Comments

Writes Meg in New Jersey: “We just buried my Mom today. After Mass and luncheon we came home and unpacked cards from the funeral home. This is from my brother’s office.” Can you tell who didn’t bother to read the card before signing it?

Which one of these is not like the other?

related: My condolences on your birthday

Tags: New Jersey · Oops?

Welcome to the Jersey Shore

July 2nd, 2012 · 44 Comments

Molly said this ice cream shop on the Jersey Shore was filled with signs of the “You’re in New Jersey, bitch” variety, but this one was perhaps the most obnoxious of them all.

“As it turns out,” Molly says, “my imagination didn’t quite capture the essence of the Mocha Chocolate Crunch that I ordered. If I’d had a sample, I would have realized the nuttiness was just too much for my delicate palate.”

We do not offer sampling. However, if you do need to try something, we suggest you try imagining what that particular flavor would taste like.

related: It’s not food, it’s ice cream!

Tags: "customer service" · ice cream · New Jersey · tourists

Hundreds & Thousands (of bad things will befall you)

May 19th, 2012 · 35 Comments

The good news? Stealing sprinkles from this New Jersey yogurt shop won’t lead to eternal damnation!

CUSTOMERS WHO STEAL TOPPINGS: Will be shamed for life, be cursed with 7 years bad luck, suffer heartache, never find true love, DIE eventually, lose their self-respect, & more...

Thanks to Lauren in Princeton, NJ for submitting!

related: Wrath of the Ancients

 

Tags: New Jersey · warning

No Dumping Zone

January 30th, 2012 · 40 Comments

To me this sounds suspiciously like an episode of The League, but Stephen from Cherry Hill, New Jersey claims his daughter recently caught him heading into the bathroom “for a little sit-down,” laptop in hand. When five-year-old Rosie asked why Daddy was bringing his computer into the fecal mist zone, he replied, “Multi-tasking.”

A few minutes later, Rosie slipped the following note under the door. (The drawing had already been done earlier.)

What are you thinking Dad? That's a horrible thing to do.

Translation: What are you thinking Dad? That’s a horrible thing to do.

Can you really argue with her?

related: Never put nature aside for television.

Tags: Father-daughter notes · hygiene · kids · New Jersey

Gas Boys: the Salonnières of Central New Jersey

January 29th, 2012 · 29 Comments

My friend Brooke said the doors at this New Jersey gas station were covered with notes, but this one in particular caught her attention.

I exactly know today is a cold day and to stay alive I have to stay warm! I have a smart phone which tell me weather seven days ahead. I like to talk about Oscars nomination or the last night game.

(I particularly enjoyed the suggested topics of conversation. Kinda softened the tone a bit compared to this version from Toronto, no?)

Weather changes. Often. It's not always what you expect. Sometimes it is. Life is better if you are dressed appropriately for the weather. I think we have, pretty much, squared away the deal with weather.

related: A plea from your Boston-area barista

 

Tags: gas station · New Jersey · small talk

Christmas lights manufactured by a particularly hardcore Elf on the Shelf

December 13th, 2011 · 48 Comments

Angela and her father were poking around the local dollar store in Metuchen, New Jersey when we they came across these boxes of Christmas lights.

“We originally thought these vaguely ominous messages were meant to harken back to the ‘true spirit of Christmas’ but these threats don’t exactly engender goodwill toward men,” Angela says. “I don’t know for whom these vaguely ominous messages are really intended, but s/he must have seriously pissed off the manufacturer.”

PEOPLE ARE WRONG TO FOCUS NARROWLY ON THEMSELVES

PEOPLE ARE WRONG TO FOCUS NARROWLY ON THEMSELVES

IF YOU SACRIFICE OTHERS FOR YOURSELF, YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.

 IF YOU SACRIFICE OTHERS FOR YOURSELF, YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.

related: Subliminal self-esteem killers

extra credit: Evil Elf on the Shelf

Tags: Christmas · most popular notes of 2011 · New Jersey · WTF?

Well, so much for “have a nice summer, see you next year”

July 4th, 2011 · 80 Comments

Writes Roxanne in New Jersey: “When my niece, Diana, returned from a yearbook-signing party, she showed me this inscription from a girl who Diana says she hardly even knows. We’re both dying to know what those terrible warnings about her could have been (but of course, grateful that Leah apparently gave her a chance in spite of them.)”

Hey Diana! It was great getting to know you this year.  A lot of people warned me about you, but you're not so bad! heart, Leah.

related: 2good 2be 4gotten

Tags: heart · mean girls · New Jersey · schools & teachers

The dos and don’ts of “Do not touch”

August 12th, 2010 · 52 Comments

Nadia in Greensboro, North Carolina spotted this gem of a “you break it, you buy it” specimen at a local thrift store. “Apparently,” she writes, “Secondhand Punctuation Has Its Drawbacks? You Can’t Pick And Choose? You Have To Make Do With What You Have On Hand? Handwritten Notes Are Not Exceptions?”

Please Ask For Assistance Before Touching? If You Break You Buy?

The D.C. tourist trap that Amy visited took a less tentative tack with its signage, though I doubt the “four times is better than one” approach is any more effective.

warning Kids do not touch Kids do not touch Kids do not touch Kids do not touch You break and you will pay full price.. no exceptions

These two stores, on the other hand, pretty much nail it with reverse psychology.

Go ahead, put your mouth all over these, everybody else does. God weeds out the weak.

LICE? WE HOPE NOT — GOOD LUCK!! TRY ON ANOTHER HAT....!

related: As Davy Crockett once said…

Tags: bad sales pitch · confusion??? · New Jersey · retail hell · reverse psychology · touching · unnecessary "quotation marks"

Daddy, why are all the cages empty?

July 15th, 2010 · 122 Comments

You’re a zookeeper. You’re sick of answering the same damn question all day long. How do you handle it?

Well, there’s the PC approach…

Our octopus has completed its life cycle. A new octopus will be here soon.

The pedantic approach…

Writes Sarah in Los Angeles:

And then there’s my personal favorite, the German approach.

Why did you feed me to death? Feeding our animals is forbidden! In remembrance of our Pony

(Thanks to Gina in Cincinnati, Sarah in Los Angeles, and Andrea in Berlin for their submissions!)

related: Don’t die; it’s expensive

Tags: animal welfare · Berlin · Deutsche · Kentucky · most popular notes of 2010 · New Jersey

From the Department of Inappropriate Clip Art

May 28th, 2010 · 36 Comments

Just in time for WTF? Friday…

Exhibit a) Posted on the front door of Ruth‘s apartment complex just outside Washington, D.C.

On Thursday, May 27, 2010 the Sheriff's Office is scheduled for evictions within our Community [on a classic Word template with trumpets and confetti]

Exhibit b) From a parole liaison at the New Jersey Department of Corrections:

Parole Dates/Max Releases

Exhibit c) From a vacation rental home in Maine, as spotted by Mike from Philadelphia, who adds, “I’m allergic to type set in Comic Sans.”

Our septic system is very allergic to sanitary products of all types. Please do not flush diapers, sanitary pads or tampons and the like. Thank you.....

related: Screenbeans are never okay

Tags: clip art catastrophe · Comic Sans Alert · D.C. · Maine · New Jersey · WTF?