The good news? Stealing sprinkles from this New Jersey yogurt shop won’t lead to eternal damnation!

Thanks to Lauren in Princeton, NJ for submitting!

related: Wrath of the Ancients

A few months ago, Christie in North Carolina joined a group on Meetup.com, but never found the time to attend any of the actual meetups. This, it seems, is a serious breach of Meetup netiquette. Recently, the group’s owner did Christie the favor of explaining why she was being kicked out of the group — for her own benefit, of course.

Explains Kevin in Los Angeles: ”The hospital basement has a corridor lined with call rooms assigned to the residents from various medical specialties. While the department of medicine easily surpasses all other specialties in number of reserved rooms, they have started squatting in other rooms as well. It looks like the psych residents were not pleased by this antisocial behavior.”

related: A little bit of psycho-therapy

Well, this is a new one.

“Just…wow,” says our submitter in Springfield, Illinois. “I’ve never been told that I have to assess my the consistency of my fecal matter prior to it leaving my body.”

related: How you say diarrhea politely?

“While stopping for our millionth potty break,” a road-tripping Rachel from Atlanta pondered the circumstances that could have inspired this intolerable discombobulation at a Tennessee gas station. “I don’t know what happened,” she says, “but that’s a hell of a lot of exclamation marks!!!”

p.s. dis·com·bob·u·la·tion, noun — confusion: a feeling of embarrassment that leaves you confused

related: Pain (and disgust) at the pump

Matt and his girlfriend were taking a stroll through her parents’ neighborhood (of mostly-legal manor homes?) when they came across this pile of aging newspapers.

“We thought it was good of the employer to be willing to give the delivery boy a chance to explain himself,” Matt says. “However, the sign remains.”

related: What’s black, white, and totally over?

extra credit: Arrested Downton

Kelli in North Dakota says one of her neighbors plastered the entire building with these notes, directed to a certain wannabe baseball player/bull rider/oral cancer patient.

(Some not-so-fun facts: At 15.3%, North Dakota has the second-highest rate in the country of tobacco-chewing high schoolers. Among North Dakotan adult males, about 1 in 10 chews.)

Meanwhile, here in Texas, submitter Katie is unsure whether her neighbors’ cars are being pelted with the likes of Copenhagen or queso. (In Texas, it really could go either way.)

related: My garbage can is not your spit cup. 

Kayla says this message was left in the dorm laundry room after a girl’s clothes disappeared.

(I can just see the snarky follow-ups now…”Awesome! Free goldfish!”)

related: To the asshole that stole all of my underwear…