Entries Tagged as 'United States'

Ah, the miracle of childbirth!

March 13th, 2014 · 135 Comments

Isaac prefaces this by saying, “I feel bad for the person who posted this screed. I really do.”

But — and isn’t there always a but? — he adds: “The university library here has a HUGE laptop and gadget-theft problem, and there are signs everywhere warning people not to leave their stuff unattended. This guy left a $2000+ shiny Apple laptop just sitting on a table, with all of his super-sentimental irreplaceable pictures on it, and just walked away. And then expected nothing to happen. Really?

My Apple MacBook Pro was stolen January 30 from the Alexander Library at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J.  I have just a few words for the opportunistic, cowardly thief, and I would like to throw them out into the universe so I can move on:  First, I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are least some portion of an actual human being with a conscience and a degree or two of a moral compass...  Before you wipe my computer clean (and sell it to feed whatever disgusting vice moves you), you should open some of the folders of photography from the last 35 days. You will find all of the images and video I shot of my son Gavin since he was born on Dec, 31, 2013. Spending every moment I could with him since he was born, the backing up of my files took a back seat; your one selfish act has robbed Gavin, my wife, and my family of many irreplaceable memories. You stole everything we had to document Gavin's arrival into the world.  You should look at those photos and ask yourself a few questions about who you are. What kind of future do you think you will have if you are capable of so casually inflicting pain on other people? If you can look at those images of my son in the isolate, jabbed with i.v.'s and struggling to keep his premature body warm, and you don't feel something, then you are a lost cause. There is no pathos for you. You have chosen your path and you will walk alone to the grave. You have taken so much from me, my son, and my wife, but I can still pick up my son and feel his perfect breath on my cheek. Good luck ever finding that in your life.

related: Which is a more despicable crime?

Tags: college life · guilt trip · New Jersey · purple prose · stealing

Can’t you go back to parking down by the river?

March 5th, 2014 · 67 Comments

Writes Jack in Seattle: “A friend of ours is a professional tile setter and general handyman. Sometimes he stays over and parks his work van on our block. We found this note on his windshield one morning after Sunday brunch. It’s so typically ‘Seattle’ it’s hard to be offended.”

No offense but this van looks hella creepy at night.  can you park it in front of someone else's house from now on.  I'd really appreciate it.  Thanks :) -easily creeped out neighbor

Meanwhile, Charon noticed that this van-owner in Couer d’Alene, Idaho did get offended, “apparently because he owns a creepy van and people pointed out that it was creepy.”

hey lady I own a home next to the school, I like this van, and now I've been profiled for driving home. I work at the Hayden Library, my wife nurses the dying, you owe us an apology.

P.S. Van owner: Maybe “I own a home next to the school” wasn’t the best way to get your point across here?

related: I don’t know you, and this is crazy…but your boyfriend’s hot, and your parking’s lazy.

extra credit: the 10 creepiest vans [jalopnik.com]

Tags: Idaho · kinda creepy · parking · Seattle · smiley

“I power walked so powerfully I got the runs!”

March 4th, 2014 · 56 Comments

So, this happened.
To the 'power walker' in the black hoodie and sunglasses who POOPED behind this AC unit on the morning of February 28th. I just wanted to let you know that I saw your take your dump. You may want to choose a better spot the next time you feel the urge to go. P.S. Don't litter please. Next time take the tissue you wiped with.

And Dani in Texas…thanks for sharing?

related: A nasty twist on “Man Bites Dog”
extra credit: Nance Bodean’s Guide to Power Walking [youtube]

Tags: p.s. · shit · Texas

How many cliches can we fit on one piece of paper?

February 27th, 2014 · 55 Comments

So, which jumble o’ jargon would you rip off the wall first?

Exhibit A?

PLAY hard & WORK hard. Make everything count!

or Exhibit B?

Your mother does not work here! If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be neat and wipe the seat (and floor!)

Coincidentally, both of these notes come to us from Colorado, apparently the least creative state in the union.

Go ahead and post those speculative explanations regarding The Centennial State’s staggering dearth of originality in the comments below. Then we’ll circle back to brainstorm some synergistic solutions. (“The Centennial State?” Really? It’s like you’re not even trying, Colorado!)

related: The rhyme that must be flushed

Tags: Colorado · office · toilet · Your mother doesn't...

Lipstick Kisses and Pizza Breath Dreams

February 24th, 2014 · 32 Comments

Writes Jean in Minneapolis: “Apparently some cool college girls decided to leave their mark on the wall of this pizza joint, just out of eye shot from the kitchen. The entire hallway is sprinkled with lipstick kisses.”

To: Anyone who puts kissing stains on this wall - We wash this wall with toilet water. Thank you

related: Do not kiss on someone else’s kiss

Tags: Minneapolis/St. Paul · restaurant · so this is a thing? · that's unsanitary

Got it, Ed?

February 19th, 2014 · 40 Comments

Our submitter spotted this behind a building on a college campus in Maine — a college that apparently does not tolerate outside-the-utility-box thinking among its employees.

ED THIS IS HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PAINT THEM

Poor Ed. If only he worked in a jurisdiction where his style of painting could truly be appreciated, like, say, San Francisco…

Or Boston…

 

Or Salem, Massachusetts…

…or dozens of other cities around the world. Don’t give in to the man, Ed!

related: The Gateway to Contractor Hell

 

Tags: Maine · public shaming

The sugar shelf of death

February 18th, 2014 · 140 Comments

“There’s a shelf in our office, where, every couple of days someone will contribute some sort of sugary/fatty treat,” writes Laura in Seattle. Luckily, one of her coworkers stepped up to enlighten everyone about the death trap they’ve created.”

GET RID OF SUGAR. It's more poisonous than HEROIN. If refined sugar were discovered, it would be categorized as a narcotic like cocaine and heroin; it's as addictive and kills millions more people than all drug overdoses combined. Think about it. Obesity-related illnesses kill more people than everything else combined. And the No. 1 causes of obesity and sugar, fat, and salt.

 

GET RID OF SUGAR. It's more poisonous than HEROIN. If refined sugar were discovered, it would be categorized as a narcotic like cocaine and heroin; it's as addictive and kills millions more people than all drug overdoses combined. Think about it. Obesity-related illnesses kill more people than everything else combined. And the No. 1 causes of obesity and sugar, fat, and salt.

related: Cupcakes are a gateway drug!

Tags: food · hey fatty · office cop · questionable logic · Seattle

I love you…but I love you more when you’re skinny.

February 11th, 2014 · 101 Comments

Writes Joshua in Salt Lake City: “This past year I’ve been trying to lose weight. It’s been up and down. Apparently my mother knows that.”

Happy Valentine's Day Josher! 'Skinny Josh Bag' Proud of you! What's the day without the candy bag...just 'Chew & Spit'

related: Mom is my favorite passive-aggressive Valentine

Tags: heart · hey fatty · Mother-son notes · Salt Lake City · signed with love · Valentine's Day · xoxo

When your coworkers are frat boys

February 7th, 2014 · 72 Comments

Our submitter says that his office in  Phoenix, Arizona has a charming little tradition, namely, “If you’re gone for a few days, your office gets trashed.” (I’m guessing something along these lines.)

It looks like this notewriter was hoping for a reprieve, under the circumstances. So, Sean, listen up!

Just remember I am attending my Grandmother's funeral should you consider decorating (trashing) my office or playing any other mean pranks.

related: If there were every a time to hold your red pen…

Tags: actually totally reasonable · office · Phoenix

Crafty like a fox

February 4th, 2014 · 45 Comments

Apparently the employees of this retail establishment in North Carolina didn’t take it seriously when the ladies from the shop next door asked them to stop blocking their employee entrance with garbage cans. (Perhaps  they didn’t understand what was meant by Don’t make us bedazzle your asses?)

One day, our submitter says, one of the offending trash cans was found covered in gift wrap, complete with a bow. Sadly, no photo was taken pre-unwrapping, but this sign remains in the shared hallway as a reminder.

Anything left up against this door is likely to be bedazzled, modge-podged, or glittered.  Seriously.  We love sparkly s%#&!

UPDATE: It looks like our crafty crafters followed through on their threats!

It's a fire exit

 

Make art, not war

related: Girls gone wild…with colored markers.

 

Tags: garbage · North Carolina · rainbow-colored · retail hell