Entries Tagged as 'United States'

Oh, shit!

November 11th, 2007 · 170 Comments

My own neighborhood of Park Slope, Brooklyn has high concentrations of dogs, babies, crazies and bloggers, which makes for a heady brew of incredibly well-documented passive-aggressiveness. Certain notes (like this long-running series) show up in my inbox over and over again. I’ve gotten various iterations of this note from no fewer than six different people over the past few months, with good reason.

'poop'

I think the dogged persistence of the note-writer is pretty incredible in its own right, but even better is what the note doesn’t quite explain: these bags weren’t just being stolen — some “juvenile/adult delinquent” was also cutting the bottom of the bags, then putting them back for the next unsuspecting dog-walking victim. Oh, shit!

go find another thrill

juvenile/adult delinquent

(Thanks to William, Kathleen, Elaine, Sarah, T-1-11, and JM for submitting!)

related: What is it about dog crap that pushes Brooklynites over the edge?

Tags: apostrophe abuse · Brooklyn · dogs · ellipses-crazed · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · Park Slope · saga · shit · unnecessary "quotation marks"

Who are you calling OCD?

November 8th, 2007 · 147 Comments

This just in: starving unborn children aren’t the only casualties of office fridge lunch thievery. As one anonymous New Yorker reports, now the sick and the infirm are being picked off, too!

To the person who took it upon themselves to clean out the 12th floor fridge: Thank you so much for your initiative!

(Thank you kindly? Best wishes? Hungry on the 12th floor, you kill me.)

Tags: cleaning · exclamation-point happy!!!! · food · guilt trip · ital overkill · New York · office fridge · questionable logic · rhetorical question · sarcasm · thanks (but not really)

Why-Fi

November 7th, 2007 · 100 Comments

“Apparently I needed to help pay for the growing Internet bill,” says our anonymous submitter from Boston. “This was the only way I was notified: no connection and a wireless LAN reprogrammed with a new password.”

InternetCosts$

But password-protecting your network is actually a relatively direct (and dare I say, more effective) approach compared to this…

STOP Stealing My Internet

Tags: actions speak louder · Boston · money · roommates

Be informed, Homeland Security will be

November 6th, 2007 · 197 Comments

PES picked this note out of an apartment building in Newark, New Jersey in 2004 because he loved the third paragraph, which is oh-so-amazing. Add in the peculiar diction and the glorious redundancy of it all, and you’ve got one fucking delicious note.

be informed, homeland security will be

related: Your to lazy

extra credit: For more deliciousness, be sure to check out the stop-motion shorts at eatpes.com.

Tags: CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · garbage · gloriously redundant · graffiti · landlords and property managers · loitering · most popular notes of 2007 · New Jersey · Newark · not-so-veiled threats · questionable logic · shameless meme-mongering · smoking · vandalism

The Jake Issues

November 5th, 2007 · 186 Comments

Says our anonymous contributor from Los Angeles: “This is page three (!) of a three-page letter of complaints from my wife’s (ex) office manager to the heads of the company.” Apparently one of her co-workers, Jake, merited his own page. (No word on how this went over with the bosses.)

1. Jake needs to do something about his flatulence problem - this is a constant issue, which he thinks is funny - and burning matches does not solve the problem. A slip once in a while is forgivable, but this is just rude and disgusting. 2. Jake need stop using the speakerphone when I'm at my desk - dialing a number is one thing, entire conversation is another. 3. Jake should also be mindful of his speaking volume while he's on the phone. While on his phone, he can be heard at [redacted's] desk as if he's standing right next to you - that is too loud. Plus often he is standing over pacing at his desk while on the phone (or besides our desks when on his cell phone.) If he's sitting, the half wall at least helps to minimize a bit, but lowering his town on the whole would be best. desks when on his cell phone.) If he's sitting, the half wall at least helps to minimize a bit, but lowering his town on the whole would be best. Jake should be mindful that others partake of things in the office as well as him. One tea bag (or package of oatmeal) per cup not 2 or 3. If we have snacks, he should not eat everything until it is gone rather than allow things to remain available over the course of the day. Others may want to have the snack later, but usually if they wait, it won't be there because Jake's already eaten it. He should be embarrassed that he is known as the scavenger of the office.

Tags: bullet points · cell phone · flatulence · food · Los Angeles · loud talker · noise · oatmeal · office · tea · that's disgusting

Now finish up them taters, I’m gonna go fondle my sweaters

November 2nd, 2007 · 488 Comments

Writes Tessa, who works at a restaurant in Albuquerque: “The day manager left this note for the night cook, who does spend all night smoking, watching TV and calling his girlfriend on the business phone.” (I’m sure this note will absoutley set him straight.)

now finish up them taters, i'm gonna go fondle my sweaters

Tags: Albuquerque · now that's management · restaurant · smoking · spelling and grammar police

Pumpkin with a death wish

October 31st, 2007 · 82 Comments

Sarah in Richmond says this jack-o-lantern appeared just minutes ago near the stairs to her apartment. We’ll call this the “before” shot…

QUIT STOMPING

Stay tuned for the “after” photo: punkin stomped to bits by contrarian trick-or-treaters.

Happy Halloween, kids!

Tags: Halloween · neighbors · noise · Richmond

The “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry

October 31st, 2007 · 215 Comments

My former roommate Eric inspired this roundup (and an overly dramatic round of gagging/hair-pulling/eye-gouging on my part) by passing along a photo of this sign spotted on Marco Island, Florida — though it could have been anywhere on Main Street, USA. (Note the small print at top, which reads: “Signs sold in our gift shop.”)

Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy

I think the only thing that could make this sign more irritating would be if it said — shudder — “expresso.” This sign must be stopped!

Unattended children will be given a cup of espresso and a free puppy

Unattended children will be given an espresso and a puppy

We love kids, but please keep yours at your table! Unattended children will be given a shot of espresso and a free puppy. Thanks

Wandering children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy to take home! Thank you!

Children Left Unattended Will Be Given An Espresso And A Puppy

Unattended Children Will Be Given An Espresso And A Free Puppy

Children left unattended will be given an espresso and a Free Puppy

Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy

related: Unattended children will be shot

Tags: "customer service" · Florida · kids

Wake me up? Wham!

October 30th, 2007 · 248 Comments

Bradley in New York woke up yesterday to find this little love note from his girlfriend. (His explanation? “She’s a light sleeper.”) I feel her pain. If there’s a sound more irritating than a Nokia ring tone, the pathetic “I’m dying” whine of an out-of-juice cell phone just might be it.

no excuse

Meanwhile, Chris’s friend Michelle doesn’t appreciate having her beauty rest disturbed, either…

no joke

Tags: cell phone · more aggressive than passive · New York · noise · not-so-veiled threats · San Jose · sig o · signed with love

Nice try

October 29th, 2007 · 203 Comments

Lanqui spotted this note on a moped that was locked to a street sign in Greenwich Village. That bit of orange there? Yup, that would be a ticket.

To parking cop:  This is a moped, not a motorcycle. This engine is smaller than that of a scooter's even (think vespa). Therefore it should be fine to lock up on the sidewalk.

Tags: excessive underlining · New York · parking · raging against the machine · scooters & mopeds · that's illegal · the po-po · woulda shoulda coulda