Entries Tagged as 'Texas'

Maybe if you had just an itty-bitty limp?

February 17th, 2009 · 342 Comments

First of all, the disclaimer: Our anonymous submitter in Houston lives in an apartment complex with very limited parking for residents. “When I come home from work late at night,” she explains, “the handicapped parking spot is typically the only one available.” That excuse, however, doesn’t seem to cut it for one of her neighbors.

As you’ll see from the note left on our submitter’s windshield, this eagle-eyed neighbor perhaps isn’t what you’d call “book-smart,” but — gosh darn it — what she lacks in basic spelling and grammar skills she more than makes up for with raw gumption and a steely sense of self-righteousness!

To my horror, you don't have a single bit of a limp.

[Rough translation, from our anonymous submitter: "I see that you are not handicapped, but you park in the handicapped parking spot in our apartment complex. I am not handicapped, and I don't know anyone in the complex who is, but I feel entitled to tell you to stop parking there.  Furthermore, I feel entitled enough to have your car towed if you park there again."]

related: Mahvelous, just mahvelous

Tags: "helpful" advice · Houston · kinda creepy · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · parking · smiley · Texas · that's illegal

Oral argument

December 11th, 2008 · 69 Comments

Our defendant, Lee in Austin, was just finishing off a travel-sized toothpaste from a recent business trip when Lee’s roommate — apparently oblivious to this small change in routine — became convinced that Lee was mooching off her tube of Advance White.

“My roommate told my boyfriend that she had left me ‘a note,’ and about a week later he asked me if I had seen it. I had not, because, in fact, I had never touched her damn toothpaste. But now, every time I reach for my toothpaste, I see this.”

Being passive-aggressive - please buy your own

And by the way, adds Lee, “She [said roommate] is currently out of shampoo.”

related: Oh, please. Do I look like someone who uses drugstore shampoo?

Tags: Austin · hygiene · meta · roommates · sharing is caring

Ceci n’est pas une poubelle

December 2nd, 2008 · 100 Comments

I hereby declare the writer of the second note in this exchange (from a college art studio in Texas) the winner of the season’s official “oh, snap!” award.

(Sure, the original note-writer might have a case — but just like those pesky BCS rankings, style points count, baby!)

This is NOT a trashcan! If you think it is you should rethink your life choices!

related: i before e except after c ftw

Tags: art · Austin · college life · garbage · oh snap · Texas

How I “did” my Grandma

September 30th, 2008 · 88 Comments

“My dear, sweet grandmother lived a long, full life and passed away recently at the age of 88,” writes Mark in Denton, Texas, but he still has the valentine his “Memaw” sent him back in 2005, during his freshman year of college.

Before the cockles of your heart get too warmed, however, take note: says Mark, “What appears at first glance to be an innocent, heartfelt valentine turned out to contain a message that pretty much sums up how she felt about me going to college a whole hour-and-a-half away, rather than the crappy local college…because apparently, that was my way of saying that my home and family just weren’t important to me.”

You will remember how you are doing me when I am gone.

On behalf of Jewish grandmas everywhere…Happy Rosh Hashanah, everyone!

related: Why is it on this night we’re like, allowed to eat carbs?

Tags: college life · family · Grandma · guilt trip · Say wha? · signed with love · Texas

Just one question…

September 28th, 2008 · 119 Comments

WHY?!?

Seriously?

Dear Peter, Are you Retarded? Love, Sean

related: Two words: missing tarantula.

Tags: confusion??? · family · food · office · Ontario · signed with love · Texas

As Davy Crockett once said…

September 8th, 2008 · 146 Comments

I recently returned from a few days in San Antonio, Texas, where my friend Matt and I amused ourselves on the Riverwalk with a competition to find the tackiest souvenir possible in each store within three minutes or less. (My first win: a “pooping armadillo” keychain.) When we entered this fine establishment, however, I had to call a time-out.

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crocket once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

I didn’t even get a chance to take photos of all the signs at this one store — including some amazing ones taped to the register — before I started getting the stink-eye from the manager. (I generally try to stay out of trouble in states that allow their teachers to come to class armed.) I’m telling you, Alamo, Schmalamo: this store was the highlight of my trip.

related: Tourist traps have the best signs

Tags: "customer service" · blitzkrieg approach · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · high on highlighter · San Antonio · Texas · touching · tourists

Coming soon: the all-you-can-spell buffet

August 31st, 2008 · 80 Comments

Jesse says he spotted this sign at a great Mongolian restaurant in the Dallas area. “They recently changed their name from Ton’s Mongolian Grill to Tao’s garden, but apparently they haven’t figured out how to spell it yet.”

Tao''s Gadren [sic] offers all you can buffet not all you can waste. Thank you!

related: Best. Potluck. Theme. Ever.

Tags: "customer service" · CAPS LOCK · Dallas/Fort Worth · food · restaurant · spelling and grammar police

The right to bear fruit

August 27th, 2008 · 172 Comments

Three U.S. cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves:

1. Austin, Texas

To the people who keep digging up and stealing plants from this garden...The surrounding neighbors have been alerted and are keeping watch now. (Some are ex-Military are not afraid to chase after you or shout.) I'm serious!!! This is private property! You are trespassing and committing a crime. I'm not rich and I like my garden go get a second job if you want plants! I'm warning you!

2. Macon, Georgia

To the Fucktard who stole my watermellon [sic]: It was not even RIPE yet. But I'm sure you didn't notice when you were high on crack. Leave my fucking plants alone! —Proud owner of a .45 and a 38 special

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

The Mayor and The Police have been notified — WATCHING for any more Flower destruction and Theft

(Thanks to Don in Austin, Elizabeth in Macon, and Jasmine in Pittsburgh for risking the wrath of some devoted gardening/second amendment enthusiasts to document these warnings.)

related: No “questions” asked

Tags: Austin · blame it on the crackhead · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Georgia · Macon · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Pittsburgh · spelling and grammar police · stealing

Herbie goes to Washington

August 24th, 2008 · 233 Comments

You say you’re politically engaged, but do you know where your candidate stands on…vanity license plates? Are they:

a) a bombastic example of the first amendment in action

b) a potent symbol for the reductive nature of America’s two-party political system

c) unwise at any speed

Still undecided? Take a look at the tags Rachel has on her car in Austin, Texas:

OBAMA

And the note she found recently on her windshield:

Obama sucks!

Meanwhile, in blue-state land…

To the person who stole the "Marriage - One man, one woman" decal from my VW on June 26th: To you "Free Speech" must mean if my opinion disagrees with yours, then I should be silenced. "Tolerance" means my views don't earn the same respect I render to your beliefs. If you have any courage or decency I challenge you to return my property.

Which led to this note posted in the office parking garage, and documented for us by Melissa in Long Beach:

To the person who stole the "Marriage - One man, one woman" decal from my VW on June 26th: To you "Free Speech" must mean if my opinion disagrees with yours, then I should be silenced. "Tolerance" means my views don't earn the same respect I render to your beliefs. If you have any courage or decency I challenge you to return my property.

related: The audacity of theft

extra credit: License plates and the first amendment [nytimes.com]

extra extra credit: Rock the vote!

Tags: Austin · California · car · Long Beach · parking · politics

Cue the violins

July 25th, 2008 · 209 Comments

When Sheena in Austin spotted this note on her neighbor’s front door, she couldn’t help but wonder: “If your doormat has sentimental value, maybe it should be hanging on your wall instead of sitting on the ground?”

To whoever stole my doormat: PLEASE bring it back! It was a gift & has sentimental value! Be a grown up! Thanks, Alex

related: Wrath mat

extra credit: Sentimental value: clothing stories from eBay

Tags: Austin · eBay · excessive underlining · grow up · neighbors · stealing