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Entries Tagged as 'Virginia'

I love you, you’re perfect, now leave

February 28th, 2011 · 66 Comments

Writes an anonymous roommate  in Virginia: “Apparently living with me and my roommates is so terrible that after leaving the house, this girl felt the need to advise [my other] ‘rooms’ to stay at her boyfriend’s house and not with us.” Adds our (not-at-all bitter) submitter: “The only batteries she needs to recharge are the ones that go in her vibrator.”

Rooms [sic], I need to go home & charge my batteries. The energy in this house literally sucks the life out of me and I need to be somewhere that makes me happy right now. I LOVE YOU, and I hope you stay at Chris's tonight!

related: Why can’t we all just get along? Don’t be bitches!

Tags: literally incorrect word usage · mean girls · nice stationery · roommates · signed with love · Virginia

Happy Valentine’s Day to my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin.

February 14th, 2011 · 103 Comments

Tonya says she and her boyfriend in Charlottesville, Virginia had been living together for two years when they received this Valentine from his mother, “with the not-so-subtle implication that we should take our relationship to the next level.” Adds Tonya: “Oh, and on the inside of the card, she spelled my name wrong.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Happy Valentine's Day to a Great Son and <del>Wife</del> Partner.

related: The next-to-marry list

Tags: Charlottesville · guilt trip · holiday spirit · love & marriage · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2011 · Valentine's Day

Roadside intervention

December 26th, 2010 · 53 Comments

So, has holiday time with your family got you reachin’ for the nearest bottle of Mad Dog yet? No? Well, then allow us here at PAN to help bring you back to the depressing world of real life.

Janet spotted this display by the side of the road in her “very small-town community” in Virginia. “I’m sure this person is known by some who will see the sign — maybe even the local sheriff,” she says. “At first I laughed, but then I thought it was just sad.”

Nancy [license plate number] - Put your wine bottles in a trash can - not here! Don't drink + drive!

related: Won’t somebody think o’ the ’possums?

Tags: actually totally reasonable · driving · drizzunk · garbage · public shaming · small town living · Virginia

Motivational posters for a down economy

September 14th, 2010 · 79 Comments

In a recession, how companies harness the power of positive thinking can get a little twisted.

In Roanoke, Virginia, for example, Seth says “an uptight lady I used to work with — who almost certainly used to be a hall monitor — wrote this motivational quote in the windowless trailer I shared with about 20 coworkers and a vindictive, micromanaging boss.”

 Seth says

When he eventually got laid off,  Seth says, the company tried to get him to interview for a different position —  but those inspiring words on the whiteboard set him straight. “I decided that imagining myself without a paycheck was not enough to keep me coming back to that acre of hell.”

Elsewhere in Roanoke, meanwhile, kitchen staff at this restaurant/bar are greeted by these empowering words every time they trudge through the doors.

To the staff: if you cannot do your job, please feel free to find another one.

And of course, nothing can top this classic:

To All Employees: NEW INCENTIVE PLAN - WORK - OR GET FIRED!

related: “Popcorn Thursday,” and 100o other ways to reward employees besides giving raises.

Tags: fired · most popular notes of 2010 · now that's management · office · Virginia · whiteboard

Just a friendly reminder from God

June 19th, 2010 · 68 Comments

Ann was leaving her niece’s First Communion at a Catholic Church in Vienna, Virginia when she noticed this sign. The icing on the post-mass doughnut, she says, was when the priest concluded his closing prayer with “And kids, don’t forget to remind your parents that mass doesn’t end until after the closing song.”

THANK YOU FOR NOT LEAVING MASS EARLY

related: The PANtheistic approach

Tags: God · guilt trip · Northern Virginia

Grow some thicker bark, why don’tcha?

June 3rd, 2010 · 80 Comments

“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

I am a dogwood, I am only lovely in the late spring. I believe it is my job to make the environment more beautiful. Why do you not like me?

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

I am a sad sad tree, barely hanging on to life. Please...keep your animals away from me...especially their urine.

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

Tree to people: I'm Dead. get new tree & plant it here, OK? Thanks

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: anthropomorphism · California · dogs · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · martyr complex · piss · Richmond · Seattle

Coffee, mate?

April 7th, 2010 · 72 Comments

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

Not Community Property

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

To the person or persons who continue to consume my Coffee-Mate coffee creamer in spite of my name being clearly marked on the container: PLEASE STOP!!!!

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Dear Coffee Creamer Thief,  What part of DO NOT TOUCH don't you understand? This is NOT your creamer and I know you didn't ask me if you could have some. Get your own coffee creamer! >:( Querido Ladron de Crema! Que parte de NO TOCAR no entiende? Esta no es su crema y yo seque usted no me pregunto si podia tomasla. Compre tu propia crema para cafe!

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

BREAST MILK. Drink at your own risk. : /

URINE sample for my parole officer. Don't Touch.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Tags: California · coffee · New York · Northern Virginia · office fridge · Orlando · piss · stealing · Texas

There are crazy people out there, you know

March 26th, 2010 · 177 Comments

“We custom-ordered some stamps with our youngest daughter’s face on it to mail birthday party invitations,” writes Pablo in Virginia. “There were extras, so we used them to pay some bills.” Apparently, one of those envelope recipients found this small act of thrift somewhat less than adorable.

Dear Tenant, This postage stamp is an outrage! If this is in fact your daughter or if you have any relation to this child, Alexis...do you realize you're exploiting her to the public? You stuck a picture of a child on an envelope with your return address...Anyone could get a hold of this and do god knows what...there are crazy people out there you know! You should think twice before flaunting your child to the world. Have a lovely day, God bless.

Adds Pablo: “The creepy part? This note was deposited in our mailbox anonymously, making us think the real crazy person is the author.”

related: Cloudy with a chance of hate mail

Tags: crazypants · going postal · kids · kinda creepy · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · pleasantries as afterthought · Virginia

Launching a cannonball at the breeders

March 9th, 2010 · 284 Comments

Emily in Richmond, Virginia says this note was recently posted in her apartment building, “right next to a note complaining about a) the tenants in the building that have parties and don’t clean up the beer that gets left in the hallways and b) the laziness of the dog owners in the building that don’t pick up their dogs’ poop.”

If your baby cries all night-shut it up. No one wants to hear about your fucking MISTAKE! sorry if its been 12 FUCKING HOURS but not every1 is stupid and has to wake up early because of CRYING ASSHOLE. get the fuck over living in an apartment! WAH!!

related: Wanna touch the baby?

Tags: exclamation-point happy!!!! · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · kids · more aggressive than passive · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · noise · Richmond · spelling and grammar police

Save the earth…kill the kids?

March 3rd, 2010 · 163 Comments

“I have no traces of child paraphernalia in my Mini Cooper,” says our submitter from Alexandria, Virginia — and she didn’t buy her car for environmental reasons. (“I bought it because I’m a Mini fan,” she says, “regardless of the global impact.”) So, as you might imagine, she was more than a bit puzzled to find this note under her wiper blade.

I hope you don't put Children in This Thing. Save the earth?) Kill the Kids!? Brilliant!

related: Herbie Goes to Washington

Tags: car · Northern Virginia · pure poetry · The Earth · unsolicited feedback · WTF?