THE LINE BREAKS
ON THIS NOTE
MAKE ME WANT…….TO
THE LINE BREAKS
ON THIS NOTE
MAKE ME WANT…….TO
Many months ago, one of our submitter’s coworkers decided to fortify the entire office freezer with family-sized bricks of monosodium glutamate.
(Was there an amazing “buy 20, get one free” special at Wal-Mart? Is someone filming a processed-foods version of Super Size Me? Or just stocking up for the End Times?) Whatever the reason, this person made very clear (via post-it note) that these frozen delights were not for general consumption, thanks.
Finally, after months had gone by with no obvious signs of attrition on the Banquet line, another coworker decided to add a defiant note of protest (which in turn spurred a third note, from the office smartass.) Sadly, the real question (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FROZEN — WHY????) remains unanswered.
“Our receptionist is uber-paranoid about her stuff getting stolen, despite the fact that we are one of the rare offices where fridge theft isn’t a problem,” writes our anonymous submitter in South Carolina. “Though I’d be too scared to do it myself — the woman has a very nasty, underhanded side — I love that someone else decided to have a little fun with her.”
related: Who’s the smartass?
Frustrated by fridge thieves who continually ignore your polite (or not-so-polite) requests to keep their paws to themselves? Don’t get mad — get creative! You could end up with something so crazy it might actually work…that is, if it doesn’t totally backfire.
You could go for the classic bluff, with the hopes that you’ll inspire just enough self-doubt to encourage the thief to go for the next lunch bag over.
Or you could hold out hope that the thief in question is either very lazy, very stupid…
…or that he or she appreciates your twisted sense of humor enough to take mercy on your pathetic self.
Or you could just bring this for lunch. (Somehow, I think this would have been safe, even without the note.)
Thanks to Theresa in Birmingham, Alabama; Stacey in Manchester, New Hampshire; Alissa in Memphis, Tennessee; and Marianne in Dublin, Ireland for submitting!
related: That’s breastmilk!
Well, maybe all you need is a little perspective.
Kelly in Dallas spotted this notice at a metaphysical bookstore in Lewisville, Texas. Apparently, she says, the last time the fridge was defrosted, “they discovered several owl carcasses that were being stored there by the store’s resident Native American healer guy.” (Be careful, this fridge scares easily.)
Meanwhile, Belinda assures us that both bunny and cow parts were indeed claimed by her coworkers before the boss’s deadline. (“Only in Wisconsin!” she says.)
If you’ve ever seen the TV show Mythbusters, you won’t find this fridge note from their set too surprising…
But Becky in Portland, Oregon was definitely surprised when she discovered the warning on the hospital breakroom’s freezer door wasn’t a non sequitur.
related: The bathroom-stall booger epidemic
So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?
You could go for the semi-direct approach…
But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.
In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…
Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.
“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)
Most office fridge notes — especially when they pertain to specialty “diet” items like, say, a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich — read something like this one (from a cubicle farm in Burbank, California).
Not so at Rocky‘s office in Austin, Texas…but office drama is never too hard to find in the shared fridge.
Of course, you don’t even have to be a sentient being to fall into a similar trap.
If you’ve shopped online at Amazon.com lately, you might have noticed that they’ve starting suggesting using a custom “PayPhrase” to speed up express checkout. After placing a recent order, Rosalie in Seattle did a double-take when she saw the phrase Amazon picked for her.
related: Sweet & Lowdown
Angie in Columbus, Ohio says this is the second (hilariously) furious fridge note to be posted lately in the office kitchenette. Adds Angie: “Who knew a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich fit into a ‘special diet’?” Perhaps next time the writer could just hop (er, drive) on over to Taco Bell?
related: It’s not funny, it’s my sandwich
extra credit: This is why you’re fat.
“To the best of our knowledge,” writes our submitter from Raleigh, North Carolina, “the bottle in question is one of those $0.79 plastic Deer Park water bottles.” You know, the special kind carried in just about every gas station, 7-11, and grocery store in the state.
Moral of the story? Just another example of how taking it upon yourself to clean out the ol’ office fridge can OMG KILL PEOPLE.
related: Your BBQ = 9/11
As this note from Columbus, Ohio demonstrates, ’tis the season to be hilariously self-righteous!
related: All I want for Christmas