Entries Tagged as 'office'

How does a 135° angle sound like a couch?

June 13th, 2011 · 90 Comments

If I worked at Steve‘s office, I would definitely be rallying the troops to launch a (non) silent 90° protest of round-the-clock water-glass-filling…and then place “out of order” signs on all the restrooms. (It would be lame, but not as lame as this sign.)

Water Cooler Etiquette

This is not a thing, people! I refuse to acknowledge this is a thing!

related: Is this a thing now?

Tags: a little uptight · clip art catastrophe · etiquette · noise · office · piss · water

It’s a toilet, not your your asstray

May 24th, 2011 · 53 Comments

I don’t really want to know what “cigarette ashes” is supposed to mean in this context…

TO THE GENTLEMAN WHO LEAVES 'CIGARETTE ASHES' ON THE TOILET SEAT - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TREAT YOUR CONDITION, AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF, RATHER THAN LEAVING IT TO OTHERS TO RISK CONTRACTING GOD-KNOWS-WHAT WHEN THEY HAVE TO CLEAN UP FOR YOUR DETRITUS.

…but hey, look what I found on the Internets!

related: Your “Brown Friends”

Tags: Berkeley · bold-underlined-caps · hygiene · office · toilet

Hey, look! A coffee pot!

May 13th, 2011 · 80 Comments

This isn’t the first “coffee-maker etiquette” flowchart I’ve seen, but it is the most aesthetically pleasing.

Says Sarah in St. Louis: “The IT department in our office is notorious for drinking the last of the coffee without making more.” (Note the subtle “I heart C++” mug.) Apparently, one of her co-workers thought breaking things down into engineer-speak might help.

Hey, look! A coffee pot!

Meanwhile, in Toledo, Ohio…a variation tailored to a slightly different audience:

What would Jesus do...if there were only this much coffee left in the pot? *He would brew more!

related: Passive-aggressive flowcharts

Tags: coffee · etiquette · flow chart · Jesus · most popular notes of 2011 · office · St. Louis · Toledo · visual aids

Please clear your unused microwave time: now with more questionable statistics!

May 9th, 2011 · 84 Comments

Note: the following message has explicitly NOT been approved by Jack Donaghy. (Do not be fooled by that GE logo at the bottom of the page.)

Remarkably enough, our submitter, Dan in Milwaukee, says the following message was NOT penned by a satirical television writer, but rather by an anonymous member of the office Green Police. (The two pennies — payment for 2011′s extra energy usage — were then added later by an anonymous member of the office Bullshit Police.)

Did you know?  The "Remaining Time" display on a microwave can use up to 30% more energy than the clock does?  The clock only updates once a minute, flashing the time is much more frequent. So be green. Clear your time when you're done cooking. Every little bit helps.

This is, of course, simply a new strategy in the ongoing war being waged in kitchenettes across the world by the United League of Office Workers Who Have Nothing Better to Complain About.

Please clear any unused time off the microwave when you are finished. Some of us have OCD and leftover time drives us crazy. -Thanks!

related: Some of have OCD and unused microwave time drives us crazy

Tags: dubious scientific claims · energy usage · microwave · Milwaukee · office · questionable logic · The Earth · Wisconsin · WTF?

Gee, thanks for the support.

May 8th, 2011 · 34 Comments

“My fiance and I are getting married on our nine-year anniversary of being together,” writes our bride-to-be from Las Vegas, Nevada. Before leaving town for her wedding and honeymoon, the office threw a small party in her honor, and everyone signed a card full of blessings and good wishes. Everyone, that is, except for one particular executive, who added his unsigned note of support on the back in his distinctive handwriting. Touching, no?

if it doesn't work out, we are always here for you

related: A greeting card for my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin

Tags: heartwarming compassion · Las Vegas · love & marriage · Nevada · office

Dear coworkers: I’m sending this e-mail while sitting on the john! Just thought you’d want to know.

May 3rd, 2011 · 73 Comments

Writes our disgusted submitter: “All that time on the toilet to think, and this is what you came up with?”
______________
How do you say diarrhea politely? I'll be in when I can.

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

Tags: all-staff e-mail · D.C. · illness · office · shit · that's disgusting · TMI

Feel free to express yourselves, breastfeeding working moms! (But maybe not quite so passive-aggressively?)

April 7th, 2011 · 205 Comments

First off: I’m 100% in favor of breastfeeding. A designated pumping room at the office? Awesome! (And in fact, federally mandated.) Pictures of cute babies? Love those, too!

But you know — and let’s just play devil’s advocate here for a moment —  I’m guessing some of the non-lactating folks you work with would be a bit more receptive to your message if you saved the guilt-tripping for your kiddos back home. Because, as the sign reads now, says one of your coworkers: “All it does is make me want to use THAT room for every phone call.”

Does this baby deserve dinner? This room is reserved for nursing moms. Please choose another room for phone calls. Need help finding another room? Ask at Reception.

related: Feel free to starve me, but not my baby!!!

Tags: guilt trip · New York · office · Won't somebody think of the children?

On the next episodes of Hoarders…

April 6th, 2011 · 44 Comments

Many months ago, one of our submitter’s coworkers decided to fortify the entire office freezer with family-sized bricks of monosodium glutamate.

(Was there an amazing “buy 20, get one free” special at Wal-Mart? Is someone filming a processed-foods version of Super Size Me? Or just stocking up for the End Times?) Whatever the reason, this person made very clear (via post-it note) that these frozen delights were not for general consumption, thanks.

Finally, after months had gone by with no obvious signs of attrition on the Banquet line, another coworker decided to add a defiant note of protest (which in turn spurred a third note, from the office smartass.) Sadly, the real question (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FROZEN — WHY????) remains unanswered.

1. Please do NOT take these dinners. Thanks. 2. Why not! You don't seem to use them. 3. Don't worry the last time I stole them they SUCKED!

related: Please remove the rabbit carcasses from this freezer

Tags: Colorado · food · office fridge · rebuttals · stealing

It’s not rocket science.

March 30th, 2011 · 74 Comments

Our submitter in Huntsville, Alabama says one of her male co-workers shared this note from the men’s restroom at their office. “And yes,” she says, “we really do work for NASA.”

Hey. You. You know who you are. This. This is not OK. We just.. had.. this.. fixed. Do NOT. Paper-mache. The toilet. Three squares of paper. Three wipes. Maybe four if you're feeling adventurous. Flush multiple=

By the way, if you’re traveling to Indonesia any time soon, you can pick up some papier-mâché materials of your very own!

NASA Toilet Roll

related: Toilet-flushing memo from the Empire State Building

extra credit: Mary Roach explains “fecal decapitation” and other toilet issues astronauts encounter in space [thedailyshow.com]

Tags: Alabama · all clogged up · most popular notes of 2011 · office · toilet · toilet paper · you know who you are

So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door!

March 21st, 2011 · 50 Comments

Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

Tags: all-staff e-mail · Australia · door-slamming · message to all intended for one · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity · shit · TMI · warning