Entries Tagged as 'office'

Please clear your unused microwave time: now with more questionable statistics!

May 9th, 2011 · 84 Comments

Note: the following message has explicitly NOT been approved by Jack Donaghy. (Do not be fooled by that GE logo at the bottom of the page.)

Remarkably enough, our submitter, Dan in Milwaukee, says the following message was NOT penned by a satirical television writer, but rather by an anonymous member of the office Green Police. (The two pennies — payment for 2011′s extra energy usage — were then added later by an anonymous member of the office Bullshit Police.)

Did you know?  The "Remaining Time" display on a microwave can use up to 30% more energy than the clock does?  The clock only updates once a minute, flashing the time is much more frequent. So be green. Clear your time when you're done cooking. Every little bit helps.

This is, of course, simply a new strategy in the ongoing war being waged in kitchenettes across the world by the United League of Office Workers Who Have Nothing Better to Complain About.

Please clear any unused time off the microwave when you are finished. Some of us have OCD and leftover time drives us crazy. -Thanks!

related: Some of have OCD and unused microwave time drives us crazy

Tags: dubious scientific claims · energy usage · microwave · Milwaukee · office · questionable logic · The Earth · Wisconsin · WTF?

Gee, thanks for the support.

May 8th, 2011 · 34 Comments

“My fiance and I are getting married on our nine-year anniversary of being together,” writes our bride-to-be from Las Vegas, Nevada. Before leaving town for her wedding and honeymoon, the office threw a small party in her honor, and everyone signed a card full of blessings and good wishes. Everyone, that is, except for one particular executive, who added his unsigned note of support on the back in his distinctive handwriting. Touching, no?

if it doesn't work out, we are always here for you

related: A greeting card for my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin

Tags: heartwarming compassion · Las Vegas · love & marriage · Nevada · office

Dear coworkers: I’m sending this e-mail while sitting on the john! Just thought you’d want to know.

May 3rd, 2011 · 73 Comments

Writes our disgusted submitter: “All that time on the toilet to think, and this is what you came up with?”
______________
How do you say diarrhea politely? I'll be in when I can.

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

Tags: all-staff e-mail · D.C. · illness · office · shit · that's disgusting · TMI

Feel free to express yourselves, breastfeeding working moms! (But maybe not quite so passive-aggressively?)

April 7th, 2011 · 205 Comments

First off: I’m 100% in favor of breastfeeding. A designated pumping room at the office? Awesome! (And in fact, federally mandated.) Pictures of cute babies? Love those, too!

But you know — and let’s just play devil’s advocate here for a moment —  I’m guessing some of the non-lactating folks you work with would be a bit more receptive to your message if you saved the guilt-tripping for your kiddos back home. Because, as the sign reads now, says one of your coworkers: “All it does is make me want to use THAT room for every phone call.”

Does this baby deserve dinner? This room is reserved for nursing moms. Please choose another room for phone calls. Need help finding another room? Ask at Reception.

related: Feel free to starve me, but not my baby!!!

Tags: guilt trip · New York · office · Won't somebody think of the children?

On the next episodes of Hoarders…

April 6th, 2011 · 44 Comments

Many months ago, one of our submitter’s coworkers decided to fortify the entire office freezer with family-sized bricks of monosodium glutamate.

(Was there an amazing “buy 20, get one free” special at Wal-Mart? Is someone filming a processed-foods version of Super Size Me? Or just stocking up for the End Times?) Whatever the reason, this person made very clear (via post-it note) that these frozen delights were not for general consumption, thanks.

Finally, after months had gone by with no obvious signs of attrition on the Banquet line, another coworker decided to add a defiant note of protest (which in turn spurred a third note, from the office smartass.) Sadly, the real question (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FROZEN — WHY????) remains unanswered.

1. Please do NOT take these dinners. Thanks. 2. Why not! You don't seem to use them. 3. Don't worry the last time I stole them they SUCKED!

related: Please remove the rabbit carcasses from this freezer

Tags: Colorado · food · office fridge · rebuttals · stealing

It’s not rocket science.

March 30th, 2011 · 74 Comments

Our submitter in Huntsville, Alabama says one of her male co-workers shared this note from the men’s restroom at their office. “And yes,” she says, “we really do work for NASA.”

Hey. You. You know who you are. This. This is not OK. We just.. had.. this.. fixed. Do NOT. Paper-mache. The toilet. Three squares of paper. Three wipes. Maybe four if you're feeling adventurous. Flush multiple=

By the way, if you’re traveling to Indonesia any time soon, you can pick up some papier-mâché materials of your very own!

NASA Toilet Roll

related: Toilet-flushing memo from the Empire State Building

extra credit: Mary Roach explains “fecal decapitation” and other toilet issues astronauts encounter in space [thedailyshow.com]

Tags: Alabama · all clogged up · most popular notes of 2011 · office · toilet · toilet paper · you know who you are

So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door!

March 21st, 2011 · 50 Comments

Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

Tags: all-staff e-mail · Australia · door-slamming · message to all intended for one · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity · shit · TMI · warning

A friendly FYI from Big Brother

February 27th, 2011 · 74 Comments

At Joanne’s office in Lancashire, England, her team had a temporary agency administrator working on-site with them for a few days. Well, “working.” Joanne says her boss was well-aware of what this fellow was actually up to, but rather than report him through the official channels, decided to drop him a little hint instead. (No word about how the lucky employees seated next to him felt about that decision.)

DEAR AGENCY ADMIN PERSON: YOU'RE CLEARLY UNAWARE THAT IN SOCIAL SERVICES, PC, EMAIL AND INTERNET USE IS CONTINUOUSLY AND CAREFULLY MONITORED. WORDS SUCH AS

related: The Jake Issues

Tags: actually totally reasonable · big brother-ish · most popular notes of 2011 · office · sex sex sex · smiley · U.K.

This thing is mine!

February 24th, 2011 · 72 Comments

Mara’s office kitchen in New York City is shared by over 50 people, but they don’t play by kindergarten rules. (Yoohoo, Elaine? You might have a kindred spirit up in here.)

Pitcher: This is my pitcher, Not your Pitcher. Do not take what is not yours. Your mother would be very disappointed in you. Box: THIS THING IS MINE! IT'S NOT YOURS! I PUT IT HERE TO MAKE SURE THE SPACE IN THE KITCHEN WASN'T LEFT OPEN FOR EVERYBODY AS IT'S INTENDED. I DESERVE THIS SPACE MORE THAN YOU, SO HANDS OFF MY RANDOM THING!

related: Everything else in the refrigerator belongs to everybody else.

Tags: guilt trip · kitchen · most popular notes of 2011 · office · sharing is caring · smartass

Mario’s response: “Mamma Mia! I’m a plumber, not a janitor!”

February 22nd, 2011 · 52 Comments

Like the angry woman/women who wrote this note, Katie in Lexington, Kentucky works on the third floor of her building — but she’s never noticed any problems with the custodian’s work.

“Sure, sometimes a stall runs out of toilet paper, but within a couple of hours, he has refilled them,” she says. And besides: “I, for one, would prefer that Mario doesn’t hang out all afternoon in the women’s bathroom.” So, notewriter…maybe it’s time to take your massive craps elsewhere, hmm?

Mario -- Consider this fair warning... The women who work and study on the 3rd floor are no longer going to tolerate the lack of bath tissue or hand towels in this restroom. We do not want to complain to your supervisor, but we will have to if you do not maintain the paper products in this restroom.

related: Who cleans your bathrooms? “A strange black lady with a knife.”

extra credit: Luigi finally snaps [CollegeHumor.com]

Tags: bathroom · disgruntled janitor · Kentucky · office · office cop · paper product fairy · toilet paper