Entries Tagged as 'office'

The Twix Conspiracy

May 24th, 2010 · 84 Comments

According to reports we’re receiving here at PAN headquarters, it appears that proletarians with a predilection for the chocolate-cookie-caramel confection known as Twix are battling Soviet-like conditions in order to procure their precious candy bars. 

In some areas, workers are forced to pay a hefty premium (unlike the bosses and bigwigs upstairs). 

Twix is only $1.00 at the third floor. Are we being unfairly taxed?

Even then, what remains for the masses is likely to be rejected, bottom-of-the-carton stock.

This vending machine RUINED my day!  Melting and nasty! Ye be warned.

And in the hardest hit areas, shortages have led hungry Twix lovers to beg for mercy from The Man himself. 

Dear Candyman, More chocolate + less granola bars - no one likes those anyhow! Thanks, Twix Lover

(Thanks to informants Sean in Philadelphia, Rachel in Salt Lake City, and Mark in Buffalo.)

related: Comrades, take notice!

extra credit: Twix bars unfairly taxed in Colorado? [WSJ.com]

Tags: candy · chocolate · office · raging against the machine · vending machine drama

Did you wash your hands? Well, did ya, punk?

May 13th, 2010 · 139 Comments

Every day, you watch them, in horror: Those vile, germ-laden, nether-region-wiping creatures who don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Confronting the offenders directly wouldn’t work, because, well, you’re passive-aggressive, and that’s just not how you roll. So what to do next?

Well, you could dazzle them with some accusatory statistics…

97% of females say they wash their hands...Only 75% really do...Did you wash your hands?

…or attempt to appeal to the altruists in the audience.

Interested in a community service opportunity??? Wash your hands! Do it for the rest of us! :)

And maybe try to lure in the sports fans with the promise of some fun trivia!

Question: What is the overall record of wins and losses for Georgia versus Florida in football? To find out the answer, please wash your hands!

If they see through that little scheme, you could try patronizing your patrons outright…

Employees MUST wash hands before returning to work.Patrons SHOULD wash hands before returning to their tables.

…or just straight-up treat them like four-year-olds. (“Did you wash your hands?” “Yes.” “DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?” “I said yes!!!”)

Did you wash your hands? DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

Perhaps even a dash of reverse psychology?

Jimmy the Germ says: 1) TOUCH your nose, eyes and mouth OFTEN! 2) DON'T wash your hands with soap! 3) NEVER wash your hands for more than 30 seconds! 4) NEVER use Sanitizing Hand Gel! LET'S ALL HELP JIMMY SURVIVE!

Of course, those less-straightforward techniques just might just backfire on you.  In that case, you could play the bully with THE CLIP ART THAT MUST BE STOPPED.

WASH THOSE HANDS!

Or, if your clip-art collection is a bit larger…release the dragon!

Excuse me but could you please wash your hands so I don't have to sanitize the germs with my fire.

Not scary enough? Maybe it’s time to bust out the F word.

Flu season is back!!!! Please wash your hands before leaving the bathroom. (Washing hands is optional off season.)

WASH YOUR HANDS! You could same someone's life, OR you could cause someone's death. Yes, that means you.

Or the even scarier F-word: FECAL-ORAL.

Why wash your hands? It's the #1 activity that can reduce disease transmission! It reduces the spread of colds, flu, and bacterial conjunctivitis (

And if that still doesn’t work? Well, I guess you’ll just have to flounce away, invest in some latex gloves, and vow to hold it ’til you get home.

Several people are complaining that People on this floor are using the restroom and they are NOT washing their hands. Dirty hands spread disease. Please wash your hands. If you don't believe in washing your hands, please refrain from touching the copier, the coffee pot, the ice machine, door handles, the elevator button....etc. Please respect others around you and wash your hands! Thank you

(Thanks to Jen in Houston, Jenni in Spokane, Marley in Pittsburgh, Lindsey in Memphis, Laura in Richmond, and the many anonymous submitters for their contributions.)

related: Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance

extra credit:  “On Washing Hands,” by Atul Gawande

extra extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Hand Soap


Tags: "helpful" advice · a little patronizing · bullet points · clip art catastrophe · hygiene · office · rebuttals · restaurant · reverse psychology · rhetorical question · washing your hands

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but mind your own damn business.

May 11th, 2010 · 105 Comments

Our Bay-Area submitter returned from lunch one day to find this note from an anonymous concerned coworker.

“I’ll admit that I’ve gained about 15 pounds recently,” she says. However, “At 4’11 and normally around 95 pounds, even with the extra 15 I’m still within an acceptable weight range for my height.” But the real kicker, says our submitter?

“I’m also 5 months pregnant. I just haven’t made a big deal about it by talking incessantly about it or demanding special treatment like I’m God’s gift to the world just because I got myself knocked up.”

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am just concerned for your health. Have you considered Weight Watchers? I lost 20lb that way!!! We even have a program here at work. Tues @ Noon - hope to see you there! :)

(So, uh, I think that’s a no, she won’t be seeing you there.)

related: I am beautiful, not matter what they say (or passive-aggressively insinuate)

Tags: "helpful" advice · Bay Area · hey fatty · most popular notes of 2010 · office · oh no you didn't · preggers · smiley · the best of intentions

Sounds like somebody needs a vacation.

April 30th, 2010 · 78 Comments

Luckily, Liz in Houston convinced her work buddy not to forward this not-at-all-passive Jerry Springer-esque rant to the entire company e-mail list, as originally intended. (Otherwise, work buddy’s much-needed vacation might have turned out to be a permanent one.)

If I catch another one of you getting on our already crammed slow a$ elevators to go down one friggin floor I might lose it. It took me 11 minutes to get to the lobby. Want to know why? Shut up, I'm telling you why. Cause you lazy mother f'ers use it to get from the 21st to the 20th floors.I see you, you aren't even wearing uncomfortable designer shoes, so you have no excuse except that pile of lard you call your a$. I'm watching you...

related: Do your stairs think you’re fat?

extra credit: How not to land an internship [gawker.com]

Tags: all-staff e-mail · elevator · hey fatty · Houston · more aggressive than passive · not so much passive-aggressive · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity

So, you think your office fridge stinks?

April 25th, 2010 · 95 Comments

Well, maybe all you need is a little perspective.

Kelly in Dallas spotted this notice at a metaphysical bookstore in Lewisville, Texas. Apparently, she says, the last time the fridge was defrosted, “they discovered several owl carcasses that were being stored there by the store’s resident Native American healer guy.” (Be careful, this fridge scares easily.)

DO NOT Approach Refridgerator [sic] with knives, screwdrivers or other sharp objects.  NOT for carcass storage  Thank you!

Meanwhile, Belinda assures us that both bunny and cow parts were indeed claimed by her coworkers before the boss’s deadline. (“Only in Wisconsin!” she says.)

To whomever:  Please remove the Rabbit carcasses and Beef livers from this freezer. They will be removed and disposed of if not taken home by this Friday; April 23rd. What's wrong with some people??

If you’ve ever seen the TV show Mythbusters, you won’t find this fridge note from their set too surprising…

No rancid pig tongues; No human body parts filled with noodles

But Becky in Portland, Oregon was definitely surprised when she discovered the warning on the hospital breakroom’s freezer door wasn’t a non sequitur.

Peeled bananas in the freezer = gross!

related: The bathroom-stall booger epidemic

Tags: fridge · odor · office fridge · WTF?

Passive-Aggressive Kitchen-Sink Poetry

April 23rd, 2010 · 116 Comments

So, which of these cutesy little rhymes is least likely to make you stab yourself in the eye?

Exhibit a) from an office break room in Atlanta, Georgia?

Their Sink, My Sink, Your Sink It's against our wishes if you soak your dishes cause the sink's not a soaking place. Quick! Scrub 'em clean-make 'em really gleam. Watch a 'thank you!' smile appear on every face. So don't walk away- don't soak it- just clean it! (Wash it right now! You can finish in a minute!) Cause it's not just your sink, it's their sink and my sink. Please be considerate.  Don't clutter the sink by leaving your items to soak. THANK YOU!

Exhibit b) from a college dorm suite in Winston-Salem, North Carolina?

A Poem  Wash your dishes It's not that hard You weren't born in a barn Or a stable, or a yard  The sink is too small To have dishes build up It's really not complicated  To wash a small cup  Your housemates aren't your servants Or your keepers, or your mothers Those who wash their own things Needn't worry about the others  When there's only one of something Please keep that in your mind In the sink and dirty Makes things really hard to find  We know we love each other That's nothing to deny So wash your freaking dishes Or I'll stab you in the eye :)

Or — smiley-face-free! — exhibit c) from a share house full of frat boys in Los Angeles?

Please be a dear and do your dishes here for if you do not, the house will be wrought with people dismayed by the mass that's displayed and hence are not able  to dine at the table for lack of clean wishes  restricts their good wishes

Still there? If so, you probably need a palate-cleanser after all those cringe-worthy couplets, so I’ll leave you with this delicate haiku from an office in Washington, D.C.

Soaking Cup Haiku  Dried flecks of cat food Circling the rim of the cup Oh - it's your oatmeal.

related: Scatological Poetry Slam

Tags: Atlanta · clip art catastrophe · college life · D.C. · dishes · office · pure poetry · rainbow-colored · roommates · smiley · TL;DR · Winston-Salem

Coffee, mate?

April 7th, 2010 · 72 Comments

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

Not Community Property

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

To the person or persons who continue to consume my Coffee-Mate coffee creamer in spite of my name being clearly marked on the container: PLEASE STOP!!!!

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Dear Coffee Creamer Thief,  What part of DO NOT TOUCH don't you understand? This is NOT your creamer and I know you didn't ask me if you could have some. Get your own coffee creamer! >:( Querido Ladron de Crema! Que parte de NO TOCAR no entiende? Esta no es su crema y yo seque usted no me pregunto si podia tomasla. Compre tu propia crema para cafe!

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

BREAST MILK. Drink at your own risk. : /

URINE sample for my parole officer. Don't Touch.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Tags: California · coffee · New York · Northern Virginia · office fridge · Orlando · piss · stealing · Texas

Truly (worth) discussing

April 6th, 2010 · 125 Comments

Alejandro found this note posted in the men’s toilet of his Santa Monica office building. “All I know is the guy that does this also uses half a roll of TP,” Alejandro says, “so he’s disgusting AND he hates the environment.”

Who ever the guy is that uses this toilet daily and leaves it a mess everyday. Please use the toilet at your house and mess it up. Nobody wants to use this toilet after you shit here. I can imagine what your bathroom looks like at home. The other option would be to have your asshole surgically repositioned so your shit drops straight down like everybody else. If nobody had told you yet, you're a pig, somebody who is truly discussing, and are not fit to use a public toilet. Didn't your mother teach you any manners as a young little pig? At the very least have pity the poor guy who has to scrape and clean your shit off the rim of the toilet daily. When you walk a dog your required to pick up its shit, maybe think of yourself as a filthy mutt, and clean up after your self. God help you when we find out who you are!

UPDATE: Yes, it’s true: women’s toilets are often left in just as “discussing” a state as the one above. As Amanda in Austin recounts: “Somebody at my work had a terribly disgusting accident in the restroom that they did not clean up, and the custodians weren’t too happy. Neither were all the other women in the building. (And though it took place in the handicap-accessible stall, as far as we know, nobody in the building is disabled.)” A trifling matter? I think not.

To the nasty, trifling, inconsiderate inappropriate female, who soiled the handicap accessible bathroom, you should be ashame of yourself. You obviously had an accident, you should at least clean up after yourself as much as possible. It's a shame and a disgrace that the male housekeeper should see such filth from a female! It would be very much appreciated if you would have respect for the bathroom accommodations. Shame on you!!!!!

related: the most disgusting thing

Tags: Austin · California · CAPS LOCK · disgruntled janitor · office · shit · spelling and grammar police · that's disgusting · toilet

Oh, and NOW you tell me

March 31st, 2010 · 112 Comments

As spotted by Brad at a ski lodge in Palmerton, Pennsylvania…

Hamburgers + cheeseburgers contain meat! Cannot be returned!

By Hickepedia at an office in Richmond, Virginia…

Please note: The Microwaves are for food use only!

By Kyle at his apartment building in Los Angeles…

Do not throw objects out the window - this includes flaming towels.  Thank you.

And by Leah at her office in Chicago…

This is NOT hand soap.

related: Is this a thing now?

Tags: food · microwave · office · WTF?

What exactly are you trying to say?

March 20th, 2010 · 127 Comments

Most office fridge notes — especially when they pertain to specialty “diet” items like, say, a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich — read something like this one (from a cubicle farm in Burbank, California).

Thank you sooo much for your kind consideration. I hope you enjoy it. And decide to join

Not so at Rocky‘s office in Austin, Texas…but office drama is never too hard to find in the shared fridge.

Please take one (or two) -Thanks  Are you saying I'm FAT?

Of course, you don’t even have to be a sentient being to fall into a similar trap.

If you’ve shopped online at Amazon.com lately, you might have noticed that they’ve starting suggesting using a custom “PayPhrase” to speed up express checkout. After placing a recent order, Rosalie in Seattle did a double-take when she saw the phrase Amazon picked for her.

Rosalie's huge ones

related: Sweet & Lowdown

Tags: food · kinda creepy · office fridge · smartass · stealing · WTF?