Writes Kiki in Melbourne: “Have you ever seen a sack act so bitchy and sanctimonious all at once? I can’t believe a plastic bag’s attitude actually started to piss me off!”

Well, Kiki, it could be worse.

related: …and F the Polar Bear!
extra credit: I (don’t) use plastic bags.

“My friends’ mom has four cigarette-smoking daughters under one roof,” says our submitter in Cleveland. “She had to reach her breaking point eventually.”

related: Love, the Landlord

If you’ve ever been tempted to go through an off-limits “staff only” entrance, you might consider whether that rush of forbidden adrenaline is worth the possibility of entering a wormhole to an alternate “universe” where nothing is as it seems…even the most basic rituals of hygiene!

And if you think you can escape the way you came in…you’re sadly mistaken.

(“Thanks” to Pam in Texas, Tommy in Ohio, Lisa in Michigan, and Victor in Puerto Rico for their “submissions!”)

related: The ladies room is for “women”

Is your toilet acting up again? Has your plumber already thrown up his hands and said he’s done everything he can? Perhaps it’s time you turned to Dr. Josiah Carberry, foremost expert in psychoceramics, to determine what’s really got your pot cracked.

Just take a look at these real-life examples:

1. Diagnosis: Irritable Bowl Syndrome

2. Diagnosis: Gross motor skill impairment

3. Diagnosis: Projection and Displacement behaviors potentially indicative of a narcissistic personality type…or too many episodes of The Sopranos

(Thanks to Adam in New York, Janet in Northern Virginia, and Tamie in Tampa for their submissions…and apologies to any readers offended by the excessive use of puns.)

related: Five reasons to be glad you’re not a plumber

You’d think, as Jen from St. Louis did, that this carefully typed message (from the public toilet at the Golden Gate Bridge), is indisputably good advice.

But as Kim observed while studying abroad on the Caribbean island of St. Maarten, there’s an exception (explosion?) to every rule.

related: Poseidon’s a pervert

Upon moving into their new college house this fall, Danny and his roommates at Boston College received this delightfully punctuated welcome letter from their next door neighbor — delivered via U.S. Postal Service, no less.

I, for one, can’t wait ’til the Ben Affleck adaptation comes out. We’ll have a “late night beer party” to celebrate!

related: Passive voice abuse