What a catch!

September 4th, 2013 · 42 comments

Our submitter in Portland, Oregon saw this sign while out for her morning run. Strangely, she took a pass on the hot date.

Wanna date a cheating ex-husband that had sex with a 17 yr old and hookers on Craigslist - gave me an STD and left me pregnant? Call John

related: The saga of Tony Q69

→ 42 CommentsFILED UNDER: ex drama · Portland · public shaming


No need to be a Blick about it

September 3rd, 2013 · 39 comments

Holly in Minnesota noticed this insert in her box of Blick pastels. “I think that last sentence (?) safely takes the tone over the line from gently defensive to quite douche-y,” she says. (Of course, if she were a *real* artist…)

Notice: All pastels are subject to breakage despite great care in packing and handling, Breakage in no way affects the usability of our superb quality imported pastels, Most professional artists do not object to working with various size pieces. DICK BLICK

Then there’s these (non-pastel-colored) cupcake liners, with their message of, as Victoria in Brooklyn put it: “If you care, buy our baking cups. If you don’t give a crap about the Earth, buy that other brand.”

IF YOU CARE

related: White wire & damnation

→ 39 CommentsFILED UNDER: a little patronizing · The Earth · You call that punctuation?


A thoughtcrime in the making

September 2nd, 2013 · 25 comments

Joe spotted this note posted on a thermostat inside an abandoned factory-turned-shopping center in Keene, New Hampshire.

Writes Joe, “I have to confess that I looked at it, got near it, and for the love of monkeys, I can’t stop thinking about it. I didn’t touch it though.” (No matter, Joe: Big Brother knows the truth.)

Leave this alone. Don't touch it. Don't Look at it. Don't get near it. Stop thinking about it.   -Thanks

related: NO TOUCHING!

→ 25 CommentsFILED UNDER: big brother-ish · New Hampshire · temperature · touching


Housesitting Dos & Don’ts

September 1st, 2013 · 69 comments

Writes Mark in the U.K.: “My friend went over to his sister’s place to house sit for a week and when he arrived he was greeted with this. The ‘help yourself to our empty cupboards’ bit is a joy in itself, but having to be told not to try on her housemate’s lingerie is a total gem.”

DO feed the cat. DO change her water. DON'T try on Katie's bras. DON'T write a sarcastic reply to this list.

related: PANTY RAID!

→ 69 CommentsFILED UNDER: siblings · signed with love


Nobody does guilt trips quite like Grandma

August 28th, 2013 · 50 comments

“My dear, sweet grandmother is a treasure in my life,” writes Jessi in Dallas. To her horror, however, she realized — upon receiving this anonymous postcard from ‘a friend,’ — that she had forgotten to wish her grandmother a happy birthday this year.

Already feeling pretty guilty, says Jessi: “I immediately called her and received an additional 40-minute guilt trip over the phone. Today I sent her a birthday card in the mail.” Still, Jessi can’t help but how long it’ll be before she makes it off of Grandma’s “naughty list.”

Jessica, Where are you? I know you are out there somewhere. Contact your grandmother. She is three years away from being eighty. She is deaf and all alone. A Friend.

related: If you have a birthday and don’t hear from your grandchildren, is it still a birthday?

→ 50 CommentsFILED UNDER: birthday · Dallas/Fort Worth · Grandma · guilt trip · mea culpa


Raging against the (vending) machine

August 28th, 2013 · 19 comments

Writes Katy in Tampa: “The vending machines in my office are old, and they eat someone’s money at least once a week. The vending machine guy told us to put a sticky on the machine saying how much money you lost and he’ll refund it when he comes to fill the machine. Apparently the machine was hungry this week.”

Um...You might want to stop putting money in here!  Just a thought.

So, that was two weeks ago. Katy just wrote again with a follow-up: “Since the vending machine company has ignored our pleas to fix the machine, the notes just keep on coming.”

  I didn't lose any money, I just want to feel included. I didn't lose any money also, but I need to make my car payment - $275.00 Skip

related: The Candyman Can’t

→ 19 CommentsFILED UNDER: money · office · smartass · Tampa · vending machine drama


Lean a little bit closer and see what roses really smell like

August 26th, 2013 · 46 comments

This is you say, “You think your shit don’t stank?” in Southern-ese. (An added “Bless your heart!” is always a nice touch, too.)

If you are having gastro intestinal distress please do not use this powder room. We have a luncheon today!

related: A diarrhea-only toilet?

→ 46 CommentsFILED UNDER: odor · office · painfully polite · toilet


Well, this sucks.

August 25th, 2013 · 24 comments

Danny works for a small print company in London. “Our lovely cleaner only comes in once a week, so it falls upon the rest of us to keep the office neat and tidy.” Danny says that, judging from this creation — made up hundreds of punched paper holes — “I’ve got a feeling that someone feels that they are doing more than their fair share.”

HOOVER

related: Could somebody less important than me take care of this?

→ 24 CommentsFILED UNDER: cleaning · London · office


I hope…

August 22nd, 2013 · 50 comments

Lately, whenever I read a note like this, I can’t help but think of this bit by Louis CK:

)

Exhibit a) Spotted independently by both Kendy and Jane on the front gate of a cottage in a small English village. Writes Kendy: “I was surprised that in such a peaceful little place there were thieves bold enough to steal a child’s toy — and equally bold locals willing to publish their death wish to said thief!”

To the person who stole my 4 year old grandaughter's paddling pool, I hope you drown in it.

Exhibit b) From an office in Texas

To the lowlife who's been stealing people's lunches: I hope you develop chronic hemorrhoids.

Exhibit c) Found by John in Atlanta on the windshield of his car — which was parked just fine, he adds!

Dear Motherfucker, You park like an asshole I hope your kids get addicted to drugs. (Heart) Jack

Exhibit d) Also from Atlanta, specifically the campus of Georgia Tech — Justin says this was posted by every bike rack in the vicinity of the Electrical Engineering building. (So he ripped one down, took it home, and scanned it.)

Did you take a red Specialized bike from Van Leer on 1 Feb at noon? FUCK YOU. I hope you have an aneurysm and rot in a ditch. I am going to spend the rest of my days tracking you down. I will find you. You will never sleep again. No god will save you. I am coming for you.

related: Wishin’ and hopin’

→ 50 CommentsFILED UNDER: parking · stealing


But…but…I’m a grown-up now!

August 21st, 2013 · 65 comments

Writes our submitter in Michigan: “My sister-in-law graduated high school recently, and apparently calling to congratulate her — as opposed to driving 1200 miles to attend the ceremony —  was a major slight.” (A slight I’m guessing she’d be willing to graciously overlook in exchange for 50 bucks or so.)

Dear [redacted],  Thank you for the card you didn't send me and the text I never got! I also appreciate all the effort you put into trying to come to my party! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH Love, Your baby sister

related: Congratulations! At some point in time, through no effort of your own, you were born.

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: family · sarcasm · signed with love · thanks (but not really)