A high-concept take-down of Chicago-style politics

September 12th, 2013 · 49 comments

Earlier this week, on her usual walk to work across the UChicago campus, Lauren noticed a board topped by a cement block covering an open manhole. Then other day, however, she walked past the same spot to find this ingenious work of civic protest/prankery.

Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,  Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.  After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.  Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.  Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.  Office of the Mayor,  Rahm Emanuel  Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

Adds Lauren: “I’m most impressed by the obvious work involved in the sign’s construction, but bonus points are due for capturing the speaking style of our salty mayor.” (And yes, Lauren says: Chicago’s city seal really does include the image of a baby floating on a cloud.)

Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,  Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.  After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.  Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.  Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.  Office of the Mayor,  Rahm Emanuel  Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

related: Governor of California to State Senate: “Get Stuffed.”

→ 49 CommentsFILED UNDER: Chicago · most popular notes of 2013 · raging against the machine · smartass


Anti-social networking

September 11th, 2013 · 35 comments

Just a reminder, folks: updating your newsfeed = not actually the same thing as genuine social interaction.

E Murphy: is in a relationship P Murphy: apparently not with his mother!

Ryan: I love my friends Todd: including the ones you ignore regularly? Briana: i AGREE WITH THE GUY ABOVE!

related: Because you’re not really knocked up until Facebook says so
extra credit: Facebook is bad and makes you feel bad [newyorker.com]

→ 35 CommentsFILED UNDER: frenemies · Mother-son notes · oh snap


Gee, I’m glad my car could ease your conscience

September 9th, 2013 · 76 comments

Courtney’s friend Tom found this note — from our newest contender for douchecanoe of the year) — on the windshield of his Toyota FJ Cruiser.

Hi, I hit your lower passenger side bumper on my way into the spot next to you. I guess that is what happens when you drive a gas-guzzling wanna-be Jeep — so I don't feel so bad.  Hope you have insurance!

related: Yeah, I dinged your car, but you kinda deserved it

→ 76 CommentsFILED UNDER: car · don't blame us · Park City · parking · questionable logic


Ever wondered what it would be like sharing an office with William Carlos Williams?

September 8th, 2013 · 54 comments

First with the plums, now lemons? Seriously, Bill?

I hope you enjoyed the half lemon I had just taken out of the fridge. Next time buy your own. We all Work for ourselves not to feed Strangers.

And by the way, I’d like my red wheelbarrow back, please. (So much depends upon it, after all.)

HELP YOURSELF But NOT to the Wheelbarrow (like last year) please!

(Thanks to our submitters Sarah in NYC and Steve in the U.K.)

related: What rhymes with putrid?

extra credit: This Is Just to Say

→ 54 CommentsFILED UNDER: food · New York · office fridge · pure poetry · stealing


Dear toilet fairies: You totally suck at poetry.

September 5th, 2013 · 66 comments

Katie says this was propped up in the ladies room at a senior citizen apartment building in Florida. Adds Katie: “I don’t care that they think the floor is dirtier, I’m not touching the floor either!”

Tinkle, tinkle, little star, Above the potty you hover so far. Crouching but high and almost motionless, Trying to avoid any germs, I guess. Very little do you know, More trouble lurks far below. You needn't worry about germs on the seat, Because the real germs to avoid are below you. Go ahead and plop your hinny right on down, You're sitting on the cleanest seat in town. Now, it you still insist on standing to pee, You are just leaving a mess for me. Author: Un-expecting Victim

related: Hover & Flow(chart); The Rhyme That Must Be Flushed

→ 66 CommentsFILED UNDER: clip art catastrophe · Florida · old folks · pure poetry · toilet


What a catch!

September 4th, 2013 · 42 comments

Our submitter in Portland, Oregon saw this sign while out for her morning run. Strangely, she took a pass on the hot date.

Wanna date a cheating ex-husband that had sex with a 17 yr old and hookers on Craigslist - gave me an STD and left me pregnant? Call John

related: The saga of Tony Q69

→ 42 CommentsFILED UNDER: ex drama · Portland · public shaming


No need to be a Blick about it

September 3rd, 2013 · 39 comments

Holly in Minnesota noticed this insert in her box of Blick pastels. “I think that last sentence (?) safely takes the tone over the line from gently defensive to quite douche-y,” she says. (Of course, if she were a *real* artist…)

Notice: All pastels are subject to breakage despite great care in packing and handling, Breakage in no way affects the usability of our superb quality imported pastels, Most professional artists do not object to working with various size pieces. DICK BLICK

Then there’s these (non-pastel-colored) cupcake liners, with their message of, as Victoria in Brooklyn put it: “If you care, buy our baking cups. If you don’t give a crap about the Earth, buy that other brand.”

IF YOU CARE

related: White wire & damnation

→ 39 CommentsFILED UNDER: a little patronizing · The Earth · You call that punctuation?


A thoughtcrime in the making

September 2nd, 2013 · 25 comments

Joe spotted this note posted on a thermostat inside an abandoned factory-turned-shopping center in Keene, New Hampshire.

Writes Joe, “I have to confess that I looked at it, got near it, and for the love of monkeys, I can’t stop thinking about it. I didn’t touch it though.” (No matter, Joe: Big Brother knows the truth.)

Leave this alone. Don't touch it. Don't Look at it. Don't get near it. Stop thinking about it.   -Thanks

related: NO TOUCHING!

→ 25 CommentsFILED UNDER: big brother-ish · New Hampshire · temperature · touching


Housesitting Dos & Don’ts

September 1st, 2013 · 69 comments

Writes Mark in the U.K.: “My friend went over to his sister’s place to house sit for a week and when he arrived he was greeted with this. The ‘help yourself to our empty cupboards’ bit is a joy in itself, but having to be told not to try on her housemate’s lingerie is a total gem.”

DO feed the cat. DO change her water. DON'T try on Katie's bras. DON'T write a sarcastic reply to this list.

related: PANTY RAID!

→ 69 CommentsFILED UNDER: siblings · signed with love


Nobody does guilt trips quite like Grandma

August 28th, 2013 · 50 comments

“My dear, sweet grandmother is a treasure in my life,” writes Jessi in Dallas. To her horror, however, she realized — upon receiving this anonymous postcard from ‘a friend,’ — that she had forgotten to wish her grandmother a happy birthday this year.

Already feeling pretty guilty, says Jessi: “I immediately called her and received an additional 40-minute guilt trip over the phone. Today I sent her a birthday card in the mail.” Still, Jessi can’t help but how long it’ll be before she makes it off of Grandma’s “naughty list.”

Jessica, Where are you? I know you are out there somewhere. Contact your grandmother. She is three years away from being eighty. She is deaf and all alone. A Friend.

related: If you have a birthday and don’t hear from your grandchildren, is it still a birthday?

→ 50 CommentsFILED UNDER: birthday · Dallas/Fort Worth · Grandma · guilt trip · mea culpa