Snaps for schadenfreude!

March 16th, 2009 · 98 comments

Facebook‘s new “I like this” feature doesn’t allow you to give “thumbs down” to your friends’ status updates or posted links — a boon to both the supportive, snap-cup-loving, kindergarten-teacher-types on your friends list and the die-hard passive-aggressives on your frenemies list!

Daniel fractured his arm in 3 places.

The even bigger “ouch”?

ouch.

related: Reason #784 why you should never list your relationship status in your facebook-profile
extra credit: STFU, Marrieds

→ 98 CommentsFILED UNDER: breakup · Facebook · frenemies


The Candyman Can’t

March 13th, 2009 · 155 comments

“One morning last summer,” writes Stephanie in Illinois, “my brother and I arrived at the company where we worked to find these notes posted to the candy vending machine. (Mind you, it was 8:45 a.m.) Apparently, the man who fills the vending machines — a.k.a ‘Mr. Candyman’ — had failed to restock the machine for a week, and the ladies of the office had had enough.”

I mean, really. we’re talking about a serious breach of the social contract here, people!

A [sic] Empty Machine is Unaceptable [sic]! Mr. Candyman, you did not keep your WORD! This machine has been empty since Tues last week.

Stephanie and I were both particularly tickled by the the “gas prices” note at top right. (“What does that even mean?” she wonders.)

Gas prices are high but that doesn't do much when our stomach starts to growl!! Hungry!!

Meanwhile, Lisa in Nashville spotted this note posted on the vending machine in the studio arts building at Vanderbilt University. “There had been many previous notes asking (nicely) for more Twizzlers,” Lisa says, but as desperation set in, at least one distraught staff member decided to get lyrical on Candyman’s ass.

Candyman, oh candyman...,Where have you gone? The twizzler slot is empty. Oh yes, we have none. What burden we bear, what sadness we hold, for we thought twizzlers we soon would behold.

related: The Pepsi Challenge

→ 155 CommentsFILED UNDER: candy · food · Illinois · office · pleasantries as afterthought · questionable logic · raging against the machine · sad face · spelling and grammar police · vending machine drama


Ain’t that the gospel truth?

March 11th, 2009 · 102 comments

Chris says this note was slipped under his apartment door  by one of his “typically passive-aggressive Seattle neighbors.” And no, he adds, he hadn’t noticed. Perhaps because the door was lacking in aggressively punctuated parenthetical statements!! (Homeowners dues??)

Hey Neighbors! Notice the front door isn't closing on its own? (It's been a few weeks!!) Anyone can walk in off the street! (Rape, Burgle, Murder!) Maybe somebody should have it looked at!! (homeowner's dues...) Can we please try to make sure the door stays closed??

Personally, I am just luuurving the nice little call-and-response rhythm this note has got goin’ on. I eagerly await the OutKast “Rape Burgle Murder” remix!(!!)

related: Everyone: shut it

→ 102 CommentsFILED UNDER: confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · irregular capitalization · neighbors · opening/closing · Seattle · You call that punctuation?


Girls gone wild…with colored markers

March 10th, 2009 · 129 comments

You decide: which masterpiece is most worthy of the Lisa Frank award for the most artistic expression of repressed rage?

Is it Exhibit a, from a hip-hop retail store in California?

Clean up after urself ur momma ain't here NO FOOD DOWN THE DRAIN

Exhibit b, from an American college dorm?

Stop going out the side door plz you're fucking lazy and really dumb! And the alarm is fucking annoying! k thnx

Or Exhibit c, from a shared apartment in Guelph, Ontario?

BRING BOWLS DOWNSTAIRS with love :)

Oh, and ladies? As you busy yourself with your construction paper and colored markers, never forget the most disgusting thing!

related: What, no bubble letters?

→ 129 CommentsFILED UNDER: art · college life · dishes · disturbingly detailed · heart · rainbow-colored · signed with love · smiley · Your mother doesn't...


Really though — carnations?

March 9th, 2009 · 143 comments

So, Kevin in san francisco says his friend’s roommate went on three “hang out at a bar” dates with this guy from France. After the third date — in admirably straightforward fashion — he told Frenchie it wasn’t wasn’t working out and he didn’t want to see him anymore. (You know, the old “it’s not me, it’s you” routine.)

Unfortunately for them both, le bachelor did not take le hint. Instead, Kevin says, he showed up at his would-be lover’s house and paced back and forth outside the door for an hour while sending creepy text messages. “He finally left, but not without leaving a bouquet of red carnations on the hood of the car with this note attached.”

Please understand I LOVE YOU AND CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH THAT

related: He’s just not that into unicorns

→ 143 CommentsFILED UNDER: lOWERCASE l · San Francisco · spurned lover


Neighborhood crazy-watch

March 6th, 2009 · 75 comments

Our anonymous submitter in Quebec says this note is posted on the door of an apartment in her building. “Looks like somebody had a rough breakup,” she speculates…in which case I think dude is probably better off.

Still, I think the ambiguity here presents a wealth of other possible scenarios, no?

You know who you are. THIS IS A REMINDER that just because you have a key it doesn't mean you can enter my apt!

related: and all the pieces matter

→ 75 CommentsFILED UNDER: Canada · crazypants · ex drama · neighbors · you know who you are


I’m calling your bluff on this one, Mom

March 4th, 2009 · 78 comments

Amy spotted this attached to a mailbox in Monroe, North Carolina. Writes amy:  “I have no idea which flower it was (there were many that were still left on the porch), but I was impressed by the effort the victim took with this note — it was written on poster board and left up for quite a few days.”

To the person who STOLE my flower...It was a birthday gift from my little girl, paid for with her own money. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I did... (I would have it it to you if you had asked.) :(

(And the posterboard…was a birthday gift…purchased with her own money!!!)

related: “no” questions asked

→ 78 CommentsFILED UNDER: birthday · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · guilt trip · martyr complex · Moms & Dads · North Carolina · sad face · stealing


Five approaches to T.P. maintenance

March 3rd, 2009 · 137 comments

You could start with a basic visual aid…

Can you wipe with this? I can't. So please change out empty rolls!! They are behind you.

Or perhaps appeal to your readers’ sense of patriotism…

IF YOU DON'T REPLACE THE TOILET PAPER ROLLS THE TERRORISTS WIN. DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

…or go with a not-so-veiled threat.

If You Want To Keep Eating You Better Replace The Toilet Paper

Of course, you could just let your ass do the talking.

Brian, You make me sad. xo, Jen's Bum

But remember to cite your sources.

For clear, easy to understand directions on How to change the Fucking toilet paper TRY GOOGLE!

(Thanks to Ryan in West Palm Beach, Heather in Delaware, Julie in Marysville, Brian in British Columbia and bluepaintred in Canada for their advice on this matter.)

related: Four approaches to ice cube maintenance

→ 137 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · misplaced patriotism · not-so-veiled threats · toilet paper · visual aids


To have and to hold

March 2nd, 2009 · 104 comments

To be honest, I find this note — from an anonymous submitter in Raleigh, N.C.. — to be kind of depressing. So let me just say this: if you’ve recently broken up with a significant other and have been thinking, “Hmm, maybe a heartfelt note is the way to win him/her back!” — JUST. SAY. NO.

Anyway, our submitter writes: “When my husband unpacked his belongings from his ex-wife’s house, he kept finding little ‘surprises.’ For example, although they did not go to high school together, she had signed his senior yearbook, and little notes and reproductions of wedding pictures were stuck in books and in pockets of his clothes. Our favorite was this note we found in his camera case.”

Never to be Replaced! Always #1 Your one and only Wife #1 To have and to hold

(Yes, yes, it looks like “to have anal to hold.”)

related: some dating advice

→ 104 CommentsFILED UNDER: crazypants · ex drama · North Carolina


Right/wrong justified

March 1st, 2009 · 57 comments

Attention graphic designers: perhaps you should think about making passive-aggressive notes a standard part of your corporate identity package? At the office of our anonymous submitter in Utrecht, the employees had to make matters into their own hands.

Dear all: Please put your name on your foods & drinks, otherwise it will be thrown away (no joke)


Dear Colleagues, please make signs in Georgia black, ragged right, roman or italic only. Otherwise they will be removed. (also no joke)

P.S For only $10, Lure Design will help satisfy both your typography fetish and your passive-aggressive nature!

I promise I will never use Hobo, Comic Sans or Papyrus ever again

Or at Design Police, you can download your own visual enforcement kit for free.

related: Just severe enough
extra credit: georgia on my mind [inspiration bit]

→ 57 CommentsFILED UNDER: office cop